How to Defy the Work Week

So we have all been there.  The day has come when you are not worth a damn.  Maybe it is the Monday that you drank a little too much the weekend before.  Maybe it is Wednesday and you are just tired of the week already.  Maybe it is Friday and that 2 Live Crew concert just can not come fast enough.  Maybe it is Tuesday or Thursday and you do not give a crap anymore.

  On Thursdays, I daydream about lighting this bitch up.

Beyond the jump are some helpful tips to defying the work week.

Monday - Mindlessly Internet Search

Your head is pounding, your stomach lurches at the smell of Brenda from circulation's perfume, and if your teeth had more fuzz on them you could make a sweater.  The weekend was fun, you think, and you will be damned if you are paying for it.  The time for Internet Searching is here.  Do not worry, everyone does it from time to time.

Search for awesome stuff!  Reach for the... Well, get through the day.

Let your brain go and let  your fingers do the walking.  Great time wasters are TVTropes and Cracked, because they are filled to the brim with mindless articles that will make you laugh.  Be careful, though, they can get a little racy, especially Cracked with the pictures.  Also, both can give you some info into the human condition as they plow through the humor and majesty of our collective past.

Tuesday - Build Something
So many office supplies can be used to create.  Let your inner MacGyver run wild.  Paperclips can become a chain, a cork board and some push pins can become a dartboard and/or mosaic.  Create things to brighten up your workspace or defend it.

I'm seeing a really little defensive cubical fence here.

Paper is an excellent tool.  It can be folded, bended, taped and cut into a variety of shapes and structures.  True story, I once made a trebuchet and used it to run an office coup.  On a related note, cotton from q-tips and a little Goo-gone can make an effective fireball to launch an unsuspecting jerks who steal your lunch.

Wednesday - Bathroom Day
As my mentor once told me, "Boy, always crap at work."  Spend all day in the bathroom.  They can not take you off the clock for it and you can still take smoke breaks.  It is awesome.

Thursday - Invent a Religion
This is especially easy in the library setting.  Just go to the 200s and mix and match.  For example:  My god is named Rhonda.  He lives in the heavens with his brothers, Monoc and Ted.  They all throw firebolts from their multiple hands before sitting under a tree for 12 years and writing a book about monkeys typing.  If you anger Rhonda, he will send the wrathful "Hosebeast Patron."

This Hosebeast is named Lothor and it constantly says "I'm Computer Illiterate, tee hee."

Rhonda created the heavens and the Earth and an extra demension he named "Vendor Land" where all the materials come from.  It is where you go if you are a bad librarian and all day there you cut down trees to fuel the mighty multi-volume set industry.  If you are a good librarian, you go to "Awesomeonia" a place where you get all the books you want and people answer your inane questions.  

Friday - Combine What You Have Created
You have read all the Internetz.  You have built yourself an impenetrable fortress.  Your colon is clear as the day is long.  It is now to take over the library in the name of Rhonda.  Hoist your flag and begin the attack.

I suggest your flag contain some type of Mexican bean thing to please Rhonda.

Begin as all great campaigns have:  the supply line.  Load up a few book carts with your war devices made of paper and broken dreams and go after the cataloging department.  Once the rest of the library cannot get their new and mended books, go after the circulation department.  No new books in, no new books out.  Use your paper clip chains and the power of Rhonda to tie up Brenda and then eat her lunch for a change.  Next on the siege, push your way to the reference department.  Using logical arguments and, again, the power of Rhonda, give a logical reasoning for them to join you for Rhonda.  Chances are they are susceptible after years of public abuse.  The IT department will join you cause they are lonely bastards and possibly a little crazy and have already charted this scenario.   Now you control the books, the information, and the computer systems, time to go after the big cheese: Administration.  Your demands are clear:  Shit, you forgot to make demands.  By this time, it is already time to close.  Praise Rhonda.

Awesome Sauce AKA Old Spice Library Commercial

This made me laugh so hard I sat up and coughed up the embedding code.





Although I have to ask:
1)  Does he need a polo shirt to go to the library?  That just seemed extraneous.
2)  Should he be talking that loud around others trying to study?  I think that guy threw him a lap top to shut him up.
3)  I feel bad for that book cart, it was designed to carry books and may be warped by using it like that.  (you should always have 3 things on a list.  Otherwise it just looks silly.)

Shout out to The Wee Librarian, where I first saw this.

Drink in the Awesomness

I have no words but awesometastictude.  Check it out!

Check out this fun stuff and more at The Nerdist (.com)

How to Get Rid of Vendors

We have all been there.  If you do any type of ordering, from bestsellers to paperclips, you will have a vendor contact you.  Most are nice.  They know their product sucks and are just carpet-bombing the community in the hopes some poor sucker really does need an all-in-one post-it dispenser/phone cozie/USB toaster keychain.  Then there are the bastards. 

I just wanna punch his tie off.

Out there right now sits a man who will do anything to make a sale.  Often for no reason.  But he will make up a reason.  Oh, yeah, his kid is sick with the same disease that killed grandma last week and the commission on this “Encyclopedia of Tank Warfare from 1914-1916” will really let him buy the medicine, the same medicine the government is about to put on the narcotics list so he needs it now, man, real bad like yesterday now.  He will call back.  Over and over.  He will stop by, just cause he was in town.  He will have a cute power point presentation that he wants to show you over chat. 

Sup, Broski!  Wanna buy “History of Monster Truckin?” I missed you.

Below the jump are the five steps to getting this guy off your back for good.

1.  Politely Refuse

Be nice, polite and kind.  Hey, man, we are all in this crazy world together.  He is just doing his job and refusing him is part of yours.

Chill out, home slice.

When he attempts to wrangle you in, simply tell him you are not interested.  Listen to how he rephrases the offer, then again, politely refuse. No matter what he says just calmly shake your head and put him off. 

2.  The Email Tactic

So he still persists?  No problemo.  Pawn him off to the technology age. 

I have no feelings.  I am alone.  I will talk to anyone.

When marketer Bobby calls for the tenth time, whoops, sorry, routed to voice mail.  If he gets around that, “damn, how bout you email them specs to me and I will get back to ya?”  If he stops by, “dag nabbit I just started this video conference and I really need to take this one.”  Do not be afraid to be a little rude when deploying this tactic.  Your time is money, and that money can be better spent writing a blog.

3.  Demand Free Stuff

So, he has left you ten voicemails, thirteen emails, and you are fairly certain the smoke signals coming from the west are raving about “The Georgia Almanac for Peach Growers.” 

Buy American

What you have to do now is go on the offensive.  Demand free stuff, above and beyond the bobbles he normally hands out.  You want me to buy “Randy Frampton Comes Alive: One Man Builds a Pacemaker Out of Spare Parts”?  We are going to need one thousand ballpoint pens.  “Atlas of Old Timey Places” on sale this week?  I want my weight in refrigerator magnets.  Go crazy.  If he persists, you go right back at him.  Go beyond the swag.  Coupons, money, pictures of his wife, his car, his wife, whatever.  Asking does not hurt anyone, and guess what?  You may even get it.

First you get the money, then you get the beef, then you get the woman.

4.  Psychological Torture 

It is time to step up.  Last time you were asking, now you are demanding.  Start calling him back.  Call him back for no reason whatsoever.  Just to talk.  Find out about his family, their likes and dislikes.  Send him emails asking about them.  Mention them by name.  Then reverse on him.  “Forget” who he is.  Confuse him with someone else.  Talk about obscure sports and insist that he watch them.  Make him think you are the craziest dude on the block. 

This is me on vacation!  Sometimes I hunt men for sport!

5.  Find Them

Reach the breaking point.  Then go past it.  This is the point of most Liam Neeson movies.  This is you playing Rambo: First Blood Part II, squeezing your phone until your knuckles pop and saying, “Vendor, I’m coming to get you.”  Remember all that information you learned before?  Use it.  Family, friends, no one is safe.  Become every stalker you have heard about and beyond.  And as you do remember, Ghandi would not have put up with this crap.

"Break a foot off in a motherfucker."

Stand By Me!

Thanks for standing by, if anyone actually does read the nutty words listed here.  We appreciate it.




Also, take a minute to check out Playing for Change if you have not already.

Kitten Playing Duckhunt

Testing the computer: here's a kitten playing Duck Hunt.

Woe is me

My computer seems to be having some issues, so no new posts today except this one from my phone. For such a smart phone, it can't lick its own elbow sometimes. Hopefully be back on Monday.