Monday, November 29, 2010

Is It Okay to Kill Your Friend In the Library?

Recently, the Sacramento Public Library has become the center of protests over their video game tournament "Nerd Fest" which features "Call of Duty: Black Ops."  The game has some rather violent images and scenarios in the single player campaign and the multiplayer (the version I assume will be featured in the tournament) is not too different in that you are maiming, shooting, and blowing up both your friends and online strangers.

Pictured:  An online stranger getting pawned!!!  Lolz gramps!  Take that to the Vietnam flashback and smoke it!

Here's the fun thing, though:  The multiplayer element is often if not always left unrated by video game watchdogs because people do and say the darnedest things.  I know what you are saying, put a gun in a child's virtual hand and he/she will start blowing away anything that moves.  Kids are silly like that.  But they could also just run and jump and play in their virtual worlds, as long as all parties agree not to fire.  So the question is not "Is it okay to have violent gaming in the library?" but "Is it possible that little Jimmy and Johnny can be taught not to shoot me after I am dead and teabag my corpse while screaming about what they would do to my mom in the library?"  And is that not the better question?

Link to the original article.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

How to Manage a Power Outage

From time to time, disasters are going to strike a library. I do not mean to say that tornadoes and volcanoes will rage through the stacks, no I am talking about power outages. Here are a few helpful hints at what to do when your library goes dark.

Example: Dark

1. Comfort the computer users. When the power goes out, the first people to notice are the computer labs, mostly because shit just got real for them. Thy will not be able to comprehend that facebook is not run by magical fairies, but instead by papa power and papa got drunk and passed out. These patrons will panic, blindly accusing you of causing their virtual crops to wither and their friends and families to think them dead because they could not post "powers out at the library lol @ashtonkutner" to their twitter feeds. Hold them and tell them to be patient, cry with them and let them know that everything is going to be all right. Keep them from attempting to attatch their car to the library in the hopes that they can give the library a jump.

Remember, it's black to ground and red to library.

2. Call the power company. This seems like a no brainer, but often the company that supplies that high voltage life blood will not know they have screwed up. Let them know, with a kind and forceful tone of "we are about to be murdered. Send help."  That will get them running.  This is especially important because the patrons will get restless and rioting/looting will ensue.

Holy Crap?! The power was only out for five minutes!

3.  Bust out the flashlights.  Use the flashlights to scour the library for all those teenagers who find their lust sparked by darkness or their appetite for stealing amped up (see what I did there, with the electrical talk?  amped...).  If you do not have a flashlight handy, grab a blind person.  They already know how to get around in the dark.  Then, guide any well meaning crotchety old person away from squinting at the large print.  Gather everyone into the biggest open space you can and begin dividing up into teams of "kill" or "be killed."

Example:  Kill

4.  Kick everyone out.  Move those flashlights toward the entrances and those patrons will flock to them like ferrets (true story).  Any who resist the first push will be trampled or given a stern talking to.  After the majority of the people have fled into the bright, shiny world, the librarian must go back in to get the rest.  Who would stay in a creepy, dark building filled with frightening angles?  Weirdos and freaks, that is who.  Be prepared for anything, and I mean anything.

Like Johnny Applescreamer

5.  Prepare to reopen.  Many of you know, reopening is nothing like opening.  An unscheduled closing and reopening during the middle of the day causes imbalances in people with already little in the way of "balance," much like introducing a shark "imbalances" a beach.  Apologies will not cut it this time, buster.  You will have to reign in the crazy that is "patron."  Preparation to reopen rests on two principles:  turn everything on first and prepare for stupid.  

What do you mean it didn't save when everything cut off?!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Best Nation in the World? Donation

Alec Robinovitz started a small effort to donate books to his local children's hospital a few years back.  As he waited to find out about his sick sister, he found he had nothing to do in the waiting room.  So he got some books and gave him to the hospital.  This effort has grown into nearly 10,000 books being donated to the cause, from friends, family, strangers and authors.  

I have endorsed my charity of choice and before this holiday season is out, I will do so again.  And again.  Why?  Because.  That's why.  There need be no reason.  As we move into the holidays, the best of us can lose that "holiday spirit" crap that Hollywood and special episodes lead us to believe is out there.  So do not think about that.  Donate something to a cause that makes this crapshack world a little better, even if it is a little time for your fellow man.  Hell, just put on a smile and hold the door open for someone.  Don't cost nothing.

Click here to learn how little Alec is making little kids smile.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Smells Like Teen Fiction!

Ever gotten off of work at the library and had to go to the grocery store?  I have.  I have to do it all the time.  And while you are there, trying to decided between a great bottle of cooking sherry, a six pack of rot gut, or a screw top bottle of wine made from kiwi, have you noticed people staring at you?  Did they follow you to the frozen foods isle and watched as you picked through the $1 pizzas or the hot pockets?  Ever wonder why?  Well, librarian, just like a chef or garbage man, you carried that bit of work with you: the smell.

Smell the awesome, like burnt popcorn and flop sweat.

Have you ever wanted to feel that special on your days off without rubbing yourself down with a used copy of the Da Vinci Code?  Now you can!  The website CB I Hate Perfume offers a library aroma called "In the Library."  Promising the rich scent of bound books, the perfume guarantees that you will never be able to leave the library.  So go out and get your bottle today, cause god only knows what they will come up with next.


All kidding aside, I like the idea of this product.  The sense of smell is one of the best triggers for memory.  Add the smell of a book to a great piece of knowledge and you retain a tactile bit of that knowledge.  Also, I love the smell of new books and old books, the glue, binding and paper all just seem more there to me, filling me with the hours of joy that I have had in the company of books.  I do not think I would like to desensitize myself to that odor by splashing it on me, though.  Anyway, fun idea for a product.

Friday, November 19, 2010

All Aboard! The Desert Bus is Rolling Out!

Well, tis the season for charity, so everyone hop aboard the Desert Bus For Hope and raise some money for children's hospitals.

This is gonna be a loooonnnggg drive.

For those of you not in the know, Desert Bus is one of the worst video games of all time.  Created by the magic/comedy duo Penn & Teller for their SNES video game, you get to drive a bus from Las Vegas to Tuscon.  In real time.  At a top speed of 45 mph.  With nothing exciting at all going on what-so-ever.  See that screen shot up there?  The bug happens about 4 hrs in.  Well, 8 hrs of staring at that later and you get exactly 1 point, then the bus turns around and you get to do it all over again.  So what?, you say, just tie down the controller and walk away.  Nope, the bus always moves slightly to the right, making you pay attention.

Well, here comes the charity part.  For the last several years, the comedy troupe LoadingReadyRun has put on marathon sessions of Desert Bus, collecting donations for Child's Play Charity.  They drive in shifts and only call it quits when no more donations have come in.  

I say, let us kill these fools this year!  Donate all you can and help some sick kids.  Go on.  Do it.

Desert Bus For Hope

Child's Play Charity

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Library of Rock!



In a move to have the loudest library ever, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland finished construction on their new Library & Archives building.  Set to open January 2012, the building will house thousands of documents and research materials for use by scholars and folks that dig just smokin a bowl and reading about Zepplin, man.  Cue the inspiration music followed by a shusshing sound here.

Check out the Library & Archives website.  

Why am I always compelled to use the ampersand in rock & roll and library & archives?  Woah, that just blew my mind.  Turn up the Zepplin, bra.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

"Mission Accomplished" Banner Safe in G-Dub's Liberry


Sorry to give this more press than it deserves, but it turns out the "Mission Accomplished" banner from all those jokes in 2003 (above) has been delivered to the "George W. (G-Dub) Bush Presidential Liberry for Books and Shit."  They do not know whether or not they will hang it.  I think they should bring it out for special occasions, like when a librarian suggests a patron use a vetted, well-researched source and the patron says, "I'll just google it."  Put that in your "child left behind" and smoke it.  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!  

Here's the full story

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

GWB Pres Liberry: Knowledge Just Rolled in its Grave

Lady Hit by Shovel In Stomach, Pile of Dirt Holding a Shovel, Sell-out, and Dick Cheney (cause that's enough of an insult, plus I could not think of a good grave digging joke)

Yep, he's got a library.  Just cause some morons could not figure out how to vote properly.  Some small made-up ideas about what this library is gonna be like:

1)  Total Children's section of his favorite coloring books.  Collection of already colored pages to be archived, as well as a special section where he stayed "in the lines."
2)  Complete vacation guide section to Texas.
3)  Basement to have insulated levee system to prevent flooding.
4)  Presidential Speak-and-Spell
5)  Complete presidential papers.  As well as bongs, pipes, flasks, and commemorative spring break cups.

Let me know if you hear of some made-up exhibits in the library.

Here's the real NY Times story.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Child's Play: My Favorite Charity


I am not going to say this is the best charity in the entire world.  What I am going to say is that Child's Play, created by the webcomic geniuses Penny Arcade, is a worthwhile use of your attention and money.  Listed as a chance for gamers to give back, the charity raises money and materials for children's hospitals around the world.  It is okay if you think video games are spawned from the devil's groin, everyone can donate.  Hell, if you do not trust the hellions over at Penny Arcade with your money, that is fine.  In conjunction with hospitals around the world, Penny Arcade has set up wish lists over at Amazon.com.  That way you can donate directly to the hospital if that is your bag.

As librarians, we give a lot, if not all, of our time helping.  If you feel that is enough charity, I will back you everyday of the week.  And if you already donate your money or time somewhere, bless you as you are better than I will ever be.  But if you feel like making a few kids happy, throw out some money for a book, DVD or video game to a kid's hospital.

Also, know that Child's Play is a nonprofit organization.  I have not received any money, nor will I receive any money for this posting from Child's Play charity.  I support this charity of my own free will and have not been taken over by said organization as a ploy to integrate myself into the library community.  As if galactic space monkey fruit fuckers were that smart.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Learn About Pedophilia in the Amazon

This week in book news: Amazon, the online retail site, came under fire for selling a self published book that gives advice about pedophilia.  

Yep, quality control is in effect!

We here at Banned Library renounce pedophilia and all its forms, but this is kinda funny.  I can only figure that Amazon saw this as some type of satire akin to "Modest Proposal", but the real truth is probably they will let any crackpot with a bit of money sell stuff on their site.  How has Ebay escaped this type of scrutiny?  It also proves all that we have said about self publishers and keeping them far away from your library.  Anyone can self publish, which makes possible our new book, "Banned Library and the Temple of the Monkey Ninja Farmers," available at an Amazon near you.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

San Antonio Smith and the Closet of Stuff


A circus museum under construction unearths a closet of treasures.  Yeah, I thought it sounded like a pretty good story, too, but turns out history comes alive.  When construction crews at the Hertzberg Circus Museum opened a third floor closet, they found multiple World War II posters, original Civil War photos, and a King James Bible from 1615.  I do not know about you fellas, but I am taking a sledgehammer to my library as we speak.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Networking the Library

Libraries have been facing the idea of social networking for a while.  Facebook, Twitter, etc, have given fantastic methods of reaching out to our users, but I argue that they are hindering society and by extention, libraries.  Here we go:

The other night I sat down to watch an American classic:  Hot Tub Time Machine.  Whatever the overall opinion history will give to this masterpiece of cinema, one scene stood out that rang true to the state of our nation, if not the future of the world.  One of our heroes, a modern teenager thrust into the stone age that was the 1980s, meets a girl in a bar.  He asks her for her text number, if she's online.  She looks at him like he is the broken man-child that he is and tells him that she does not know what he is talking about.  He asks how he is supposed to get in touch with her.  She says, "You come find me..."

I think she's in there somewhere....

Now I like this movie, but it is stupid cannon fodder of a comedy with the exception of this scene.  As I sit, blogging, I think back on all the times I had to track a girl down, wait to see if she would show at a lame party, or hope she would walk by where I worked this Thursday cause she did last Thursday.  I will freely admit I was the kid that held out on getting a cell phone until he was 24 because I did not want to be that easy to get in touch with.  But that limited my options as well as boosted my creativity.  I was forced to track people across town or go to that random bar not because Suzy Wannamaker texted me to be there, but because I thought she said that she liked the place.  It was all about the hunt and the adventure.

How am I gonna tie this to libraries?  Hit the jump to find out.

Libraries are no longer facing the same issues I faced with Miss Wannamaker.  We do not have to go out into the community to hang fliers, march in their parades or hawk our new database/book finder/OPAC/monkey training Iphone app.  The cash spent on newspaper ads for the spring book sale and harvest festival is saved as we go on our website, type a few keys and BOOM!  Those that visit will see it bright and clear, possibly with a 10 year old dancing book gif.

Libraries should be dominating the social network machines.  As a profession we are geared to produce the fuel that runs these bloated monstrosities:  content.  Events, pictures, book recommendations, cute videos of librarian drill teams, we got it all folks.  Here are some ways you can spice up your libraries various social network pages:

Facebook
I could spend an entire post teaching all the stuff you could add to a Facebook profile.  Despite my hate for some peoples utter dependence on this service, it does offer so many diverse types of input that exploration is infinite.  Here's a few I have found:  posting links to various catalog searches or items; pictures of featured events and items; book reviews; discussion boards for books so you do not have to run a book club; cute poems about your cat;  just post a lot of stuff at least once a day, no more than 5 times a day.  I do not know why, but the Facebook crowd is fickle and will drop you if you post too little or too much.

Plus, the Library's mom could be on Facebook.


Twitter
The best thing you can do for Twitter is link it to your Facebook.  Like Facebook, posting too much or too little will lose you followers as your content clogs up their inbox feed thingie so they can not hear about there Aunt Edna's newest taco that looks like Jesus or that Ashton Kutner fella.  Some things to add to Twitter are:  comments on a book you read; links to your catalog; event postings; pics of monkey doin it; again, whatever.

He's winking because he Facebooked your mom.

Myspace
Let's be honest, Myspace is for teenagers, pervs, and bands singing about teenage pervs.  There may also be some out of touch businesses.  Just say no.

This guy's Myspace name is LadyGagaLuver69

Friendster
If you use Friendster, I pity you.  You have forgotten the name of your father.  Seriously, just tell your library staff that your computers are run by mice on treadmills while on fire chased by rabid wolverines.

I don't have a picture of the mice-treadmill-wolverine thing, so here's a puppy.

Other Social Services
Things like texting, IM, and random book reading social sites.  These may cost you some money and social status, but have fun with it and see what you can find.  The Internet's a big place so spread your metaphorical library wings, toss yourself off a metaphorical Internet cliff, and plunge into the metaphorical social ocean to eat the fish of patron satisfaction.  Or something.  Just have fun with it and remember:  for the first six months, nobody will follow you anyway.

Oh, and what was the modern kid's reaction to the beautiful 80s chick telling him he has to find her?  "That sounds exhausting."  Indeed, modern kid.  But it is worth it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Spooky Story for Post Halloween: The Big Black Bird

A black bird smashed into my windshield while a Baptist preacher and an Atheist comedian battled on my radio.  Horror ensued.

The party ended when I walked out the door, threw my long curly wig to the ground and screamed, “I’ve had better punch at a Jim Jones reunion.”

Angrily sober, I climbed into my SUV from the rural home where the party was in full swing and left with a cloud of dust in my wake.


 Deep in the Mississippi woods on Halloween, my vehicle careened down dark roads hollowed out decades before from the piney forest.  The trees arching overhead obscured all moon and starlight from my view.  Headlights stabbing forward, I took the twisting turns as I always had, slow going in and accelerating out.

I hooked my MP3 player to an FM transmitter in the dash.  The transmitter sends out a transmission that overrides the vehicles radio when tuned to the right station, just like the newer drive-in movies tend to do.  Until the transmitter finds a clear station, though, often a real radio station will bleed through. 

The podcast from my MP3 player began a battle with a Baptist preacher from the low end of the FM dial.  Jokes of biblical misconceptions and inconsistencies mixed with shouts of hellfire and brimstone.  I found the two to be a delightful mix.

The road opened out into a long stretch of ground, field on my left and a deep line of trees on my right.  I took the opportunity and looked down to adjust my radio. 

When I looked up, a black figure slammed into the windshield.  I slammed on the brakes and cursed, the seatbelt pulling tight. 

The SUV came to a stop.  I held the steering wheel tight, my breath ragged and adrenaline giving that burning surge through my stomach.  I looked at the windshield and saw a red stain.  A single feather drifted down and landed in the blood as it began to pool and run down toward the wipers.

My hand reacted, turning on the mist function.  A gentle spray of water and a single wipe smeared the blood across the glass.  With three more wipes, the blood was gone. 
I should have waited until my breath slowed completely, until I calmed down.  Then I should have left, driven toward the lights of town and counted myself lucky I had not driven into a ditch.

I should not have backed up the vehicle.

I leaned over the driver’s seat, one arm on the passengers, and backed up the SUV until I saw a dark shape in the red glow of the lights.  It was still moving.

“Shit,” I said.  Again, I thought of leaving, but my heart went out to the suffering animal.  I am by no means an animal lover.  I grew up on a farm, I know that accidents happen and things suffer.  But I also knew that to prolong that suffering is wrong and in the wild, and injured animal has nothing but suffering.

I unhooked my seatbelt and got out. 

With the car still running, the red rear lights cast more than shadows.  Pools of blackness seemed to spawn and die around me.  I approached the animal.

The shape lurched a bit as I grew near.  Wings flapped and it rolled on one side.  Blood pooled from deep inside the feathers, mixing with the dust on the road.  The beak clicked over and over and a gentle squawk came from its throat.

I turned back to my vehicle and opened the rear hatch.  Bright white light burned my eyes as the door opened.  After a moment of searching through the camping equipment, I found what I was looking for.

The tent stake hammer was not heavy.  The object was about a foot long, the head padded with a yielding hard plastic.  I gripped the wooden shaft and turned to the bird. 

As soon as I began to close with the hammer, the bird began to shake and lurch away.  Wings spread, beating so fast it almost looked like four instead of two.  Black feathers began to fly in the air as the creature retreated from me and the light from the SUV and into the shadows. 

I took two more steps and heard another caw to my left.  Then another.  Then one behind me.

Just on the side of the road two large black birds crouched.  The light shone off their feathers as they twitched and dipped their beaks down into the grass.  I spun and found another perched on the hatch of the SUV.  Each of them looked at me in turn, heads bobbing and turning.  Their eyes were all blood red. 

I screamed in terror.  The birds backed away, spreading their wings as they did.  I rushed the one near my car and he flew off into the black trees behind the other crows.  In my terror, I followed him, swinging the tent hammer as I did.  The other animals retreated as well, blending with the darkness and cawing.

The spot where they had been pecking was full of meat, blood and bone.  A human skull shone up at me, gleaming with liquid red. 

A scream, a high human scream came from behind the bushes.  I heard shouts and cries, horrible wails of panic and fear.  Then the hollow sound of manic laughter.

I ran.

I threw the hammer in the back of the vehicle and slammed the hatch.  Back in the driver’s seat, I roared the engine pushing the gas before I realized to put it into drive.  The SUV lurched into gear and the tires spun pebbles and dust into the air.

I did not force myself to calm down.  I rode the wave of panic and fear and forced it down into my legs and into the SUV, urging it forward and faster.

I did not see her until almost too late.  A figure in white appeared from around a corner.  I swerved to miss her, over corrected and drove sideways into a ditch.  Unlike the last time, my seat belt did not catch me and I felt my nose and head connect with the windshield.  The crack of safety glass roared in my ears and I pulled back. 

More blood on the windshield, I thought, before absently flicking the button for the mist and wipers.  The gentle spray of water spread over the large spider web glass and the wipers jammed under the small dome my head had made.

My brain kicked back with fresh adrenaline as the image of the lady in white drifted through my memory.  I scrambled for the door and ran, my head throbbing with every step as I crashed through the trees and brush.

The tree line was not very deep.  I fell out of it and into the fresh air.  In the distance, I noticed a line of lights and the image of a small house. 

I held my head for a moment before hearing another scream from the distance.  I jumped to my feet and began running for the lights.

The lights seemed to retreat from me, bobbing up and down in my vision as I stumbled through the field.  Behind me I heard the cawing of a bird, the flap of wings and wind at my neck.  My imagination broke as visions of flocks of carrion eaters followed me, picking me apart just outside of the protection of the light.

Blind and hurt, I ran into a dark shape looming before me.  Humanoid, head to toe blackness crashed to the ground with me.  I rolled to one side and noticed more shapes running toward me.  The one I had crashed into reached out, but I slapped away the arm and kicked him in the stomach.  I thought I heard a surprised grunt, but I was up again, running toward the light with the black shapes chasing me.

The lights were just ahead when the blood red pit opened before me.  Coming up a slight rise, the red light shining from the earthen pit surprised me, made me gasp.  I only had time to see a red robed figure before I tumbled down.

“Oh, my god, what the hell?” a female voice came from under the red robe, “Who the hell is this, Bobby?”

I crawled away from the figure as it crawled away from me.  I stood, staring as the red robed figure pulled at the mask and hood hiding her features.  Blonde hair spilled out in curls as a pretty little girl looked at me in disgust.

“We don’t know, Suz,” said a male voice, “He just kinda ran up on us.  Is he okay?”

“Is he okay?  What about me, he almost knocked me over?  Get me out of here,” she said.

The girl moved to the side of the pit where a ladder was concealed.  A large boy decked out in all black, now missing his black hooded mask, helped her up and began to climb down. 

“He was in a wreck,” another female voice said.  I looked at her direction and saw the white lady from the road.  Except now I could see she was a bride with fake blood splattered liberally across her front. 

“He came around the corner real fast, almost hit me,” she continued, “I was out fixin the signs those boys ruined.” 

I saw the sign she held in her hand.  It had the words “Terror Trail” written on it.  In her other hand was a plastic human skull painted red.  I fell back to the earth, a sigh of relief on my lips, and closed my eyes.

“Don’t let him fall asleep,” I heard Suz say, “He could have a consumption or something.  My sister’s a nurse.”

My mind drifted and I heard the sounds of birds cawing in the distance.