Print Continues a Slow Death

I want to die in my sleep like printed media, not screaming and yelling like the floppy disk in the drive next to it.  First, there was little bit of fun, that, while being funny, contains some truth to the downfall of the readers of literature in general.  But my real pain comes from the unconfirmed reports that Grolier's Encyclopedia Americana will no longer be printed.  After the acquisition of Grolier by Scholastic in 2000, the encyclopedia has been in a waning decline, last published as the 2006 edition in print.  The company has kept the encyclopedia alive in electronic format, but is that as good as print?  I say no.

I LOVE YOU, MY FRIST TRAPPER KEEPER!

Now, as I said, this is unconfirmed.  I did not send out any emails to companies or put any effort (besides a couple of quick searches) into verifying my sources because, honestly, who cares?  I am mourning a piece of my childhood (and a publication that has been in print since 1829). 

I feel that knowledge is becoming too easy.  While I embrace technology, I feel it is making us weak.  The tactile gift that books give to knowledge, the smell of ink and paper, the sound of a turning page, the feel of papercuts, is one that stays with you.  The sound of keys typing a Google search reminds me of nothing.

Anyway, here's a puppy trying to stay awake.

Boobies and Kittens

Well, it was requested so here it is:  Boobs and Kittens.  Do not say I do not deliver.  Also, don't forget that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Educate yourself and stay healthy, for the kittens.




Don't thank me, thank Pistol Shrimps

Russia Gives the Library of Congress the Silent Treatment

In a stunning move most of us will remember from Rocky IV, the Russian government gave ten movies for archiving in the Library of Congress.  The movies were from the silent era (from 1893-1930) thought lost forever. Okay, that had nothing to do with Rocky, but it still teaches us that we can all change... everybody can change!

Original story is the second in the lineup

And here's Rocky fighting the Russians

Review: To Costume Quest, or Not to Waste Money

Costume Quest is the new video game from Double Fine, developers of the Monkey Island series, Psychonauts, and the Jack Black adventure Brutal Legend.  These people make funny, well put together games that generally only have one or two flaws.  Like an English major with Moby Dick, most gamers heap respect and admiration on this studio without actually buying or playing the games.  Huge pity.  But on to the review.

I love the idea of this game.  Here's the story:  Two kids are trick or treating on Halloween (would have been better as a Christmas release, but hey my mom made us beg randomly throughout the year) and one of them gets grabbed by monsters.  The remaining sibling (you) has to gather candy and friends together to make a rag tag group of monster fighting super friends.  The concept is easy.  Grab a bunch of kid characters on Halloween, make it so their costumes can come to life to do battle in an RPG setting, and heap the humor and quality of Double Fine.  I am for it.  Five and some change short hours later, though, I am let down.  I had a good time and laughed out loud (lol for you kids), but I kinda feel cheated.  

The dialog and humor play against the story and mechanics.  The dialog and flat out wit of the jokes make for  explosive moments of comedy.  Seriously, while playing do not take a sip of pop or you will cover your TV with foam doing spit-takes.  No bad words or sexual situations here, just concepts that would take an adult mentality and experience to understand.  This is not going to be like when you went back and watched Police Academy and started exclaiming "Holy Shit, my parents let me watch this?" when all you could remember was Steve "The Goot" Gutenberg and that guy who made crazy sounds.  The unfortunate thing is, you will not remember this game to look back on it.

Seriously, with all the boobs in this franchise, this is the guy I remember?  Well, done Michael Winslow. Well done, indeed.

The childish nature of the actual game ruins all that great humor.  The story is not well presented, mostly because I forgot what I was supposed to be doing and where I was supposed to be doing it have the time.  There is no map, and the neighborhoods are a maze (one is literally a hedge maze) where you can get lost if you do not keep a few landmarks.  At one point I wandered around for 10 minutes before finding an objective right next to the character that asked me to complete the task.  

The fights are repetitive and without meaning.  Even the inclusion of new costumes as the game progresses gets old, as you know after receiving something new that you will see it a hundred times more.  The enemies are static bruisers, shooters, mages and healers that you can learn to take down with relative ease.  The infuriating part comes with battles being button sequence initiated.  If you miss a proper button push you lose, often from the beginning of a fight.  This is a JRPG dumbed down to the lowest common denominator, with all the strategy and item/avatar customization wiped out.  Even the power-ups are laughably named so because they make a marginal difference.  

Bottom line:  Did I have fun?  Yeah, it was a good time, but for $15 american I feel I should have had a better time.  This game is for entry level gamers with not a lot of time on their hands.  Jump in, play a bit, jump out and take the kids to jujitsu lacrosse practice.  The story is entertaining, but could have been better executed.  All in all, there is fun to be had, but only if you ignore the problems.  I would have felt better if the game was cheaper, so that's my recommendation.  Wait for it to go on sale and pick it up.  

The gave is available only at this time by DLC (downloadable content) through Xbox Live and maybe PS3 store but I dunno cause I do not have a PS3 cause I like babies and America.

Jackass 3D: Nothing to do with Libraries

The crew of Jackass has accomplished more for male nudity than any movie in the last 1,000 years.  In a world where children are conditioned toward the nature of beauty, showcasing the male form is a broad step toward enlightenment.  I will not say the male body is ugly, but compared to the female form we are afterbirth of lumpy flesh, cobbled together in such a manner that random parts seem to be hanging off.  I envision somewhere on a work table there are spare parts left over after construction and a balled up set of instructions from IKEA.  By taking nudity away from women, we are empowering a generation that will not feel ashamed of their bodies because they will have seen and grown comfortable with the sheer grossness that the male form can aspire to. 

Jackassmovie.com

What do you expect?  A review of Jackass 3D?  Does it matter that it has some of the best 3D I have seen in a cinema?  In this case, it is not how it is displayed, but what is being displayed.  If you did not like the other incarnations of Jackass, this movie ain’t gonna bring you around.  But I enjoyed it.  Hell, I wanted to get some folks together have a bonfire to see if my friend David would try to jump over the fire again.  Why?  Misspent youth that brought me thousands of laughs.  

Art for Courtroom Aficionados Gets Archived, or Good For Her

Marilyn Church is gonna get her courtroom sketches put into the Library of Congress.  Good for her.  The article says, "Church noted the wide range of trials she has covered, from politicians and celebrities to mobsters and "lovers who shot each other."  Hell, this lady has probably lived a life close to my own, I just never drew these people down.


Every time I try to draw in court the judge yells and the bailiffs tackle me while my lawyer takes pictures.  That's cool, though, I only got community service.  I get to write "I will not draw offensive pictures of the judge and the baliff in compromising positions during my trial for drunken awesomeness" 10,000 times on a blackboard.

Check out the article.

How to Defy the Work Week

So we have all been there.  The day has come when you are not worth a damn.  Maybe it is the Monday that you drank a little too much the weekend before.  Maybe it is Wednesday and you are just tired of the week already.  Maybe it is Friday and that 2 Live Crew concert just can not come fast enough.  Maybe it is Tuesday or Thursday and you do not give a crap anymore.

  On Thursdays, I daydream about lighting this bitch up.

Beyond the jump are some helpful tips to defying the work week.

Monday - Mindlessly Internet Search

Your head is pounding, your stomach lurches at the smell of Brenda from circulation's perfume, and if your teeth had more fuzz on them you could make a sweater.  The weekend was fun, you think, and you will be damned if you are paying for it.  The time for Internet Searching is here.  Do not worry, everyone does it from time to time.

Search for awesome stuff!  Reach for the... Well, get through the day.

Let your brain go and let  your fingers do the walking.  Great time wasters are TVTropes and Cracked, because they are filled to the brim with mindless articles that will make you laugh.  Be careful, though, they can get a little racy, especially Cracked with the pictures.  Also, both can give you some info into the human condition as they plow through the humor and majesty of our collective past.

Tuesday - Build Something
So many office supplies can be used to create.  Let your inner MacGyver run wild.  Paperclips can become a chain, a cork board and some push pins can become a dartboard and/or mosaic.  Create things to brighten up your workspace or defend it.

I'm seeing a really little defensive cubical fence here.

Paper is an excellent tool.  It can be folded, bended, taped and cut into a variety of shapes and structures.  True story, I once made a trebuchet and used it to run an office coup.  On a related note, cotton from q-tips and a little Goo-gone can make an effective fireball to launch an unsuspecting jerks who steal your lunch.

Wednesday - Bathroom Day
As my mentor once told me, "Boy, always crap at work."  Spend all day in the bathroom.  They can not take you off the clock for it and you can still take smoke breaks.  It is awesome.

Thursday - Invent a Religion
This is especially easy in the library setting.  Just go to the 200s and mix and match.  For example:  My god is named Rhonda.  He lives in the heavens with his brothers, Monoc and Ted.  They all throw firebolts from their multiple hands before sitting under a tree for 12 years and writing a book about monkeys typing.  If you anger Rhonda, he will send the wrathful "Hosebeast Patron."

This Hosebeast is named Lothor and it constantly says "I'm Computer Illiterate, tee hee."

Rhonda created the heavens and the Earth and an extra demension he named "Vendor Land" where all the materials come from.  It is where you go if you are a bad librarian and all day there you cut down trees to fuel the mighty multi-volume set industry.  If you are a good librarian, you go to "Awesomeonia" a place where you get all the books you want and people answer your inane questions.  

Friday - Combine What You Have Created
You have read all the Internetz.  You have built yourself an impenetrable fortress.  Your colon is clear as the day is long.  It is now to take over the library in the name of Rhonda.  Hoist your flag and begin the attack.

I suggest your flag contain some type of Mexican bean thing to please Rhonda.

Begin as all great campaigns have:  the supply line.  Load up a few book carts with your war devices made of paper and broken dreams and go after the cataloging department.  Once the rest of the library cannot get their new and mended books, go after the circulation department.  No new books in, no new books out.  Use your paper clip chains and the power of Rhonda to tie up Brenda and then eat her lunch for a change.  Next on the siege, push your way to the reference department.  Using logical arguments and, again, the power of Rhonda, give a logical reasoning for them to join you for Rhonda.  Chances are they are susceptible after years of public abuse.  The IT department will join you cause they are lonely bastards and possibly a little crazy and have already charted this scenario.   Now you control the books, the information, and the computer systems, time to go after the big cheese: Administration.  Your demands are clear:  Shit, you forgot to make demands.  By this time, it is already time to close.  Praise Rhonda.

Awesome Sauce AKA Old Spice Library Commercial

This made me laugh so hard I sat up and coughed up the embedding code.





Although I have to ask:
1)  Does he need a polo shirt to go to the library?  That just seemed extraneous.
2)  Should he be talking that loud around others trying to study?  I think that guy threw him a lap top to shut him up.
3)  I feel bad for that book cart, it was designed to carry books and may be warped by using it like that.  (you should always have 3 things on a list.  Otherwise it just looks silly.)

Shout out to The Wee Librarian, where I first saw this.

Drink in the Awesomness

I have no words but awesometastictude.  Check it out!

Check out this fun stuff and more at The Nerdist (.com)

How to Get Rid of Vendors

We have all been there.  If you do any type of ordering, from bestsellers to paperclips, you will have a vendor contact you.  Most are nice.  They know their product sucks and are just carpet-bombing the community in the hopes some poor sucker really does need an all-in-one post-it dispenser/phone cozie/USB toaster keychain.  Then there are the bastards. 

I just wanna punch his tie off.

Out there right now sits a man who will do anything to make a sale.  Often for no reason.  But he will make up a reason.  Oh, yeah, his kid is sick with the same disease that killed grandma last week and the commission on this “Encyclopedia of Tank Warfare from 1914-1916” will really let him buy the medicine, the same medicine the government is about to put on the narcotics list so he needs it now, man, real bad like yesterday now.  He will call back.  Over and over.  He will stop by, just cause he was in town.  He will have a cute power point presentation that he wants to show you over chat. 

Sup, Broski!  Wanna buy “History of Monster Truckin?” I missed you.

Below the jump are the five steps to getting this guy off your back for good.

1.  Politely Refuse

Be nice, polite and kind.  Hey, man, we are all in this crazy world together.  He is just doing his job and refusing him is part of yours.

Chill out, home slice.

When he attempts to wrangle you in, simply tell him you are not interested.  Listen to how he rephrases the offer, then again, politely refuse. No matter what he says just calmly shake your head and put him off. 

2.  The Email Tactic

So he still persists?  No problemo.  Pawn him off to the technology age. 

I have no feelings.  I am alone.  I will talk to anyone.

When marketer Bobby calls for the tenth time, whoops, sorry, routed to voice mail.  If he gets around that, “damn, how bout you email them specs to me and I will get back to ya?”  If he stops by, “dag nabbit I just started this video conference and I really need to take this one.”  Do not be afraid to be a little rude when deploying this tactic.  Your time is money, and that money can be better spent writing a blog.

3.  Demand Free Stuff

So, he has left you ten voicemails, thirteen emails, and you are fairly certain the smoke signals coming from the west are raving about “The Georgia Almanac for Peach Growers.” 

Buy American

What you have to do now is go on the offensive.  Demand free stuff, above and beyond the bobbles he normally hands out.  You want me to buy “Randy Frampton Comes Alive: One Man Builds a Pacemaker Out of Spare Parts”?  We are going to need one thousand ballpoint pens.  “Atlas of Old Timey Places” on sale this week?  I want my weight in refrigerator magnets.  Go crazy.  If he persists, you go right back at him.  Go beyond the swag.  Coupons, money, pictures of his wife, his car, his wife, whatever.  Asking does not hurt anyone, and guess what?  You may even get it.

First you get the money, then you get the beef, then you get the woman.

4.  Psychological Torture 

It is time to step up.  Last time you were asking, now you are demanding.  Start calling him back.  Call him back for no reason whatsoever.  Just to talk.  Find out about his family, their likes and dislikes.  Send him emails asking about them.  Mention them by name.  Then reverse on him.  “Forget” who he is.  Confuse him with someone else.  Talk about obscure sports and insist that he watch them.  Make him think you are the craziest dude on the block. 

This is me on vacation!  Sometimes I hunt men for sport!

5.  Find Them

Reach the breaking point.  Then go past it.  This is the point of most Liam Neeson movies.  This is you playing Rambo: First Blood Part II, squeezing your phone until your knuckles pop and saying, “Vendor, I’m coming to get you.”  Remember all that information you learned before?  Use it.  Family, friends, no one is safe.  Become every stalker you have heard about and beyond.  And as you do remember, Ghandi would not have put up with this crap.

"Break a foot off in a motherfucker."

Stand By Me!

Thanks for standing by, if anyone actually does read the nutty words listed here.  We appreciate it.




Also, take a minute to check out Playing for Change if you have not already.

Kitten Playing Duckhunt

Testing the computer: here's a kitten playing Duck Hunt.

Woe is me

My computer seems to be having some issues, so no new posts today except this one from my phone. For such a smart phone, it can't lick its own elbow sometimes. Hopefully be back on Monday.