The Onion Starts Online Subscription Fee called "Donate or Fuck Off"

Joining the ranks of other online news agencies such as the New York Times and Wall Street Journal, satirical newspaper The Onion today announced they would begin a donation policy called "Donate or Fuck Off" for the use of their website after the reader has read nine and three quarters articles a month.  The media hobbit has tested online subscriptions in other markets and has maintained a print subscription fee, but this is the first time they have attempted this particular method in the U. S. of 'Merica.

Onion, Inc. chief technology officer Michael Greer explains the new plan: 

"We know our readers will read us. It's what they do. Hell, most of them expect to pay something anyway. So in a way, we are giving them what they want. And people keep throwing around buzz words like 'subscription' and 'newspaper.' That's not what we do here. We just offer internet content for free in an Internet fashion, with ads. All we are asking is a little kickback now and then or maybe we stop giving you content. That's all. We even got a nice JPEG that tells you to fuck off. It's not really funny."

Long time reader of The Onion, John 'Whiplash' Williams had this to say: 

"Eh. If they start making me pay, I guess I'll try it out. Maybe I'll get a deal for the print and online. Bird's gotta shit somewhere, right?"

The Onion was not contacted for comment. 

Monsterfest 2011: Visit from a Viking Ghost

I have always told new hires that when shelving, one of the best lessons you can learn is “Let the book take you there.”  Even though you may have shifted and re-shifted the collection yourself for 10 years, the collection can still surprise you about where it wants books to be placed.  Each book has its own place, and you must trust that it will find it.  You are only its vessel home.    

So it surprised the shit out of me when one of the books leaped from my hands and went running down the aisles on its own.  The shelving thing above is only supposed to make the new kids concentrate on accuracy and sound a little new-agey zen, not be true.  But there I was, after years of shelving, watching my first book find its own way home.


The book, a copy of Shirley Jackson’s short stories, walked open, wobbling back and forth and pivoting on the spine.  The tome skittered around the “I-Ka” section and disappeared from sight.  

I looked around.  No one but me was on the second floor.  The reference desk sat empty.  The usual coughs and foot shuffling were absent from the stacks.  

I thought about calling down, hell, going downstairs if only to tell the staff that their director’s mind had finally snapped.  They would buy that, especially after the recent budget cuts.  I could take the day off.

But I had never seen a walking book before now, and who was I to tell the new folks to let the books lead them if I didn’t follow one myself.

When I turned the corner, I gasped.  All the books on the last third of both sides of the stacks were gone.  The shelves were bare, even of the dust that usually outlined the collection when you removed all the books from the shelves.  The Shirley Jackson book sat in the middle of the aisle, closed.

A cold wind came from behind me.  The Jackson book opened and the pages started to flutter, never settling on one page.  The wind grew stronger, chilling me to the bone.  The book’s pages fluttered faster and faster.  The howl and flutter mixed louder and louder until it sounded like a projector feeding film in a gale.  I closed my eyes, put my hands over my ears and bent down to huddle as ice began to form and a small snow flurry whirled around me.

Then everything stopped.

“Mr. Banned?  Get up,” I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, “Evan, it's all right, get up.”

The voice was... impossible.  She was dead.  But when I opened my eyes and looked up, Brenda the Viking Librarian stood before me.

“Brenda?” I asked.

She nodded.  Her face was just as I remembered it, but more.  A homely woman in life, death had granted her color and vigor.  Color radiated on her cheeks and almost lit the mane of blond hair.  A great smile played on her face.  That smile was hearth and home, warmth and mirth, but a little dangerous.

A striking bronze plate covered her broad and expansive chest.  A wolf fir draped over her shoulders like a cardigan sweater.  The leather skirt was pleated, stretching down to the tops of fir-lined, stylish heels.  At her waist was a broad leather belt studded with runes, a small hammer hung.

She knelt down to me, “Mr. Evan Banned, I have been granted leave from The Fields to give you a message and a gift.  Listen now.  A great evil is coming threefold.  One will arrive behind you, one from within, and one will save you.  Take this to help you.”

She took the hammer off her belt and handed it to me.  I looked at it.  It was a stamp.  A small, stone bookstamp with the letters “Banned” carved into it and leather wrapped around the handle.

“This is the Stamp of Mimir, the knowledge guardian,” she said, “It is used to banish forbidden and useless knowledge from this world.  The Stamp must not be used lightly and only by the worthy.  Hear me, Evan Banned, one will be behind, one within, and one will save.  This is all I can tell you.”

Brenda stood.  I stood.

“So, um, what’s it like?” I asked.

“Death?  Cold and warm.  Free,” she laughed, “I remember you on your first day, all gangly, smelling of those cigarettes and with a fresh MLIS.  When your mom asked us to give you a job, I was almost sick... But you did good, boy.  I was lucky, I died doing what I loved, where I was happy.  That counts for something on the other side.  Remember that.”

A sound of clapping came from downstairs, and I turned to face it.  The under-10 storytime had just ended.  The children’s librarians voice rose over the crowd as everyone began shuffling around.  

“That job’s cursed, broken.  She’ll cause trouble, just you see.”

I turned to ask what she meant, but Brenda the Viking Librarian was gone.  Everything was back in its place, books on the shelves with no hint of water from the snow.  The Shirley Jackson book was in my hand.  The small hammer was in the other.

5 Things to Make Sure of When Banning Someone from the Library (Plus a Form Letter)

Getting banned from a library is no easy task, as we have already seen.  Cunning, skill and perseverance reward you with the knowledge that you cannot enter one of the only places in town that accepts everybody.  But what goes on behind the scenes?  What do your faithful librarians do when you have spilled your soda in the fifth computer this week while whacking off to male goat embryos?

Lend an ear, cause I am going to drop some knowledge on your crazy ass:  They make sure they have you dead to rights with proof and then kick your ass to the curb, that's what they do.

Here's some steps for librarians to make sure your dumbass never comes near the hallowed stacks of knowledge ever again (and an example letter)

1  Make sure to get an accurate account of the actions that proceeded the decision to ban.
Librarians, incident reports are your friends.  I know that after a mini-nuclear explosion that can be the problem patron you just want to rest and regroup, but do not.  Fill out a report with the time, date, persons involved and everything that happened.  These reports will keep an accurate record of not only what happened, but when.  If one patron becomes a problem, the reports build up real fast and the decision to save public time and property is so much easier to make.  Also remember to add any police or emergency services reports to yours, as they could become valuable information later.

2  Make sure the professional staff are in agreement with the decision to ban.
The professional staff, and the para-professional for that matter, should always be on the same page when it comes to problem patrons.  Everyone should be able to identify the problem and agree that it is a problem.  Talk over the issue and reason.  People have bad days.  Hell, in this economy people have bad years.  That does not excuse bad behavior, but it does make the difference between an elderly man that has been laid off getting frustrated with online job applications and the weirdo licking the screen because he thinks that is how Scarlett Johansson likes it.

3  Make sure the governing body and legal council of the library knows about the ban
This goes along with the incident report section.  Part CYA and part "what had happened was," including the board of directors (or like assembly) in the loop causes this to be official, a good thing when what you are effectively doing is saying the person is trespassing on public property.  This allows the police to be called and gives legal reasoning for displacing someone from the building the next time his crazy ass shows up.  Also, it allows you to refer the person to a lawyer to do lawyer stuff instead of you the librarian doing police/lawyer stuff.
 
4  Make sure the patron being banned knows why they are banned
This is where it gets dicey.  A patron having a bad day calls the librarian on duty a "lying bitch that knows there are three more fucking copies of Veggie Tales in the back" and gets thrown out on his/her ass.  If he/she comes in the next day and nothing happens, eh, these things happen.  For some societies, getting thrown out of the library for the day is a test of manhood for teenagers.  But when you really need to toss someone out for good, you have to let them know.  The best way to do that is through a letter formally banning them from all library privileges and outlying the local trespassing laws.  Make sure it has pretty letterhead on it and signatures and what not.  If need be, have the letter notarized, delivered by police, and/or stapled to their forehead.  All the easier is if the police were involved, as they have a file all ready for your letter. A note on the letter:  Be short and direct.  Discussing the issue will only invite argument or more problems.  If the letter is being written, the decision has been made and nothing can change that.

5  Make sure to make copies
When you file your reports and letters, make copies of everything and keep them in a separate place, file or folder.  This is especially true for anything official, such as an incident report or a letter of bannedhood.  That way, if someone says, "Hey I didn't know (I, my brother, my child, my brother-child, etc.) was banned" you can show them that, yes, he was banned from the library for X and was told on DATE that we would fire him from a cannon if he ever showed his face again.  If they claim they never got the letter, make them a copy and show them the door.

Example Letter of Bannedhood:

 Dear Abraham Lincoln,

This letter is to inform you that your library privileges have been revoked by decision of library staff and the Board of Directors due to failure to comply with library policy and rules.  These privileges include access to all library materials, buildings and events.

Failure to comply will lead to legal action under the Galactic Trespassing Code of Stardate 65269.9.  For further information, contact our Old Timey Space Lawyer, Seymour Cratersnatch & Spawn. 

Librarian
Library Director
Head of Galactic Library Board
Important Guy #4

thanks to @bitchylibrarian cause she posed a question and gave me the idea

New Book Claims Some Punk Shot Van Gogh

The new book Van Gogh: The Life by Steven Naifeh and Gregory White Smith postulates that instead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the chest, Vinny VG may have been shot by some punk kid.  The authors acknowledge that while Van Gogh may have been institutionalized off and on throughout his life and had a death wish, on the day he died he did not behave as if he was going to kill himself, taking his paints and easel into the field and then staggering over a mile back into town.  He may have lied to protect the juvenile from prosecution.  NBCNewYork

Ooo, ooo, now there's a slasher movie idea that just needs to be made.  Can somebody say I Know What Famous Painter You Killed Last Summer?  How about Ear for an Ear?  This winter, Vin Deisel is Vincent in Fast and Van Goghne.

Dave Barry Stole My "Big Bird" Porn Joke Before I Could Tell Him Who I Was

Somebody hacked the Sesame Street Youtube page and posted porn on it.  And by 'hacked' we probably mean to say the hackers probably guessed the answer to the secret question guarding their password ("How do you get to Sesame Street?") was "your mom."  CNN

Columnist and overall funny dude Dave Barry noted on his blog

NOW WE KNOW WHY THEY CALL HIM 'BIG BIRD'

which is totally what I was gonna say.  You win this one, Barry.  Actually, you probably win most of them.  Seriously, why are you guys reading this when you could be over at his blog?  This is why I drink.

This post was sponsored by the letter "O" and the number "69".

Amazon News: Publishing and British Links

Amazon, Amazon, do you know how not to make waves?  Two stories come to us from that corner of the Internet where items are sold like a really boring wild west market.

122 books will be published this fall by Amazon.com, both in print and electronic format, bypassing the traditional publishing houses that rule the book world like an iron fist rules a dick punching competition.  Will the publishing world strike back like the empire we know they are?  Or will it take a lone orphan living with his aunt and uncle to find the true way of the Force and rescue a hottie that he later finds out is his sister?  We may never know.  NYTimes

The British Library is being criticized for linking to the Amazon market place for book information in its online catalog.  Book sellers and libraries across the land are denouncing the once great king for promoting a giant and forgetting about all the little British ant hills.  May the fires of Arnethor and Bledewindlestick stoke their hearts and not their asses.  Low be unto thee who understands why I started talking like this. Seriously, folks are pissed.  Telegraph

Fancy Pants News: These People Be On the Nets for Books and Libraries

So I been ill for a day or so,
so I'll try to be funny all in one go.
Not trying to rhyme,
not all the time.
This is breaking down.
I feel like a clown.
So here's the news, this time I mean it.
Anybody got a peanut?

Singer lady Taylor Swift donated over 6,000 books to- I'ma let you finish I just need a cheap cameo.  Whine, whine, who's got wine?- the city of Reading, PA. cbsnews

A homeless man in the Evanston Public Library threw a chair through a wall after over a banning dispute for behavior. That'll fix it, hombre. Patch

Librarians turned defacement into an art show when play-write Joe Orton's artistic vandalism of library books was put on display.  Well, way to fix the problem.  Got a crazy notion to write your memoirs in library book bindings?  Hey, we may publish that. Guardian

Pace University has commented on shutting down the Henry Birnbaum Library due to bedbugs, saying, "Yep, we got bedbugs." gothamist

Self-published wunderkind author Amanda Hocking is moving into the world of graphic novels with Dynamite Entertainment.  Write on, ya crazy kid!  PublishersWeekly

Children's book illustrator Sophie Blackall has created a book based on Craigslist's "Missed Connections" section.  "You were in red, I had a gimp mask on.  We were on the subway and you really creeped me out by asking if I wanted to pose nude for the delight of children.  I still do." NYDailyNews

Toronto library staff have proposed to cut staff and hours in an effort to appease Mayor Rob Ford's requests that budgets be trimmed.  Next, Toronto police will buy their own bullets and gas and teachers will... hell, teachers got nothing either.  citytv

All Hallow's Read, My New Favorite Holiday

What do you think of when I say the word "Halloween?"  Ghosts and goblins, spirits galore, witches on broom sailing over full moon skies?  What if I told you you could think of all of that and books?

Author Neil Gaiman has come up with a great idea to share scary books on Halloween.  There are other holidays, many where you give gifts.  Share kindness and warmth on a cold Christmas.  Put your heart on your sleeve on Valentine's Day.  Show dad you can remember how to find the tie department on Father's Day.  But All Hallow's Read... that's where things get intimate.  Because what is more intimate than telling someone that something scares you?  Give the gift of what scares you this Halloween.

Go to the All Hallow's Read website or Neil Gaiman's journal entry to learn more.  Check out one of my favorite scary books, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.  Or watch the video below to learn more.

The Geek Squad Will Help You Learn Computers

The FCC is starting programs to attempt to make Americans more computer literate.  Citing studies that show only 68 percent of Americans that have access to broadband Internet use it, the group is making a push to begin educating the masses.  Best Buy has offered their Geek Squad in over 20 cities to work with Boys and Girls Club, 4H and Goodwill, and Microsoft has pledged to help with classes in schools and libraries.  NYTimes

Well hell yeah, it is about time.  As the above article states, nearly every big business requires an online application and FSM help me with his noodly appendage if I did not think that was some type of test to ensure the computer illiterate (or "computard") did not end up greeting people at Wal-Mart.  So, here's to all the education that is about to be given to a dying generation.  Hooray!

I also want to comment that I had no idea 4H still existed as I thought we had commercialized all cattle 20 years ago.

Laverne Gets Book Deal, Expect Dirt on Shirley's Bathroom Habits

Actor, director and Jabba the Hut impersonator Penny Marshall has secured a book deal with Amazon.com.  The online book giant won the rights at auction to the  Laverne & Shirley star's memoir in both hardback and ebook.  Marshal is quoted as saying

"I can't say I'm excited about the Yankees losing, or there not being a basketball season yet, but I am excited about writing this book," Marshall said in a statement. "People have always asked me how I got from the Bronx to Hollywood, so I thought it was time to tell how it all happened. I have had many lives - not in the Shirley MacLaine sense - and you will hear about them all. Just don't expect any recipes. I don't cook." Forbes

While the title has yet to be released, I have a proposed title: Shirley, You Can't Be Serious.  This is based on the hope that Cindy Williams also writes a companion memoir called I Am Serious, And Don't Call Me Shirley.

"Guilt Ridden" Patron Returns Book 24 Years Late

Donna Corpus of Portsmouth, VA took advantage of a library amnesty program to return a book 24 years late.  She originally checked out the book, Butterflies Are Free to help with a play addition.  According to this article, the book wound up in a box marked "pictures" and left the woman "guilt ridden." Under the amnesty program, Corpus donated food in place of the fine. The book will probably be placed back in circulation.  UPI

And that's all that happened.  Nothing dramatic, no claiming of hospitalization, no fights to the death to claim that she renewed it over 600 times.  Just a donated food bath to wash all the sins away, huh?  Despicable.

6 Reasons We're Not In Another 'Book Burning' Period in History

When I first saw this cracked article about how we are in a current "trend" of book burning, I laughed out loud.  Such a ridiculous notion.  Then I read the article, this meandering, one-sided argument that "proves" perfectly good books are being tossed into the wind.  Am I saying that it is completely wrong, does not make some good points, or that I do not know it is from a comedy website?  No.  But I do have six reasons I want to give all you non-library folks out there to stop you from marching down to your library and waving Fahrenheit 451 in the librarian's face.

1.  Libraries must be weeded
Librarians have a process to keep their library useful called "collection developement."    They have whole books on it.  A major part of this process is called "weeding."  As in your garden at home (the one in your yard, not the closet pot plant), bad things must be ripped up and thrown to the side to keep the whole thriving.

Ironically, this can stay.

"Collections that go unweeded tend to be cluttered, unattractive, and unreliable informational." resources (Will Manley, Booklist via ALA).  If you walked into your library needing information about the World War I and the only source they had was a tattered 1930s Britannica that still listed WWI as "The Great War," my guess is that you would not be very impressed with that library.  Information changes constantly and having sentimental feelings about materials that contain the wrong information or are in bad condition is folly.

2.  Weeded books are making room for new items

If a book is in bad condition but still has relevant information, it can be replaced.  If a book has an updated version, it can be replaced.  If a book has not been used in years, then it can be replaced with something that will be used.  See, public and most academic libraries are lending libraries.  The material is meant to be used, either inside the building or taken out.  If an item is no longer used or useful, then it has no place being in the system taking up valuable real estate.
   

We only need one of you , Britannica.

3.  Books are not worth as much as you think they are
Objects are only worth what you can get someone to pay for them.  Period.  The idea of an item as "priceless" is only meaningful if you cannot reproduce said item.  That goes for everything.  Want proof?  Buy an 1866 copy of Shakespeare for $70 right now.  Books only have value if they cannot be reproduced or were a first of their kind.

I said human skin, not bat.

Yeah, that Necromicon bound in human skin might have value.  Anything after the invention of movable type is reproduced pulp.  Which leads me to..
.
4.  Paper can rot.
The book might be one of the best inventions ever, but it is not perfect for one reason: paper.  Organic material breaks down.  Any archivist will tell you there are two ways to ensure old newspapers and books can be preserved:  Keep them in moisture free, sterile environments or copy them onto materials that do not degrade as fast.  The easiest method presently for copying materials is digitization.

Meet digitization.

After that the paper copy is null and void.  Whole efforts are being made to digitization and provide this content free-ish, like Project Gutenberg. With the amount of blogs and internet articles being put out every day, books are already becoming a thing of the past, much like scrolls.  If you are intent on saving every paper scrap either by shellacking them with clear varnish or scanning them into a computer, then you must remember that this costs. Which leads me to my next point.

5.  Library's do not have the budget to waste on storing materials
I do not have to mention that our economy is in the toilet.  Or at least in a slow spiral with libraries getting big chunks taken off.

We won't be buying more than one copy of this.

Cutting corners, either by buying less materials or implementing hiring freezes are the methods to stay in business.  So when folks call for preservation, digitization, or just a big honking warehouse, they have to remember that all that costs cash.  People, time and equipment do not grow on trees.  So, yes, it is easier to throw out that old copy of The Da Vinci Code now that Dan Brown's candle has burned out than it is to put it in a warehouse like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

6.  There is public knowledge that libraries must weed
One of the Cracked article's points was that libraries keep their weeding activities secret.  Bull-hockey.  Libraries have to justify their budget and materials and most of the time it is a matter of public record to display just how much materials are discarded.  Plus, basic logic will solve the problem.  If you think libraries keep every book they have ever had, what the hell do you think they do with them all?  Do you think library book sales just happen?  I might take the image of the warehouse into account, but really?

If you believe that, I got this ark to sell you.

Think for a second, maybe a little physics problem.  Mass times space times time.  Over time the library gets more mass but often retains the same amount of space.  Books do not just phase out of existence when people are not looking at them!  Look around the nearest library.  It can barely fit what it has.  Libraries might not take out advertisements on when they discard books, but neither do grocery stores when they discard bread.  I bet the bread goes to the same places as most library books.  Cheapskates.

So here's what I have to say to the author of that Cracked article: do not use terms like "book burning" to get people to read your article.  Yeah, we might be a society that can throw away books, but we do not throw away knowledge.  The point of book burning is censorship, not disposing of sentimental trash.

Library Book and Tech News: Cyber-Book-a-Tron

I am a librarian from the future.  I am sent from the future to save you, the librarian who will save us from the coming information apocalypse.  Come with me if you want to read.

Netflix announced that it will not pursue the separation of its DVD and streaming services.  Customers of Netflix have already quit or made their decisions.  NYTimes

Charlaine Harris, who already announced her True Blood-based Sookie Sackhouse vampire novel series is almost over, will be writing a graphic novel.  The new series will be based on supernatural stuff and probably be better than the AMC TV series that it was based on.  USAToday

After DC made an exclusive deal with Amazon for their graphic novels, the bookchain Barnes and Noble removed around 100 graphic novels from their shelves.  The break up is set to be a sad one, with B&N sitting alone crying and burning old pictures of Superman.  WSJ

The FCC has passed a resolution that all cellphones must have GPS capabilites by 2018.  Get ready to be tracked by a government agency grasping for relevancy.  techcrunch via geekologie

Italian Wikipedia is no more due to an Italian law that states that if a person has a problem with information shown on any web content, a statement of contradiction must be added to the page in a unaltered form whether it is true or not.  As Wikipedia is constantly updated, this negates their business model.  There goes my Italian Stallion page.  wikimedia via boingboing

Miramax CEO Mike Lang stated that diversity of services offering online content is more important than battling online piracy.  Monopolies cornering the market through exclusive deals can hurt content more than people randomly sharing the content online.  torrentfreak via boingboing

Library News: Won't You be My Neighbor?

Oh, Hi.  It's nice to see you again.  (change out of button-up and into worn-out Megadeath t-shirt)  You know, our libraries are fascinating and wondrous places where all kinds of things can happen. (takes off shoes for more comfortable shoelessness)  Every day, something special is happening in your library, like someone looking for a job or finding a book they read as a kid. (fixes a mixed drink of whiskey, red wine and orange power drink in a goldfish bowl) Let's see what happened in our libraries this week so far, shall we? (lights the porch on fire)


The Newcastle library and art gallery have been closed down indefinitely after local officials widened security from protesters over the removal of some fig trees and other growth.  The fig trees responded by screaming silently as they were fed into a wood chipper. Silly trees. abc.net.au

Lewis Black, comedian, has been named to the honorary board of the Kurt Vonnegut Memorial Library in Indianapolis.  Black plans to help the library by fundraising through performances and such, as well as dressing in shiny boots and time traveling.  ibj.com

Governor Jerry Brown of California signed in a bill this week that will restrict public library privatization.  The bill will force companies to show they are saving the taxpayers money if they take over public services.  Taxpayers could give less of a crap as long as the paper is there in the morning and the new Nicholas Sparks book is on the shelf. mercurynews

The Folger Shakespeare Library is celebrating the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible, one of the more influential books in history.  King James was not around to comment on the widespread craziness like those weirdos in Westboro. washingtonpost

The Los Angeles County Museum of Art is in the process of moving a 340 ton boulder for an art instillation. They should hire out a company to do this, if they can prove they can do it cheaper than a bunch of museum folk, that is.  nytimes

Alec Baldwin donated around $10,000 to the Central Falls library to keep it afloat in these hard economic times.  This is a long way to go to use a library out of state. whdh

Alton Brown Getting Digital; Forgets the Matrix Ate People

TV Personality and chef Alton Brown says his next cook book will be and ebook.

"I want to go where nobody has gone before," Brown said Saturday during an interview at the New York City Wine and Food Festival. "I want to change the way we deal with information in the kitchen." cfnews13

Brown describes one part of the ebook that will have videos shot from many angles that the user can use to pan around him while he is cooking and see every part of the process.  He likened the process to the sci-fi movie The Matrix's special effects.

Kick ass Alton Brown cook book?  Hell yeah.  Comparing it to the Matrix, I get where you are coming from. The comparison does not work for me simply because the movie was about robots that ate people.  Well, not ate, "used as batteries", whatever, potato potato, but keep the movie about retarded kung fu folk fighting all slow mo out of your ebook cookbook workings, please.  The phrase "bullet-time cooking" would have been bad-ass all by itself.

California Says All Library Books Created Equal

A new California law will extend privacy protections for library records to ebooks.  The Reader Privacy Act of 2011 will come into law in Jan 1, 2012 and require government agencies to obtain a court order before accessing electronic retail orders and requests from book sellers. pcmag

Everybody, say it with me now: FREEDOM! That's what I'm talkin' bout.

I Guess Steve Jobs Was More Disappointed by the iPhone 4s Than Anybody

davidgalbraith

Steve Jobs, co-founder, chairman and ex-CEO of Apple computers, passed away today at the age of 56.  In his wake he leaves behind a long legacy of simple, easy to use computing devices that have made their way into nearly every other home in America.  His imprint on the world is vast and he will be missed, not only for his charisma and charm, but for his innovation and impact on not only how we access information but in how we interpret it.  Wired magazine said it best:

"A visionary inventor and entrepreneur, it would be impossible to overstate Steve Jobs’ impact on technology and how we use it. Apple’s mercurial, mysterious leader did more than reshape his entire industry: he completely changed how we interact with technology. He made gadgets easy to use, gorgeous to behold and essential to own. He made things we absolutely wanted, long before we even knew we wanted them. Jobs’ utter dedication to how people think, touch, feel and interact with machines dictated even the smallest detail of the computers Apple built and the software it wrote." Wired

I could be snarky here and point out all the ways Jobs has be condemned as a nightmare to work for, but I feel the title said it best.  Without him, the company may be directionless.  Sure, he could be a dick, but he was a dick that got things done.  The iPhone 4s is possibly just the beginning of crap Apple has plans for that do not include that little bit of "Jobs magic" that made them so special.  I would start selling stock now, folks, because if the trend continues Google's gonna be kicking some ass on the hand held front.

Prison Library News: Two Stories of the Locked Up

Ah, prison.  The place to get away from it all, let your guards down, and take time to focus on your past mistakes without the rest of the world to distract you.  It is like a spa that you can not leave.  You know, except for all the violence and stuff.

Today we look at two stories, one heartwarming and one legal.  Let's get to it.

A program in the Dodge County Jail in Wisconsin allows inmates to record audio books for their children.  The program is meant to connect children with their incarcerated parents and has been a success.  Nothing says "Goodnight, Moon" like 3 to 5 for B&B.  ABCNews

An Alabama prison refused to allow an inmate to read a Pulitzer Prize winning book on the grounds that it was a security threat.  Mark Melvin, the inmate, has sued the prison to allow him to read Slavery by Another Name by Douglas Blackmon, citing censorship.  We can only assume that the inmate found nothing good on cable tv after Charlie Sheen was kicked off 2 1/2 Men this summer.  PCMag

Smithsonian to Whore Out Video Game Exhibit

I'm Batman

The Smithsonian has announced that you too can be a part of their "The Art of Video Games" exhibit next year.  All you have to do to have your name or whatever displayed in the Smithsonian from March to September is give out some of that green, ya feel me?  Starting at $10, donations can be made from this page.  Your name will be taken from your billing information, unless you request different in the comments (barring anything offensive, etc.).  Smithsonian via kotaku

I do not know about you , but I really want a wall of the Smithsonian to be filled with names like "Commndr_Killer" and "Kool_Aider54".  This may be something I can try, even if there is no word yet if they allow URLs, twitter handles, or bad puns from the Simpsons.  I am going to report back as to whether or not Banned Library staff members "Pat McGroin," "Mike Roch," "Ivanna Tinkle," "I. P. Freely" or "Amanda Hugankis" are allowed on the wall.  Wish me luck!

Longmont Library Budgeting for Bedbugs: An Alliteration

After upholstered library benches became breading sites for bedbugs, the Longmont Library in Colorado has had enough with comfortable seating.  The library plans to budget $5,000 for wooden benches this year and more money down the line.  TimesCall

You know what we did back in my day when bedbugs came after us?  Wicker.  And I do not mean that goofy furniture stuff you get from IKEA or whatever.  I mean as in Wicker Man, the original, non-bee style.  Burn that mother down, smiting all the godless bugs back to the hell from which they sprang.

Back in the Saddle, All the News I Missed in One Go

PhotoshopEssentials

So the Banned Library took a little vacation and look at what you folks did.  Calendars, ebook crap, Amazon and that damn Kindle, even Harry ma-fuckin Potter got in on the action.  Well, here we go with the best random sentences I could cobble together in my one non-alcohol infused hallucination.  So hit the jump and follow the pink elephant into the marshmallow pool!

Because it works so well with firemen, the men of the library started a little calendar to show off their cataloging butts for charity.  Nothing like living out that Full Monty fantasy, right fellas?  LATimes

Pottermore, the Harry Potter site, announced that they will not be releasing Harry Potter ebooks until early 2012.  I guess I will have to go back to the pdf scans a 14 year old made and torrented two years ago.  ABCNews

The Amazon ebook "Reamde" by Neal Stephenson came under fire when first it was said to be full of typos and errors, and upon re-release Amazon labeled the ebook as having corrected "missing content."  Amazon had no comment when we pretended to call them on our hand because of our next story.  ChristianScienceMonitor

Amazon officially announced their color Kindle, the "Amazon Fire."  Hilariously, you could equate this to the burning of the amazon jungle to allow for grazing land for cattle.  In this joke, cattle are people.  Amazon via Geekologie

President Obama has set forth legislation that will allow states to opt out of the controversial "No Child Left Behind" program.  I do not have a joke, I just wanted you all to know.  CNN

This article was titled "Books on the Banned Wagon."  That is the single best article title in Banned Books week ever.  hindustantimes

New York librarians can rest easy again knowing that the nightmare book thief has been caught and prosecuted.  With this one problem gone, the library can concentrate on who keeps leaving stinky in the men's restroom.  New York Post

Two, count them, two libraries were infested with bedbugs this week.  The Vancouver area library found bedbugs in their shelves and furniture, as did an Arizona library.  VancouverSun and AZCentral

The Lowell City Council in Massachusetts has voted to ban sex offenders from being at the library during times when children are present.  So remember, get arrested for a sex related crime and you are not allowed into Summer Reading.  BostonHerald

Freaked out, the California State University library was evacuated searched after a patron indicated he had a gun.  The man was found and slapped around like the stupid red-headed stepchild he was.  WashingtonPost

The e-reader app Kobo now allows your friends to see what you are reading and when you are reading it by posting automatic notices.  Your mother wants to know why you would read all that smut.  Your best friend thinks you are gay for Percy Jackson.  Your girlfriend wants to know who "Jane Eyre" is and if she is prettier.  Thanks, Kobo.  USAToday

The Dead Sea Scrolls are gonna be online.  We can get 2000 year old parchment online, but not fucking Harry Potter?  Youtube via BoingBoing