The Stupidest Angel: A Recommendation

Christopher Moore's "heartwarming tale of Christmas terror" centers around a dumb-ass angel granting a Christmas wish and nearly bringing about the zombie apocalypse.  Yep, that is about all I need to say.  

Here are a list of the people that will like this book:

Christopher Moore fans - Let's face it, you probably already own it.

Zombie Lovers - Thanks to the last few years, there are a lot more of you out there.

Comedy/Horror fans - Right up your dark alley filled with rubber chickens.

People really tired of Christmas - It may just get you back in the spirit, what with all the swords and guns and brain eating.

Anyone named Raziel - There is just not enough representation of this name.

Frank - Yep.  You, sir, are gonna love it.

If you have not already picked this gem off the shelf, then get to it.  A refreshing take on the zombie attack, much like Shaun of the Dead.  I can not recommend this enough.

Power to the People!

Plug it Up!

Are you bored with books and DVDs from your library?  How about a power meter?  Yep, at the Marysville Public Library you can check out a power meter along with all the other stuff.  The power meter is for showing how much power is being used in your homes (electrical, tough luck for those still living in windmills).  I would also like to nominate a few other products the library could check out:

1.  Sand bags for flood times.

2.  Katanas for defending your honor and/or seppuku.

3.  Cars for getting home.

4.  Third world countries for feisty vacation spots.

5.  DVD players

Original article and image found here.

Libraries Closed Across the Land

Saturday, libraries across the nation will close in protest what a truly crappy year this has been.  Did anything really good happen?  Layoffs, tax raises, budget reductions, Sarah Palin reality show, and many other horrors were visited upon the land.  Well, at least the Harry Potter movie was good... so was True Grit if ya have not seen it.  Dude, and Scott Pilgrim rocked!  Hell, at least we had some good distractions.  

From everyone here at Banned Library, Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

And if you have a little extra, go over to Child's Play Charity.  It is never too late to give.

Closed Image from here

Who Knew G-Dub Could Type?

G-Dub Myspace Duckface

The George W. Bush presidential library archivist's have claimed that along with printed materials, the presidency also created nearly 80 terabytes of electronic media, including emails, photos, and other items.  How much is that?  Hold out your arms as far as they can reach.  More than that.  We are talking bigger-than-a-breadbox here people.  According to this article, the man sent 200 million emails in the 8 years he played this country like a harp from hell.  We can only conclude at least half of those were chain letters and photo-shopped pics of Al Gore's head on assorted people/animals he forwarded to Chaney.  To the brave archivists and archivistettes that have to sift through this garbage, I say "Good on ya.  Keep on Truckin."

G-Dub pic from here

Holidays at the Library

The holiday season is a magical time for the library.  All is transformed by gaudy displays of lights, fake tree branches, and that most hateful of all, cheer.

Here's my definition of cheer

So here we are, the holiday season.  Is your library prepared?  


1. Decorations
The first thing you want to start with is the crap on the walls.  Not literally, that's Moe the Hobo's thing and he does not work here.   I am talking about the fake tree branches, the pictures of jolly old fat men, and little chotchkies spread around the library.  

This should be your reference desk.

Once all the stockings are hung and everything is in place, sit back and think about what more could be put around the library.  Little dancing Santas are a good touch, especially if they are the kind that come on with noise.  Nothing like little red suited spies to show the patrons they are disturbing others, am I right?

2. The Tree
The center piece of all festivities should be second on your list, only if because this gaudy monstrosity from pagan times can illicit random comments from the uneducated about the true meaning of the season.

Yep, this is the reason for the season... or a detraction of the true meaning.  Whatever, don't let it dry out.

This joyous symbol of the season can be a center piece to your mastery of the holiday.  Adorn with lights, ribbons and various ornaments depicting literary characters, this tree can become a main attraction for most libraries.  Or a giant fire hazard in the middle of the city's biggest fire hazard.  

Told ya.

3. Carolers

Has anyone in libraries ever worked in a retail center or restaurant during the holidays?  If you have, you know one truth in this life:  Christmas carols are mind-numbingly, bone-crunchingly, debilitatingly horrid way of torture that drives anyone with half a brain into a mindless drone after the second repeat of the CD.  The ONLY ways Christmas carols should be delivered are either in short, one-off playings or by live singers.

Even if it is your local LARPing group...

4. Santa
As the center of the community that has no major department store or mall, the library can be the only place to host a scary man in a red suit who likes children to sit in his lap.  Let that sink in for a moment.

Yep.  Sinking in...

Images
Liquor pic
Xmas decorations pic
Tree pic
Tree fire pic
Carolers pic
Santa pic

"A Dog of Flanders" Finds Way Home After 76 Years

Worth more than your soul?

After 76 years, Mark McKee finally returned the book "A Dog of Flanders" to the Mount Clemens, MI public library.  Whew, thank god, I was getting worried.  Every time I went in for the last 75 years I would ask, "Has the book come back yet?"  The staff would just shake their heads and look to the floor.  They bought another copy, and another after that one was destroyed by Tommy Tomerson's labradoodle, but this is about the principle of the thing.  Now the library says that on top of not charging him fines estimated in the thousands, they are not putting the book into circulation.  Rather, they are displaying the book and Mr. McKee's letter as an example that crime pays.  At least that is what I learned from it.  Also, do not be too greedy with the thieving.  Someone should know better now.


Original, more truthful and heart-warming story here.


Image

Net Neutrality: That's in the News

The Internet, as seen from space

You may have turned on the news recently to see a lot of talk about net neutrality.  Where is my sandwich?, you ask yourself.  I do not know about your sandwich, but here is the skinny on net neutrality.  

Net neutrality is the theory that the entire Internet, from big corporations to little crappy blogs like this one, should be open for the same type of access from Internet Service Providers (ISPs).  ISPs are companies like Comcast that you pay money to give you Internetz.  Well, the FCC (look it up) have wanted to kinda put their two cents into the internetz for a while because it is sorta in their ballpark as far as that whole communications goes.  This week they released what amounts to a do and do not list that includes things like transparency for ISPs (they have to give reasons for what they do), non blocking (they can not just cut off parts of the Internet traffic), and unreasonable discrimination (they can not slow the traffic of particular services or sites without good reason).   Because bureaucracy is so fun, Congress has to review to see if the FCC has this power and how they will wield it.  Kinda like in those Lord of the Rings films.  

There is a lot more to this, plus the FCC has not fully released exactly what they will or will not do until Congress checks it out.  We shall see and report back.

Better explained in this article from PC mag.

Image from here

Get a Book with Your Shots

In San Diego, a partnership between national literacy groups and local health centers will allow children receiving booster shots to get a book.  That is certainly a way to promote literacy, through health and pain.  Oh, your arm hurts?  Here's some Curious George.  You will not ever get measles, mumps or ruebella?  How bout some of the doctor, Dr. Suess!

This joke fell apart.  Hell, it was never together to begin with.  This is a worthy cause.

Check out the article here.

Image from here

English Government Pulls Funding, Hope

Not today, little Alfie

Showing that good ole American spirit, the English government pulled all funding for three book programs, Bookstart, Booktime and Booked Up.  The programs enabled young children access to reading materials by gifting books from as early as newborns.  This type of good old ignoring the children is just what can bring this world together, as libraries and schools are facing tremendous budget cuts.  It is about time the truly non-profit, just-doing-it-to-make-the-world-a-better-place organizations get their lumps in, too.  Go on, big government, teach those kids that reading does not matter.  Maybe they will figure it out by themselves.

Guardian article here 

image found here

Bush/Graham Book-signing Breaks into Re-telling of "It's a Wonderful Life"

Seen here: Bush as Jimmy Stewart, Graham as Mr. Potter, and Bushette as Donna Reed

Earlier today, people pushed their way into the Billy Graham Library to get their book signed by the former president and hang with him and his homeys.  What they did not expect was the entire dais to erupt into a perfect, scene for scene adaptation of the now beloved Christmas classic, "It's a Wonderful Life."  The entire scenario ended abruptly when President Bush forgot his lines, causing Dick Chaney to run into the room dressed as Clarence and shoot Graham in the face.  When asked why he did so, Mr. Chaney said he thought the minister was a bird who was attempting to overthrow the former president's housing loan business.   Graham is doing well in the Billy Graham Hospital where several buckshot were removed from his hair.

photo from here, but it is Fox News so don't bother

6 Library Holiday Party Games

That time has come when the holiday party is upon us.  Do you want another weak year of everyone standing around, talking about work and staring at each other?  Is the DJ just Brenda from reference putting together her greatest Celine Deon hits collection together?  Forget all that and break out some party games to spice up the atmosphere.

Just remember not to eat the ornaments.

Here are six games guaranteed to have people still talking after the new year:

1. Dirty Santa
The oldies still work.  This easy to play game takes just a wee bit of preparation and participation from the staff, but is sure to lead to loads of fun.  The gist is simple:  everybody brings a wrapped gift of low value and places them in a pile.  Everyone takes a number, one to however many people there are.  The person with number one chooses a gift and unwraps it.  Then number two can choose to steal number one's gift or choose a new present.  If the gift is stolen, the person it was stolen from picks a new, unwrapped gift.  The game continues, the next person in line stealing any previous opened present or choosing an unopened present.  When everyone has chosen or stolen, the first person in line gets to choose either to steal from anyone or keep his or her choice.  Beware:  Game may lead to hurt feelings and possibly an old lady hitting you with a cane when you "steal" her waffle iron.

2.  Bobbing for Bestsellers
This game is an old classic with a library twist.   New books not in circulation and old discarded books are piled in a bin.  The trick is to reach in blind-folded with one hand and pull out one of the new books.

 Think less apples and water, more books.

Everyone gets three turns, with prizes awarded to fit the pulls:  3 new books is a good prize, 2 new books is an okay prize, 1 is a not so good prize, and 0 is no prize.  Beware:  Know that you are giving participants potentially heavy and lethal weapons when things do not go their way. 

3.  Pin the Bookmark on the Administrator
PBA is pretty simple, especially if you have an admin staff that can take some beatings.  Set up is pretty easy, just get a large picture of an administrator, put a tack in a book mark, designate where on the administrator the mark should go.  Playing is also easy:  Blindfold the participant, give him/her the bookmark, spin them around a few times, aim them and let them go.  Whoever gets closest wins.  Bonus if you can somehow get a real admin to stand in without resorting to wimpy velcro or stick tape.  Beware:  Game may lead to admin retaliation in the New Year in the form of loss or gain of hours, public service time, etc.

Think long and hard about that "overtime" you asked for.

4.  Spin the Book Cart
For those more with a more "frisky" library setting, here is spin the book cart.  All you need is a decent amount of alcohol, a book cart, and some librarians who like smoochin.  Everyone stands in a circle, the book cart is spun, and whomever the cart points to has to kiss the person who spun it.  Bring chapstick.  Beware:  Game may lead to unwanted feelings displayed, especially by Betty in circulation, and the spread of cold sores as well as mono.

Spreading love and VD for 30 years...

5.  7 Minutes in the Stacks
After all that alcohol, Betty from circulation is starting to look pretty hot, eh?  Time to break out 7 Minutes in the Stacks.  Using the same setup from Spin the Book Cart, players instead of kissing have to disappear into the dark stacks for five minutes.  Whatever happens in the stacks, stays in the stacks.  After 7 minutes are up, the rest of the staff that cares comes and finds what you are doing.  Beware:  Betty is a tiger.  Rar!

Somewhere down there is a recipe for love... lets find it together.

6.  Library Fight Club
The time for f*&king around is over.  The alcohol is gone, Betty is no more fun, and God help you, Brenda from reference is starting to look good.  The time has come to get out some aggression.  Here are the rules for Library Fight Club:
a. Only talk in Library Fight Club.
b. Only TALK in Library Fight Club.
c.  If someone cries, or bows their head, the fight is over.
d.  Two staff members to a fight.
e.  Dear God keep your shirt and shoes on.
f.  Fights will go on as long as they have to.
g.  If this is your first night at Library Fight Club, we can talk about it.

Let's get it on!

Images
party pic here
apple pic here
old lady pic here
donkey pic here
book cart here
dude pic here

I... I Give Up: Farmville for Dummies

Yep, I give up.  Both as a librarian and as a reader and as an author and ... hell, I just give up.

This guy does better commentary.

Ask a Crazy Librarian: How Many Licks Does it Take?

Question:  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a sucker/lollipop?

I'm Gonna Get You Sucka!

Answer:  According to the Food and Drug Administration, the Environmental Protection Agency, NAMBLA, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation, I am completely wasting their time asking this question.  Well, NAMBLA seemed to care for a second, but the North American Miners Bowling League Association just did not seem like a credible source.  So I am forced to pursue other avenues.

Wise Old Owl

The first place I went looking for answers was to the wise old owl that lives in my tree.

Owl intelligence increases when you put an arrow on his head and wires in his eyeballs.

I started by asking him straight out, but he did not seem to give a hoot.  Then I threw the sucker at him.  It hit him in the wing.  He let out an ungodly screech that pierced the night and, I dare say, my very soul.  I dove toward my sucker, plucking it from the ground.  When I looked up, his eyes bore into me, burning my core.  I ran into the night.

My Grandpa

Next, I went and asked my grandpa, cause he really liked sweets when he was alive.

Grandma said grandpa is the little one!

He did not say much.

Yahoo Answers

Just after I posted my query to Yahoo Answers, I was given the immediate answer of "First!" I assume that means that it only takes one lick, but without verifiable evidence I doubt suckerman69's answer.

Tootsie.com

Because the Tootsie Roll company first posed this question about their famous "roll pop," I decided to pay their website a visit.  Low and behold an answer that made sense was found!  It seems such prestigious institutions such as Purdue University, University of Michigan, and Swarthmore Junior High School have conducted independent studies with inconclusive results stemming from wildly varied results. This is after Purdue and UM used machines and SJHS just started licking. Real science, people.  Check it out here.

Forget Hogwarts! Take the train to the school that licks!

Conclusion
I have found that suckers make owls mad, dead men not talk, Yahoo Answers suck, and junior high schools compete with universities if the stakes are high enough. I also learned that we as a country should just enjoy our suckers and stop questioning them.

Images:

Headstone pic here

Owl pic here

Purdue pic here

Sucker pic here

Silent Rave in The 'Brary

Funny video of a Silent Rave.  Dance Party!!!!

Fresno Books Trashed, Patrons Not

Dramatic Representation

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an article about OBGYN (Overblown Bullshit that Gets on Your Nerves).  Then I waited.  It only took a week, but I found a news article to illustrate the point.  In Fresno, Ca, residents are pissed  because the library is throwing away thousands of useless books.  After taking pictures of a dumpster teaming with items, residents flew to the news places and cried out.  Now there will be a board meeting or hearing or something.  Bastards.  That's like saying, "Holy shit! The hospital is tossing out all those needles that could be used elsewhere!"  An outdated, poorly written book can be as dangerous as a dirty needle.

On a side note, I would kinda like a holiday book burning party.  Take all the weeded, unsellable books from the past year, throw'em on a pyre and drink some punch.  Good times.

Here's the original story.

Image from here

What Do You Think Google's Gonna Do Tomorrow Night, Pinky?

So, earlier in history Google unveiled a new trending tool.  But we have already seen this one, you say.  No, no, silly one.  That was for the Internetz.  This one is for the bookz.  Yep, using their newly released catalog of ebooks, they trended every word and phrase for the last 90 years or so.

Why should we care about this?  Well, this will help people who care about how ideas are exchanged and move through our society care even more about that.  What it will help crazy people do is create more crazy theories.  Like my idea about the correlation of the popularity of cheese, pirates, and bears.  Yep.  Confirmed!

Books Ngram Viewer


Here's a real article about it

End of Days Upon Us: Oprah's Bookclub Sells "Less than Expected"

Biblical scholars the world over are searching texts for mention of this, the first sign of the apacolypse: Oprah's Charles Dickens book selections have not sold well. As it states in the book of Golashes: "Oh, there will be a day wince the mighty list from the great provider will be turned asunder, and the Earth shall weep and the people will have the dickens scared from their breast."  See! It's all there people! Just cause you snubbed Tale of Two Cities and Great Expectations! Oh, the poop is really gonna hit the fan now! Next month, when O magazine reveals someone other than Oprah on the cover, you will see! The signs are there!



Check here for the full story

Image Credit: Daniel Boczarski/FilmMagic.com; London Stereoscopic Company/Getty Images

Reach Out and Google a Library

Like most people, I use the Google search engine for just about all of my web searching.  This has gotten so dumb, I found myself typing my own website address into the google search bar to get to it.  That is not even how I log in.

Shit, how do I spell my own name?

 Well, I got to thinking, how does Google, and by extension the world, view libraries? Why is it important to look at Google's results from the "library" search term?  Because Google's results are the popular results, the collection of human interest and knowledge.  The results reflect what people think about a word by presenting the most popular choice.  In essence, what the collective choose as the idea becomes the what the word means.  Or the rich pay to be at the top.  However cynical you choose to be.  At least I did not use Yahoo.

The following is my totally non-scientific, non-bibliographic, and nearly non-pornographic findings about what happens when you type "library" into the search bar.

1. Web

The first 10 findings under the web search are your basic hits.  There are physical addresses for local libraries, internet addresses for Internet Public Library and publiclibraries.com as well as large library websites, such as the New York Public Library.  Two things here bother me. First, no porn sites.  There was a time when a Google search on "paper clips" would get you at least three hits on the porn site whitehouse.com.

History for that joke:  whitehouse.com was once a porn site.  whitehouse.gov has always been the real site.

 The second is one of the highest hits on any Google search:  Wikipedia.  I will spend more time on Wikipedia later, but for now I will say it saddens me that one of the top three sites on a search about an information institution is an untrustworthy information site.  That is... well, that is what whitehouse.com was to whitehouse.gov:  a mockery of the institution.

2.  Images
Google image search of "library" fills me with pride, sadness, and a little regret.  Here's the first image I found:

I do not want to get to serious on this site, Banned Library takes no real stance on any subject.  We make dick jokes about most library subjects, in fact.  Looking at all these pictures, though, I am seeing the public perception of the library while I live in the crappy reality.  Take a look at these pictures.   Count how many computers you see.  I saw about 5 images with computers within the first 5 pages.  Out of around 125 images from across the Internet, most showed shelves and books and people reading to shelves and books.  For the most part, these images were of stately manner libraries, with columns and shit.  Look around your library and listen to your patrons.  Hell, I am doing this whole thing about a Google search.  Computers, ebooks, all that crap, are libraries now.  These grand institutions have already given away to Internet cafes, yet the public at large seems to have an alternate image in their minds.  And yes, I know people like pretty things and that there are gorgeous libraries out there.  There are also 15,000 item collections in fucking mobile homes and the patrons still demand wifi access.  But I digress.

3. Videos
Here's Mr. Bean in a library:



4.  News
Google News search is actually a pretty good source of news.  I have gotten several of the articles on this site from there.  However, library news is often pretty boring and repetitive.  No, I do not think the library director who stole all that money is interesting.  If she worked in a bank it would not hit the library radar.  The same goes for the book sales, hirings, firings and budget crisis.  I am not saying that those are not worthwhile and meaningful topics, especially when taken in scope and context, but they make for boring news individually.  Of course, right in the middle of writing this, I find the Mysterious Case of the Urine.

5.  Shopping
Why include shopping?  It tickles me.  Check out this great deal on a book case!

3 Shelf Storage Shelves Cabinet Bookcase Bookshelf Bookshelves- Light Cherry Finish

Harvard Books Peed on by Accident, not Hate

So, a couple of days ago at the Lamont Library at Harvard U., an employee was skipping willy nilly through the stacks when he/she knocked a bottle of urine off the shelf and onto some books.  Happens every day.

Especially in the Lamont Library Cafe

These books just happened to be about/featuring/all-up-on gay and lesbian topics.  So, because the library staff can not say, "We do not pee on books on purpose, for any reason, and we try not to let our patrons/cats do so, what do you think we are, a public library?" people started whispering, chanting, and writing that it was a hate crime against gays.  The campus has been the center of at least two hate crimes against the LGBT community, so I guess it is not so much a stretch.  Finally, yesterday the truth came out:  the jar of urine was not filled with hate, just with urine.  I guess they are into that kinda thing.

I really want to know why it took so long to say, "Hey, not a hate crime."  Approximately 40 books were damaged, which means there was a lot of pee flying about.  In my library, thats about a shelf of books, two if Brenda shelves them.  Was there not an employee covered in pee somewhere in this equation?  I suppose he/she went home to change, but still, who did not notice Jamie covered in pee at some point and thought to speak up?  

Here's the original article, and the update.

Photo from Lamont Library Cafe, which I am sure is urine free.

5 Ways to Prevent Cabin Fever

Old Man Slushie has come again, dumping the white stuff and blowing the invisible stuff across the land.  As the cold sets in deep, people begin to nest in the library.  With the added crowd and inability to escape, both you and the staff can descend into the madness that is cabin fever. 

Welcome to the library!

Here are a couple of ways keep your head in this wintery hell:

 #1  Entertain the Children

The youngest of the library can also breathe the most live into the library.  Because school is out, either because of the holidays or because of snow, children become captive audiences for whatever play, skit or puppet show you can think of.

They are very receptive.

#B Create Something Special

 The limits of the human mind cannot be contained within the walls of the library.  As your work load dwindles, express yourself on paper, casting your mind into warmer climates of warmy wonder.  Just let yourself go, feel what is in your heart.

My masterpiece.  All in a row.  Good times.

#Yellow:  Clean Up a Little

As the number of people increase, so does the amount of trash.  Take the time to tidy up all the little messes that have cropped up around the library.  Those hard to scrub coffee, tea and blood stains will give you hours of work.

OOOO!  A project!

#Door:  Do Some Shelving to Motivate the Staff!

After showing the staff your writing and cleaning prowess, show them you mean business!  Shelve with a fever, chasing their lazy butts down one by miserable one.  Yeah, you will find them all, the bartender and the pink giraffe said so.  They are all bad, bad whiny staffy staffertons.  

IT'S SHELVING TIME!

 # Redrum:  Take a Nap

They all laughed at you and did not think you would do it, but you showed them.  It is all yours now, the library is safe from their kind, their dirty kind of non-shelving shelfy-doodles.  They will not worry anyone anymore.  In fact, those patrons are dirty, too.  Dirty in your clean library.  Just a walk outside to find them all and maybe a nap at break time.

Yeah, a nap with my eyes closed in a blanket of snowy snow.

# End of the End:  Have a Party!

The library is cool and clean and you have kept your sanity.  Whew!  That nap did you wonders!  Plus, now everyone is ready for a dapper party!  The bartender is there, and so are all the old members of the Friends!  Wow, they look so young!  

Even the dead ones...

photos from The Shining, copyright 1980, Warner Bros.

Beware Librarians Bearing Gifts

As this is the season of giving, we must remember one important fact: The office secret Santa swap is fast approaching.

"I'm coming to get you, Barbara from reference."

Here are a few gender neutral tips for buying in different departments of the library.

Circulation Department
The circulation department sees thousands of books a day, often cherry picking the best new and old items as they move through the building.  The best place to shop for them is the book sale.  This hive of scum and villainy is the only place to find an item that these vultures have not seen before.

Look down low for the wookie books.

Reference Department
One would first think about many things for reference: a new phone cradle, a hand-decorated post-it dispenser, or a box of mints for Steve's raging halitosis.  Nope, these are horrible gifts as they remind them of their patrons. Find something randomly from the lost and found, cover it in newspaper, and leave it in their locker.  They will thank you for not questioning them.

You don't even have to identify it.

Processing/ ILL Department

This department is much like circulation, except they are much more on a grander scale.  There is nothing they desire that they cannot receive, nothing possible they cannot track down.  Therefore, your gift is a simple one: look away.  When that box of new Harry Potters comes in already open; look away.  When the Twilight book catches fire in a freak laminating accident; look away.  When the Internet histories begin reporting searches for "questionable" ordering sites; Just.  Look.  Away.

Don't ask why this computer is so happy.

Administration
If your admin is anything like mine, they live on grants and that weird green tea.  They can afford way cooler stuff than you, so give them what they really need to thrive: tears of a broken para professional and the blood of the innocent MLIS student.

They even got a bucket for it.

Children's Department
More glitter, construction paper, or other craft stuff.  It is like crack for them.  Alternative gifts are more of the same, just make it shiny or colorful.  Go nuts with the craft materials, but do not make anything for them.  These are the professional crap makers, just give them the supplies and stay away.

Yeah, man, just give me one more button, I'll pay ya tomorrow.

IT Department
Just tell them it is the holidays and that they can go home.  This is sad, but they will appreciate someone telling them anything other than problems for once.

 

Jimmy, uh, time to... Jesus, man go home to your family.