Z is for Zombie

Let's set the stage:  On a normal Tuesday in the library, you open the library in a normal fashion.  All the computers are on, the servers are behaving themselves, and the staff is milling around talking instead of setting up for the day.  A group of patrons are at the door, waiting, some oddly pawing at the door...  Then, reports start coming from around the city that the dead have begun to rise.  A car crashes outside.  You notice one of the patrons outside is eating another patron.  The Internet goes down.  Panic ensues.  We have entered into a zombie apocalypse   

Let's see what we have to do to survive:

Stage 1:  Gather and build

Best case scenario, you have supplies on hand at the library:  food in the break room, first aid supplies in the supply closet, and a shotgun under the reference desk.  Gather these supplies into one defensible position, the higher the better.  Here's the sitch on our zombies:  these are the Romero classics.  Slow moving, brain eating, moaning walking dead.  They may move faster if they are freshly dead, but as muscles deteriorate so do their movements.  They are mindless animals with no thoughts other than to kill.  Remember, they are not dead until the brain is destroyed.

Remind you of someone trying to get in the computer lab that's full?

Stage 2:  Stay away from other people

In these cases, you may want your friends and family close.  Resist this notion.  Other people will get you killed, increasing more either the more skilled they are or the more you love them.  The more skilled a person is, the more likely you are either the lesson they have to learn by killing you when you go zombie or you are the comic relief.  The more you love someone, the more likely they are to turn zombie and make you learn a lesson.  Remember, if you are about to marry a Green Beret/Navy Seal/Eagle Scout, you are more likely to die and/or kill them.

One or both of them are dead in a zombie land.

Stage 3:  Get some entertainment

In this situation, after you have all the supplies for a few days and locked yourself away from everyone, the library is your best place to be.  Grab arm loads of your favorite books and hide yourself away.  Books are perfect for a zombie outbreak because they are a silent, portable, and can take you away from your problems.  Also, things like how-to survival guides can give you interesting ideas for when supplies start running low and how to fix any remaining technology.

Not exactly what we're talking about.

Stage 4:  Contact the outside world.

Yeah, you've cut of contact with loved ones, staff and patrons, but that does not mean there are not others out there who can help.  This is why you went as high up as possible.  And collected books.  Start signal fires or if you have one, start sending out radio signals.  Others may get you into trouble, but they may also have valuable information about what's going on in the world.  Just do not let them into your library fort until you are sure there is no problem.

More useful than you think.

Stage 5:  Waiting

There are only a few ways this apocalypse can end.  In most, you are dead.  If you are in the center of the outbreak, more than likely the government will drop a bomb or kill anyone within the area.  Or, zombies could break in and kill and/or turn you.  At best, the zombies are living dead which means without nutrition of the human brain they will slowly deteriorate and die again.  Then, you can walk outside again.  Just remember, random crazy folks may wish to take over your library for Twilight collection.

Do yourself a favor and go ahead and burn them now.

Y is for Yahoo!

Yahoo! is an American company that started out as a search engine and ended up as sort of a joke.  I am telling you right now, if you still have a Yahoo mail account active delete that right now.  What once was the master of all search engines is now the diseased prostitute on the corner, over used and out of luck.

The problem really came with a fun service called "Yahoo Answers."  The Internet equivalent of Jay Leno's "Jay-walking" sketches, all you have to do is ask a random question and a variety of smartasses and morons will give you an answer.  Just read this fun feed for some of the best.  My favorite recent one is:  "Does rubbing peanut butter on your nipples and butt cheeks prevent demonic possession?"    Someone actually tried to answer this!

Still, after all that, they made a pretty funny commercial.

X is for XX

Now's the time for the sexy librarian pics... Cause my shoulder hurts too much to type.  Let's do it.

The O.G. Sexy Librarian, being all strict and shit

The Celebrity Impersonator

The Obligatory Let's Read in the Stacks Hottie

The Costume

For the Ladies

W is for Warrant

Libraries have a longstanding tradition of run-ins with the law.  From irate patrons to the Library of Congress hosting the U.S. Copyright office, the law has often been on the library's side.  There are points of contention, however.  While the library strives to work with law enforcement at every instance, the ideas of patron privacy, patron freedom, and various procedures and policies are there to not only protect patrons but protect the freedom of information.

Patron privacy is kind of a big deal for libraries.  It is also a problem libraries painted themselves into.  See, a lending library has to lend books and services whether they charge for the privilege or not.  It's in the name, lending library AKA most public libraries.  Now, back in the day when a public library wanted to give out books, it took your information (and probably due to bullshit of the times, you were a upper/middle class white man) and gave you the materials.  That patron info was stored on a bunch of cards and that was that.  If someone wanted to know what you read or used, they would have to go through all the cards in all the books and form a list.  With the advent of computers and more accessible database structures, all that information became much easier to locate.  Enter skilled computer no-gooders who would like nothing more than to hack a library system and instantly have thousands of names, addresses, and phone numbers to send advertisements about penis enlargement pills to.  So, there are policies and procedures in place to not only keep your info safe, but what information about you the library collects at all.

So we looked at why the library keeps patron information safe, what about information the patron wants from the library?  Ever seen the movie Seven?  When looking for the heinous John Doe, Morgan Freeman goes to an old government friend to get info on a bunch of "targeted" books that have been checked out from libraries by people.  Well, that's a bunch of crap.  Sort of.  What about the crazy murderous terrorist serial killers that buy their own copies?  Is there another government list for buying odd materials versus being a cheapskate and checking them out?  Now, this is a little over the top, especially in the time that movie was written.  What can happen now, thanks to dem dare 'puter base datas, is that the government can get a warrant for materials a certain person has checked out or the internet history on a public access computer that has been targeted for excess anti-'mericanism.  Most libraries will cooperate fully with releasing this information, either because they feel they should or because they have made their services and patron information nearly useless.  Some libraries only keep check-out records on items with fines, losing all items that are returned in a timely manner, or they delete internet histories on a near daily basis.  So, if you do not want your library use recorded, return your books in a timely manner and, well, just do not use public access computers.  There are ways of making them thar 'puters talk after all.

Special thanks to Library Law for a ton of great sources.
Also, follow the Library Law Blog and twitter, another great resource!

V is for Vulgate

The Vulgate (from the latin vulgata meaning "commonly used," "popular," or "so, like, totes retro cool") is a translation of the Bible made by St Jerome for the Catholic church in the 4th Century.  The text was significant for many reasons as it was the primary translation endorsed by the Catholic Church.  Even the Guttenberg Bible was a version of the Vulgate.

J-Lamb kickin with some angels

Before we step into history on the Vulgate, let's look at the man.  St. Jerome, then just known as Jerome, J-Lamb, and LL Cool J (Latins Love Cool Jerome) was born in 347.  He studied rhetoric and philosophy in Rome and began to study theology soon after.  Then, around 373, a couple of angels visited him, as they often do during times of clear-minded completely rational near-death sickness that had already killed his companions, possibly because they were not holy enough.  Soon after he began exclusively studying the Bible and its translations before eventually being asked in 380's by Pope Damasus I to translate the older latin and Hebrew texts into a new version, which was then dubbed "the Vulgate."  Because of his contributions to the church and scholarship, he was named the patron saint of librarians and libraries

As we stated above, Jerome was the original translator of the Vulgate.  Under orders, he left the majority of the New Testament untouched, while the 38 books of the Vulgate Old Testament underwent several translations due to the amount of previous translations.  Throughout the years, various other scholars have used varieties of sources to re-translate the original text to more closely resemble the Hebrew meanings.  What's fun about a 3,000 year old book is that hundreds of people have looked, revised, rewritten it so many times that often you have to go back to the sources and the sources are, well, 3,000 years old.

The text is significant for many reasons.  First, it was around for nearly 1,000 years as the #1 El Guapo version of the Bible.  The impact it made on western Christians was felt throughout society, influencing the church, law and common phraseology, even influencing the King James version that eventually was adopted by, well, King James as the definitive English translation.  During the Council of Trent in the mid 16th century, the Vulgate was officially recognized as church canon, making it the first official "Christian Wiki."  Even the first recognized mass printed book, the Gutenberg Bible, was a version of the Vulgate.

Here's some pretty decent copies of the Vulgate:
Archive.org
Archive.org (II)
University of Vermont
FourthCentury.com

U is for Utopia

Ever look around a library and wonder if this is what heaven is like?  Quiet solitude, universal Internet access, and miles upon miles of books.  Well, it happens like that some of the time.  Okay, very little.  Printers squealing, babies crying, and the overwhelming noise of one hundred people talking on their cell phones at the same time often ruin the quiet.  The Internet is for the most part always up but in limited supply as the computer lab fills up faster than the line for free... well, something free.  And, of course, the book you want is always checked out.  But why couldn't the library be utopia?  Hit the jump for a few things that could happen to speed up evolution at the library.

$5 with proof of purchase

1.  Cheaper computers
The price of personal computing is dropping every day, especially with phone and Internet companies giving out deals in exchange for two year agreements.  Once computers reach the television level of awareness, cheapness and reliability, the only problems libraries will face is the space, comfort, and availability for users to get power and keep going.   If batteries continue to improve in cost productive ways, even that will not be a huge concern.

Make me a scroll.

2.  Natural eBook readers
The ebook is catching on.  More and more users are buying ereaders and downloading their favorite books.  The demand has even begun to surface in libraries as more voracious readers do not want to pay for their content and instead get it free the way they always did at the library.  Still, the ereader is an alien device.  I am sure when folks went from scrolls to books, some jerk was all, "Nuh-uh, if it don't roll with me I don't roll with it."  If ereaders would progress to become more like technology we are used to, like implementing a real turning, readable page, more people would be apt to use them.

Years ahead.

3.  Personal cones of silence
I could not think of another way to put this other than the Get Smart cone of silence.  A device that allows me to yell my fool head off and anyone more than a foot away cannot hear me would be awesome.  I would put them all around the library, coat the library in their silency goodness.  Sure, we would have a few people die because they needed help and could not call out, but their sacrifice to the god of quiet, "Silencio," would be noted in the records as those who helped further tomorrow.  Plus, if we make cones of silence I am sure that we can make a way for people to communicate past them.  Such as:

Imagine this shoved up your ass.

4.  Internal cellphones
People carry around a cell phone anywhere and everywhere, constantly checking on the progress of... I have no idea who these people talk to.  I have people in my life that I love deeply and dearly and dear god I have nothing to say to them after about 10 minutes.  Plus, who gives that much of a shit?  This is why I have a blog, to put out all the crazy to a massive amount of people so the persons around me will still like me.  So anyway, lets let that internal voice work for some people by implanting cell phones that speak directly to that person.  I really want to know what would happen to society if we all just thought happy thoughts to our friends instead of yelling them out in public.

5.  Super Advanced Robotic Ninja Librarians
The robot apocalypse is upon us.  Do not deny it.  This will happen.  And when it does, all jobs will be replaced by robots.  I plan to donate myself to the robot cause and become a cyborg librarian.  From there I will download the greatest martial arts programs and become a warrior for the robots to destroy you all.  And do crosswords real good.  I am not saying I will turn on humanity, I just want to win and they have metal bodies.  That's f*&king metal.

T is for Taxes

The long dark tax time for the soul is over!  Sort of.  For the first time ever, the federal government moved in a progressive way to make the populous enter their W2s and 1040s and WD-40s in a modern and efficient way and ended up confusing the hell out of most of the populous.  So unlike the Fed.

Gov'ment took their papers!  And how did the overwhelming majority of the land respond?  I have no idea, I only dealt with the crazy and confused.  Most turned to others with wads of cash and said, "Here, do it for me" even though the gov'ment gave many free resources that could and did do the same service.  Still others came to the library seeking their o-so-cherished forms only to find them either beaten to the punch by their local scavenging brethren or the forms back ordered because the fellas in charge thought "Hey, we came up with such a great system, nobody will want to do it the way they have been doing it for over a half century!"  Even then, even the online services departments screwed up by not allowing the forms they put online to be copied.  Why the hell even put them online?!  Is it just to dangle the forms at people like a carrot and laugh insanely?

In conclusion, taxes will always suck, much like their sister Death.  But we are through it for another year.  So relax librarians and wish the volunteer accountants goodbye for another year.  Oh, and print out a crap ton of extension forms, cause you know that's coming.