Too often in the library the staff becomes complacent. Either because of repetition or plain boredom, they begin to give off that not so fresh feeling to the administration and to the public at large.
Not so fresh staff smell like not so fresh oranges, tangy yet mangy.
Bring in Treats
The oldest of work bribery tools is food. Unfortunately, you must disguise this blatant attempt at bribery lest the staff become entitled. You yourself may be come indoctrinated to the idea of a “Taco Tuesday” or a “French Toast Friday.” But hold strong! This is a reward system not a policy change. Making rewards a regular thing can turn “Marzipan Monday” in to just “Monday” again.
Marzipan Monday is like two pigs kissing, fulfillingly awesome.
Spice it up
Food is often not enough. Sometimes you have to bring a little more into the library. Start with roleplaying. Pretend you are a naughty patron and the staff needs to punish you and deny you services. Toys can be fun as well, especially when choosing whose turn it is at specific task. Special dice can be used. Or, if you like, learn complex arrangements to shelve to from books like the Cutter Sutra and 30 Positions to Please Your Patrons. Remember to stretch before and after to stay limber and reduce cramps.
These books know the value of the Cutter Sutra. Oh yeah.
Strike Fear in Their Hearts
Much like prison, the library can be a trying place. Also like prison, you often have to shank someone to show them whose boss. The best way to make a shank is by taking a ballpoint pen and melting it into a hard point. Then, while it is still hot, stab them just below the rib cage near the back or under the arms. Make sure to get at least three good thrusts, then walk away, dropping the shank.
Or leave the shank in.
Next month, submit an article in the newsletter praising the assaulted staff member, but place in “except that time he stepped out and I had to shank him,” to show everyone you mean business.
Burn the Mother Down
Sometimes good help really is too hard to find. That’s when you need to start over. Call a staff day and close the library. Then prepare by filling a single room with barrels of gasoline. Next, tell everyone there will be waffles in the morning in the gasoline room. But do not call it the “gasoline room.” That is crazy. If they ask about the barrels, tell them they get them for free. If they ask about the waffles, light them on fire. Teach them to be greedy gas guzzlers.
This guy knows the value of gasoline.