U is for Utopia

Ever look around a library and wonder if this is what heaven is like?  Quiet solitude, universal Internet access, and miles upon miles of books.  Well, it happens like that some of the time.  Okay, very little.  Printers squealing, babies crying, and the overwhelming noise of one hundred people talking on their cell phones at the same time often ruin the quiet.  The Internet is for the most part always up but in limited supply as the computer lab fills up faster than the line for free... well, something free.  And, of course, the book you want is always checked out.  But why couldn't the library be utopia?  Hit the jump for a few things that could happen to speed up evolution at the library.

$5 with proof of purchase

1.  Cheaper computers
The price of personal computing is dropping every day, especially with phone and Internet companies giving out deals in exchange for two year agreements.  Once computers reach the television level of awareness, cheapness and reliability, the only problems libraries will face is the space, comfort, and availability for users to get power and keep going.   If batteries continue to improve in cost productive ways, even that will not be a huge concern.

Make me a scroll.

2.  Natural eBook readers
The ebook is catching on.  More and more users are buying ereaders and downloading their favorite books.  The demand has even begun to surface in libraries as more voracious readers do not want to pay for their content and instead get it free the way they always did at the library.  Still, the ereader is an alien device.  I am sure when folks went from scrolls to books, some jerk was all, "Nuh-uh, if it don't roll with me I don't roll with it."  If ereaders would progress to become more like technology we are used to, like implementing a real turning, readable page, more people would be apt to use them.

Years ahead.

3.  Personal cones of silence
I could not think of another way to put this other than the Get Smart cone of silence.  A device that allows me to yell my fool head off and anyone more than a foot away cannot hear me would be awesome.  I would put them all around the library, coat the library in their silency goodness.  Sure, we would have a few people die because they needed help and could not call out, but their sacrifice to the god of quiet, "Silencio," would be noted in the records as those who helped further tomorrow.  Plus, if we make cones of silence I am sure that we can make a way for people to communicate past them.  Such as:

Imagine this shoved up your ass.

4.  Internal cellphones
People carry around a cell phone anywhere and everywhere, constantly checking on the progress of... I have no idea who these people talk to.  I have people in my life that I love deeply and dearly and dear god I have nothing to say to them after about 10 minutes.  Plus, who gives that much of a shit?  This is why I have a blog, to put out all the crazy to a massive amount of people so the persons around me will still like me.  So anyway, lets let that internal voice work for some people by implanting cell phones that speak directly to that person.  I really want to know what would happen to society if we all just thought happy thoughts to our friends instead of yelling them out in public.

5.  Super Advanced Robotic Ninja Librarians
The robot apocalypse is upon us.  Do not deny it.  This will happen.  And when it does, all jobs will be replaced by robots.  I plan to donate myself to the robot cause and become a cyborg librarian.  From there I will download the greatest martial arts programs and become a warrior for the robots to destroy you all.  And do crosswords real good.  I am not saying I will turn on humanity, I just want to win and they have metal bodies.  That's f*&king metal.

T is for Taxes

The long dark tax time for the soul is over!  Sort of.  For the first time ever, the federal government moved in a progressive way to make the populous enter their W2s and 1040s and WD-40s in a modern and efficient way and ended up confusing the hell out of most of the populous.  So unlike the Fed.

Gov'ment took their papers!  And how did the overwhelming majority of the land respond?  I have no idea, I only dealt with the crazy and confused.  Most turned to others with wads of cash and said, "Here, do it for me" even though the gov'ment gave many free resources that could and did do the same service.  Still others came to the library seeking their o-so-cherished forms only to find them either beaten to the punch by their local scavenging brethren or the forms back ordered because the fellas in charge thought "Hey, we came up with such a great system, nobody will want to do it the way they have been doing it for over a half century!"  Even then, even the online services departments screwed up by not allowing the forms they put online to be copied.  Why the hell even put them online?!  Is it just to dangle the forms at people like a carrot and laugh insanely?

In conclusion, taxes will always suck, much like their sister Death.  But we are through it for another year.  So relax librarians and wish the volunteer accountants goodbye for another year.  Oh, and print out a crap ton of extension forms, cause you know that's coming.

S is for Sequel

"Explosive Fairy Action" 
Todd, Daily Rag-A-Muffin

"This is about as pure example of the fae-splotation genre as you can get." 
Evan, Banned Library

"Four Tacos, would you like anything else?" 
Wendy, Taco Crazy Loco

"Whoever said 'I don't believe in fairies' needs to be shot because it would take a thunder-clap to bring Libris back from the dead. Who wants nachos?" 
Ernie, Annoying Neighbor

From the mind that brought you First Wood and Libris: First Wood Part II comes a new type of action blog post.  

First they destroyed her wood for paper.  

Then she got her revenge.  

Now, after years of rebuilding, a new threat is on the horizon in...

Coming May 2015








or maybe June 2015... 








We don't know.  
We might have company that day. 








Maybe July?  
Nah, the kids have camp.  
Okay, I guess May or June.  2015.








Ooooo, what about October?  We can watch the leaves turn...


Wait, what are you talking about?


Our vacation.  Why, what are you talking about?


The opening date for LIBRIS III.  


Oh...  Yeah, that'll never happen.

Apple Tracking its Users: Up in Your Kool-Aid

Do you have an Apple iPod, iPhone or iPad with 3G service?  Then Apple knows right where you are at all times, and so could anyone else with access to your device or computer.  Several researchers have come out and directly stated that Apple devices with 3G service monitor and collect information about where they are, even if you directly opt for the device and apps not to, then transmit that information to Apple via iTunes when they sync. 

I tried to come up with a funny name for Apple but could not.  I wanted to riff off of 1984 but "Big Apple" is taken.  I thought of coming up with a Santa Claus joke, but I never had to pay Santa for bad service.  I finally settled on now just referring to any bad, extraneous or invasive behavior by a device or service as an "Apple."

Chicago Sun Times and Geekologie

R is for RAM

RAM is the life blood of your computer.  Random Access Memory is one of the real powers behind your computer.  When a computer starts, the RAM flies into action telling every bit of data where to go and how to do its job, kinda like a foreman at a work site.  

Joey! Get that "Dick in a Box" video to the monitor!  Now!  Aw, not the jerks from iTunes, again...

Tough but fair, your computer is only as strong as its RAM.  One of the main reasons your computer will begin to slow down is the RAM will either start to go bad or not be powerful enough to handle the newer websites and technologies computers advance to over the years.  Replacing or adding to the RAM is a fix that can give your computer another year or two and be more cost effective than the other option, buying another computer that is more up-to-date.

I think there is a parallel between library life and RAM.  The librarian and library are only as strong as its random memory access, the ability to quickly move from one area of knowledge to another, make intuitive or reasoned leaps as to what a patron is asking, and give simple reader advisory.  Rarely can a person stump a librarian when looking for a good book, especially after giving a few examples as to what the reader likes.

You like Danielle Steele?  Try some Nora Roberts.

You like books on football?  Try Friday Night Lights by H. G. Bissinger.

How about books about training blind horses to jump fences?  Maybe try 636.1?

You like throwing yourself down flights of stairs while tying balloon figures that look like dead celebrities?  I... um... ow... Physical memory dump.  BSD error.  Please call your system administrator.

How Stuff Works

Amazon Announces Library Lending

Amazon, purveyors of the Kindle and its little ebook babies, have announced a new service they are working on called "Library Lending."  Through a partnership with Overdrive, ebooks from Amazon would be able to be checked out from a local public library on any Kindle or Kindle app.  Also, using their Whispersync service, Amazon would be be able to save your notes and bookmarks on any book you checked out after it is "returned" should you decide to re-check out or purchase the item:

"Customers will be able to check out a Kindle book from their local library and start reading on any Kindle device or free Kindle app for Android, iPad, iPod touch, iPhone, PC, Mac, BlackBerry, or Windows Phone. If a Kindle book is checked out again or that book is purchased from Amazon, all of a customer's annotations and bookmarks will be preserved." - Amazon 

Well, well.  Look who's jumping on the library bandwagon, eh?  I think this is good news.  The technology is growing towards universal ebook formats and a universal ebook carriers, just as I predicted.  Well, me and every other person with a blog and a half invested interest.  The future is now, people!  Rock on!

Q is for Quagmire

Giggidy, Giggidy.

Has this ever happened to you:

You are innocently shelving a few books.  Suddenly, the hairs on the back of your neck start to tingle.  You look around, but see nothing.  Then, through an opening on the shelf you see a pair of eyes staring at you.  Like a good librarian, you ignore the eyes and go back to the task at hand.  You feel a shift in the force.  A small, bald man in a grey cardigan and sweat pants nears you.  He holds out a piece of paper and asks you where the cook books are.  You show him.  He thanks you and explains to you about how his wife just had twins and he is in charge of cooking and is completely out of sorts.  You smile and tell him if he needs anything to just ask.  He thanks you and leaves as you return to the desk.  Then some guy hits on you.

Happens all the time.  Well, the helping a bedraggled stranger part.  Not so much the getting hit on, but when you are a six foot, three inch, 240 pound dude, you do not get much play from the pervert crowd.  Except for... nah, not here, not now.  However, I have seen this happen often and interviewed a few of my fellow librarians of the female type and come up with a few pointers:

1.    Stay calm and professional
2.    Keep your distance.
3.    Move to a crowded area.
4.    Tell someone.
5.    Carry mace or pepper spray.
6.    Carry a baseball bat emblazoned with the words "Nut-Buster 3000."
7.    On your first day, get in a fight with the biggest dude there.
8.    Don't eat the yellow snow.
9.    Get away from me.
10.  You don't have to be faster than the pervert, just faster than your coworkers.