Our Books Can Have Lead!

Example: Not gold

Congress amended the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act (CPSIA) to include library books as those items we do not have to test for lead.  Any book made before the law was passed will be exempt from testing.  This makes a lot of libraries happy as they can now continue slowly poisoning their patrons with lead-painted books without being hassled by The Man don't have to test their entire collections.

"I think this is a long time coming," said Jessica McGilvray, assistant director for the American Library Association's Office of Government Relations. "I'm thrilled to see they finally did this," she said. [LibraryJournal] 

That was a PROBLEM?!  I have been around library books all my life, and just now I learn that they may or may not have lead paint in them.  I eat those books!  I feed those books to children!  Snack time will be ruined forever, all thanks to some goody-goodies that can't stand a little lead in their diet.  This is going to kill our metal-agriculture market, as laid out by the 2008 documentry Tropic Thunder:

Dumb IE Users Fooled by Fake "IE Users Are Dumb" Study

A study was sent out over the weekend from a fake company called "AptiQuant" that said those that used Microsoft's Internet Explorer had a lower IQ of those that used Mozilla's Firefox or Google's Chrome browsers.  The people that put out the fake study (internetz denizenz) have come forward to agree that, yes, it is fake.  What a relief.

Hey, I got an idea, why don't we see what else IE users will believe? 

You are a Winner [blink, blink, blink]!  

Click here and leave your social security number and we will get right back to you with a free iPod mini-shufflePhoneBox. 

[Fake Study]
[ComputerWorld]

The Public Library Vs Netflix: DVD Battle Royal

The time has come, the public library and Netflix square off in a battle of epic proportions.  I wish I did not have to do this, just like the time I gave forks to my twins Eli and Manning with only one plate of spaghetti, but I am going to do it.  Who can give you the best service for your viewing pleasurability? 

While the public library and Netflix prepare, here's the rules:  There are no rules.  Each will compete in 6 categories; Cost, Selection, Wait Time, Loan Time, Online Availability, and Helpfulness.  Whoever wins this battle will be crowned Emperor of DVDs and the other thrown into The Pit of Shame.  Or not.  Depends on if the Pit of Shame is available.  

Cost: The Public Library

The Public Library don't cost you nuthin'.  Well, except the taxes, but you had to pay them anyway so you might as well take advantage.  Netflix will always cost you something, from their lowest streaming only plan to the 50 DVDs at once or whatever.  Oh, Netflix gets a low blow right from the get go as The Library raises its fist in triumph!

Pictured: Triumph

Selection: Netflix

Netflix comes back with a vengeance with however many titles to choose from on both DVD and streaming.  The Public Library falls short here, only having what the library could afford to buy cause they gots to worry about other things like books.  Boo hoo.  Netflix gives a round-house kick and delivers.

They changed into skirts for that one.

Wait Time: The Public Library

The Public Library has what Netflix does not: Location, giving it firm footing from which to kick Netflix square in the junk.  Netflix goes down again as you have to wait a whole business day to get the movies you want.  Netflix tried to fight back with "Well, what if what you want is gone? What if somebody checked out what I want? Mew, mew, mew."  Then you can pick something else up immediately and not have to wait.  The Public Library might not have what you want, but it's got something.

Here's a little something.

Loan Time: Netflix

Netflix was angry after that assault on its wait time and came back with its most devious of powers: unlimited loan time.  Sure, you keep getting charged for each month, but with the unlimited wait time your kid could watch Toy Story to infinity and beyond.  The Public Library, whatever its incarnation, requires you to have the items back so that someone else can use them.  With that pansy logic, Netflix flexes its hardened groin and screams into the night.

Primal Scream and Groin Flex, Yo.

Online Availability: Netflix

With a primal scream, Netflix pounds at the Public Library with a stream of movies from anywhere you are.  Found on most gaming platforms and smartphones, Netflix just does not give its opponent any room to breathe.  The Public Library attempts to fight back with services much like Netflix, but they cannot compare with the titanic amount of movies and TV shows Netflix has available.  Netflix using its streaming attack to fly at The Public Library and knock it to the ground.

I Believe I Can Fly!!!

Helpfulness: The Public Library

The Public Library comes into action by giving Netflix a steel folding chair of helpfulness to the face!  Netflix may be hurt by this one, folks.  Yeah, Netflix allows you to pick and rate movies you want.  Yeah, it gives suggestions about what you may like.  But it is cold and lifeless.  The Public Library wins the Helpfulness by being flesh and blood, caring and kind and always there to listen.  The Public Library cares why you want a movie, not just getting it to you as fast as possible.  The reason to watch something can make the difference between two hours of blah and a cheering family night of fun.  The Public Library smacks down Netflix again, then helps it up as we check out the results.

The Public Library does not kid about chairs to the face.

The Winner: Tie!

By this totally arbitrary scale, yes, neither won.  To be fair, if you have the money Netflix is a good service and the public library is always available.  In short, this contest should not be.  It is a silly dramatization of a pointless debate.  If you read this looking for a clear winner, then I am sorry because you must under or overvalue your public library's ability to serve.  I might as well have compared the public library's WiFi to Starbuck's WiFi.  Private companies will always do certain things better, but libraries will always have the advantage of being an integral part of a community.

Let's Turn Pound Puppies into Pound Scholars

A Texas library has begun a program to help children learn to read and make animals more sociable.  Who watchsit, you say?  "I Read to Animals" is a joint project of the Got Paws? animal rescue group and the Longview Public Library. They read to the animals.

 I think this is just dangerous.  My house cat Jersey is already pretty uppity.  I can not imagine giving him the works of Shakespeare or Thoreau or god help me George Orwell.  Last thing I need is for him to get halfway through Animal Farm and start getting ideas.  And heaven's to betsy if he ever gets on the Internet.  No, I'll keep Jersey simple for now.  All he will know is that the outside world contains only thunderstorms and tornadoes cause that's the only time I take him outside.

[News-Journal]

Should Library Employees Be Held To a Code of Silence?

A Michigan library employee is suing for wrongful termination after being fired in 2008 for writing a book about her experiences in the library with unpleasant patrons. This brings up a question: do we, as librarians, have the right to talk about our job experiences in public?

I have not read the book in question.  I have, however, seen many books, blogs, twitter accounts, and videos that discuss both the joys and hardships of being a librarian.  A great deal of these librarians hide in the anonymity of the Internet.  I myself stay relatively hidden as I make my snarky comments.  Do I fear losing my job?  Not really, but I do worry about undermining the integrity of my position and the confidence of my patrons, which is ironic considering how much trouble a few of them can be.  I protect you so you can yell at me.  Heart swells.

At the same time, I do not remember ever taking a vow of silence.  Sure, I will protect your secrets to the best of my ability, but you don't get to walk into a public building and expect privacy.  If I say something dumb to the guy at Walgreen's and it shows up on NotAlwaysRight the next day, then I should have watched what I was saying.  The basic law of librarianship is the same as medicine, "Do no harm."  I will give you the best information possible from the best sources possible.  If you act like a jerk about my help, I need to have some place to vent or I might as well hand in my library decoder ring before I go crazy and start chucking bestsellers at people.

Now, what I promise to always do is vague it the hell up.  The problem with "ole-miss-write-a-book" seems to be that she allegedly did not cover up her patrons enough when she wrote her "fiction."  Again, I have not read the book so I can not give judgement on the matter, but crazy don't have color or age.  You can spin that person who stole the first page out of 20 books around to look like your eighth grade math teacher and nobody would know the difference.

So that's what I have... I reserve the right to write.  I like it.  I can, on occasion, be good at it.  I promise not to embarrass anybody that is not directly related to me.  I cannot do anything more than that.

Here's her book
[ChicagoTribune]

AT&T Will Save You From Too Much Internetz

When AT&T eliminated their unlimited data plan last year, we all knew that was all they were gonna do and just build their awesome network.  Right?  Nope.  Now they have announced they will begin throttling back the usage of heavy data users.  No cap has been set, but they have said they will warn you when they do it.  Plus, it'll only be for the month you do it in!

Aw, ain't that so nice of them.  I mean, it's not like its a punishment for holding on to a phone I really like just to keep a plan that makes sense because I am constantly using my phone in my everyday life.  I mean, I know that pushing emails from my small business server while I run around trying to drum up business in this weak economy is taxing AT&T's network, but I don't care because I am just a child that needs to be slapped on the hand for using a service I pay for.

I'm a jerk.

http://www.mobileburn.com/news.jsp?Id=16027

Library 2.0, or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Facespace+

Several years ago, the library community was all abuzz with Library 2.0.  This new phase of Internet connectivity was supposed to put patrons in touch with the library in new and exciting ways through social networking, wikis, blogs, etc.  Has this really happened?  Some say yes, some say that Library 2.0 is a silly name.  I mean, com'on, the history of libraries is way past version 2.0.  If you want to put it in "computer" terms, most libraries are at least around the 6.0 mark or even ready for a new name all together, like "Library 2011: Home Edition."  Anyway, social networks are a part of libraries now, expanding our service in new and interesting ways.

Your mission as an information professional, should you choose to accept it, will be to infiltrate the social network community.  From there, you will do what you can to bring down the Internet.

Stage 1.  Connect with Patrons
The first thing you must do is make contact with the people and bring them to your library's side.  Give exclusive information and deals through the social networks, such as a free book sale book if the patron posts on the site or special events only listed on the website.  However you choose to include the patrons, the outcome must be the same:  as many followers as possible.  The name of the game is rich content, as often as possible.  Give them book reviews with pictures, pictures from events, pictures from around the library.  Are you seeing a trend?  Nothing too wordy.  If at all possible make it flash and contain the word "FREE" just as I have.

Swallow your soul!

Stage 2.  Connect with Other Libraries
Now that you have your local interests taken care of (and the numbers of people to justify the actions), begin connecting to other like-minded institutions in your area and beyond.  This will help in two ways: 1) This is a great way to learn about how other systems are connecting to their patrons and get tips on the subject. 2) This is an excellent way to coordinate when the time to strike is right.  When is the right time, you ask?  Well, you won't know unless you are sharing, will you? 

Too late.

Stage 3.  Connect the Community
Now that you have the community's trust, it is time to begin connecting the community.  Forming bonds.  Tying them together into an inescapable web of intrigue and desire, like a bowling team with matching shirts.  You have given them much, and while they will always crave more you can spoon feed them content to their hearts content.  Share information with your fellow libraries to branch the community.  Encourage them to comment, give incentives for them to do so.  Raffles help.  Stay up to date with your horde until they cannot live without you.  Laugh at their jokes.

Not too much.  At least he's not peeing.

Stage 4.  Collect Blackmail Information
You have your patrons, you have your libraries, you have your community.  Now is the time to invest in the community at large.  Both online and offline, start spamming interested parties with information.  When they become complacent with all the information you are giving them, put out a simple survey.  This survey will comprise of normal data (age, gender, etc.) but will also include abnormal data (favorite taco toppings, top 50 ways to leave a lover, etc.).  They trust you now, the library, to give you the information you require.  Keep this data, along with any DNA from the surveys they fill out, in little baggies in the back room you will label "maintenance."  If you did online surveys, include some code to collect their internet histories that you will also collect on a server in the "maintenance room."  Wait.

It is handy to have the right font.

Stage 5.  Spread Misinformation
As the library cog in the middle of their social networking wheel, you begin to slowly break them down.  "Eliza won today's prize.  Isn't she awesome!" "Yes, [that book] was interesting, but [this book] is better."  Break down their spirit by making the jealous of each other.  Competition breeds the strong, weeds out the weak.  For our army we want only the most dedicated followers.  Point out the weak when you can, the ones that do not come to story time, the one's who make bad comments to your suspect recommendations.  Form your Library 2.0 army into a snarky, hate-filled snake that will just as soon eat its own tail as strike out at another website.  If anyone steps out of line, look back to your surveys and remind them about the party at the Dansbury's.  That'll shut'em up.  You are ready to begin.

Yes, Excellent...

Stage 6.  Attack the Internet From Within
Send your minion followers out to do your bidding.  Begin small; petitions to keep libraries open and other socially conscious behaviors.  Continue to wield your mighty internet blade, slashing out at various local news organizations, book review websites and bloggers until they have no choice but to perish or join. Finally go after the beast itself.  Claim content infringement.  Claim that the social network of choice is not allowing for privacy, for anonymity, or simply that the service is a poopyhead.  However you decide, remember that the power of the unknowing sheep is yours.  Use it wisely or have it used against you.  Once you have the social network you have the world wide web.

Well, not the whole world.  These people scare me.