7 Deadly Ways to a Better Budget

Well, the belt seems to be getting a little tighter for libraries, huh? Each year, budgets are reduced little by little until soon not much will be left.  So how do you cope?  What can get you through?

Drinking with a robot gets me through the day.

Hit the jump to learn seven ways to save a little cash.

1.  Look around at what you can take.  Just how moral are you?  Do you remember taking an oath as a librarian?  Just remember that whole "serve the partrons" thing.  So you have to do whatever you have to do, right?  So look for your personal limits as a librarian.  An easy way is to ask for donations in the form of gift cards, especially from copy centers.  Then buy one copy of a popular book instead of thirty and just go nuts at the copy machine. 

Nature's money saver.

Go for broke in bulk, that way you get a cheaper rate.  When was the last time the copyright police raided a place, am I right?  If anyone asks any questions, you are a librarian.  Tell those pansies you looked it up somewhere.

2.  Check out your fellow government workers.  Those punks in the city planning office seem to get all the pens and paperclips they want, don't they?  And that library system across the river with entire Stephen King collection, who do they think they are?  Well, instead of just sitting there all jealous, go out and take what you want.  Make a friend in other departments, visit them for lunch, then swipe stuff off their desk.

Little bit of ether and you can have it all!

 Walk into that other library and just start stuffing books into a shopping bag, or throw them out the window to an accomplice.  We are all in this together, you know.  And that other library's stuff should be yours.

3.  Food for fines.  Let us talk programs.  How about open up an illegal food service in your library's basement?  The gentle smell of grilled hotdogs wafting up the isles will surely bring the patrons back for more. 

Buffet and Circ Desk:  Would you like fries with that Sue Grafton?

Alternatively, to pay/feed your employees, start a food for fines program.  If the patron brings in some food, any food, a portion of his or her fines are waved.  Then the staff can fight over the scraps.  Talk about customer service then.

4.  Spice the place up.  You know why Hooters is famous?  It is not because of the decor.  Get your staff to go the saucier route.  Low cut tops and short shorts can really drive in the patrons.  And for the ladies, maybe show a little ankle or even calf muscle. 

Or, you know, go Amish...

Do not be afraid to let down the librarian bun and show them what you are working with.  You would be suprised by the response.  Also, a "back room" for more risque materials can also be popular.  People always want what they think they should not have.

5.  Know your library is the best.  What is wrong in taking a little pride in what you have done?  Showing strength that for years you used the money you had to the best of your ability is awesome.  The patrons should be thanking you day in and day out over the detail you put into that library.  They should start paying for each checkout, hell, each experience they have inside your hallowed shelves.  They should have to get down on their knees and pray to the god of patrons that they get to wipe their feet on your "I like books" door mat. 

This is the door mat I was refering to.

6.  Punishment is its own reward.  Begin to tighten the noose on those lazy, ungrateful patrons.  If punishments fit the crime, then fines should be paid in blood.  Those too far in debt will not only be unable to check out, but be banished from the kingdom.  The loud will be deafened.  The late will be stricken down.  Cell phones will mean certain death.  Those who break these bounds will be thrown into the weekly book pire of sin to prepare their way to hell's flames.  Charles Cutter would have wanted it this way.

Conan the Librarian: Patron Saint of Whoop-ass

7.  Forget about it.  There is nothing really that you can do.  Just continue doing what you always did, maybe less.  Install a television at the circ desk and just veg out.  Let the patrons take what they want, who needs records?  It is all meaningless anyway.  Take a nap or something.  You deserve it.

Are You Seeing Color?

Wrong, Just not even close.

The new Iphone/Android app* Color came out today, and boy is it getting folks's panties in a twist.  The app is a photo sharing app, but with a twist.  As PC Mag reports, 

"It taps into your GPS to find your location and shares photos that you took with other users—any other users, not just your friends—who are within a 100-foot radius. It's voluntary in the sense that you have to download and install the app in order to use it or be included in what other people see, but once you're in, you're in, with little ability to limit who sees what."

Government spies!!! The rooskies are a'comin and they are peering in at you peers and there ain't nothing you can do about it.  Look at the guy next to you.  Commie!  And that girl.  No not her, she's cool, the blonde one.  Yeah, that straw-haired vixen's plotting your downfall, looking into your phone and stealing all your pictures.  No more privacy, just the twisted fantasies of a world where all mankind's secrets are locked away in each and every brain not out on the wires-less for all to see.  Hussies.  

Wow.  I am not sure if I channeled crazy conspiracy guy or the old lady who lived at the end of our block.  She smelled like meatballs and burnt tires and loved Rocky IV.  

The best part about "Color"?  There's a little TM after it.  Yep, they trademarked that shit.  Suck it, Crayola!

*Someone at Apple and Google fell over dead when I put them that close.

Self Publishing Queen Sells Out: Good For Her

Can't fight fate...

Self-published author Amanda Hocking recently signed a book deal with St. Martin's Press for more than $2 million.  Hocking has already made around that much in her self publishing efforts, as we reported a while back.  She was made a media and indie publishing darling after the news was announced and I bet some out there are saying she sold out.  Screw'em.  You get paid, girl.

Plus, she already did her work.  She wrote, she marketed, she self-published.  She got paid.  Now, she gets paid without having to do all that work (beyond writing).  Good for her.  I hope everyone learns from this:  if you work long and hard and make a lot of money at it, big corporations will pay you.  The more you know.

New York Times

Amazon Playing Early April Fools on Lendle?

Just yesterday we reported that Amazon had shut down the eBook lending site cleverly named "Lendle."  Turns out Amazon was just having a little fun early, I guess, and rescinded the shut downedness.  Lendle's blog states:


"We’re thrilled to report that Amazon has reinstated our api access, and Lendle is back up and running. Welcome back, Lendlers!"


Welcome back, indeed.

The Reference Snake

Well, well.  Ain't we some sorry so & so's.  There just ain't nuthin funny about today's library news.  I go on the Google and I 'spect to see something worth mocking.  Something a little off.  Maybe eBooks started blowing right the hell up.  No, all I see is budget news, LoC exhibits, libraries closing, protests, and do not get me started with how sick I am with that stupid "Asians in the Library" video (I am not linking to that crap, Google it if you must).

Now I have to go to my roots.  Break out in dialect and shit.  Maybe tell y'all a story.

Gather 'round after the jump.

The Reference Snake     

     My library mentor was a man named Library Bill.  Bill worked reference back in the days before computers and had subsequently memorized the nonfiction collection.  When the computers arrived, his first act was to spit on them.  I found this encouraging as Bill had almost been thrown out of his MLIS program for peeing on a Coke machine in front of the dean.

     On a sunny November morning, Bill was showing me how to use the Reader's Advisory books to pick up girls.  We looked up as we heard shouting from the circulation desk.  A mud-bathed man stood gesturing wildly as the poor circulation librarian retreated.  Bill walked to the desk and I followed.

     "Can we help?" Bill asked.

     "Y'all got books on snakes?" the man asked.

     "Yep."

     "Follow me," the man said as he began following his own mud trail to the front door.

     Library Bill and I shrugged and followed the man to a blue Chevy pickup, also covered in mud.  In the cab was a sweet looking golden lab.  You could hear the dog's whine as we approached.

     The man lead us around the bed of the pickup.  He paused for a moment for us to catch up, then threw a burlap sack on the ground.  The sack moved.

     "It bit my dog," Mudman said, wiping his nose with the back of his hand, "Need to know if its poison.  Can't 'ford no vet less the dog's in trouble."

     Bill and I again looked at each other again.

     "Why's it alive?" Bill asked.

     "Ain't gonna kill nothing for doin what its sup'osed to do, Bill.  Plus, the vet might need it."

     "Sounds fair," Bill said, "Open her up."

     I was shocked to find he was looking at me.  I shook my head, "Above my pay grade, sir."

     The two men laughed and found a heavy stick to hold the snake down with while we identified it.  Now, you may be wondering, who is calling animal control or the police?  For the first part, guys like this were animal control.  For the second, we lived in what you would call "meth country." The boys in blue had better things to worry about.  Plus, all they would have done is stand around and argue about what kind of snake it was.  Then maybe shoot it, endangering us all.

     Anyway, the two of them wrangled the snake into a position where I could sketch out the markings.  Mudman tied the snake back up and we went to the books.  Five minutes later we had our identity and the dog was safe.

     Mudman was soon gone.

     Bill turned to me, his eyes a little far off, "Boy, I think I'm having a stroke.  Damn snake scared the shit out of me.  Here, call this number and tell my wife to come get me."  His hand shook as he handed me a card with neat handwriting on it.  Bill walked toward the front door.

     "Where you going, Mr. Bill?" I asked after him, "Shouldn't I call the hospital?"

     "I'm gonna have a cigarette," he said, smiling out one side of his mouth, "Now call my wife."

     I watched the man walk out and sit on the curb in the parking lot while I dialed the number.  When his wife answered, I told him what he said and she said she would be right there.

     She came six minutes later.  Then Bill was gone, too.

More Proof that Mothers Are Out of Touch: MADD & Archie Comics

I am probably in enough trouble without putting a three-way joke here.

MADD (Mother's Against Drunk Driving) are partnering up with Archie Comics to teach children the dangers of drinking and driving.  I, uh...  Really?  Do not get me wrong, I am all about teaching kids the dangers of drunk driving.  But know your audience.  I know that enough people read Archie Comics to keep them publishing, but are these the folks that we are worried about drinking and driving?  I have to know.  I need to know what this story line is.  Does Jughead get loaded on his mom's wine coolers and try to go out for a burger?  Does Mr.Weatherbee get loaded at the bar and drunk dial Miss Grundy?  Does the above image get all naughty the night of prom and.... no, I said I would not mention three-ways.  Too easy.

Where does this end?  Are the Thundercats doing promos still talking about the dangers of peer preassure?  Do the cast of Witches of Waverly Place do a special on the dangers of black tar heroin in 10 years when nobody remembers them?  Does the cast Saved by the Bell get back together and tell you to stay in school?

God, I hope so.

PRNewswire

eBook News That's Fit to ePrint II: Electric Bookaloo

Welcome to another installment of the eBook News.  Sometimes, so much news comes in we just have to shove it all at you at once.  Here we go:

The courts turned down Google's big settlement over digitizing books from the nations libraries.  The federal judge in the case said giving Google the right to continue would exploit copyrights.  Ouch.  I mean, man that had to really hurt.  And I love Google, but man that really had to hurt.  New York Times

Amazon shuts down the eBook lending site cleverly named Lendle.  Citing a concern for their book owners, Amazon got all Mean Joe Greene and blocked their asses.  I just made a sports reference that fit.  Guardian

Best-selling author Barry Eisler turned down a $500,000 contract with a major publisher and instead self publish online.  Yep.  I will never see that kind of money outside of it blowing the hell up in a Michael Bay movie.  techeye

EbscoHost is using the service NetLibrary that it bought from OCLC a while back to give previews of eBooks.  And you thought they were just for peer-reviewed journal articles.  So did I.  Neato.  prweb

And that's it for today.  Sorry I did not take the time to comment on each and every one of them in all the glory that they required, but I did not want to.  I am busy, what can I say?