Top Ten Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen!

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Exhibit A

Welcome to The Top Ten Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen by Banned Library for the Worst Movies Ever! Blogfest.

Oh, how I love a good bad movie.  Gore, schlock, random nudity, bad characters and dialog that allows my friends and I to become the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and pop jokes off at the screen.  I love those movies in a dirty way.

But then there are other movies.   Movies so pretentious, over done or just so horrible that you say, "What the fuck is this shit?"

I did not include any sequels or remakes on my list.  That was not part of the Blogfest rules but something I added because I feel a bad sequel or remake is a particular form of bad movie.  A bad sequel, like myself, can be seen as inferior because it is compared to its greater, older brother.  I want these movies to suck on their own merit, not in the shadow of others.  I also have great luck in avoiding bad movies, so this list does not include such gems as Battlefield Earth or Norbit. 

So here they are: The 10 Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen.

 

10. Vanilla Sky

I put this movie on the list for a definite reason: Cameron Diaz.  She wrecked this movie like she wrecked that car.  But she is not alone in the suckage that is VS.  Cruise acts his way into a paper bag and the plot is as forgettable as it is twisty.  The only part I remember liking about this movie was Kurt Russell.  Okay, maybe naked Penelope Cruz, but that was before you could see her naked in anything.  A too-long, boring movie about a guy that does not like his face.

9. Magnolia

Oh, holy hell, how I wanted to like this movie.  I remember renting this with my roommate 10 years ago and having to pay extra because it came on two VHS tapes.  Yeah, that was just the start of the night.  Then, half way through we take out the first tape and excitedly discuss what we had seen and what it might mean and we put in the second tape and blah.  Just blah.  Beautifully-shot, well-acted and quotable as hell, but a bore-fest that fell flat in every way as it reached the end.

8. Batteries Not Included 

 I hated these little robots.  I was about six when I walked out of the theater and pronounced this the worst movie I had ever seen.  Note at this point I had loved Back to the Future, Transformers: The Movie and Secret of NIMH, so I knew what I was talking about.  Cocoon meets E.T. with some B.S. added in takes this movie out of charming and into banal.

 

7. The Island of Dr. Moreau

To hell with this movie.  Yes, I was watching this movie as part of a bet that I could stay in the mall from opening to closing (14hrs), but even I almost walked out of this endurance test of a movie.  The makeup was horrible and borderline grotesque, especially on an overweight and over-indulged Marlon Brando.

 

6. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter  

 Little back story here:  My friend and I had this movie as a running joke for 2 years before we finally tracked down a copy.  We walked into the video store and as I reached for a copy of Buffy Season 4, I heard my buddy say, "Say... Do you have independent titles?" Then he asked the clerk if she had this movie.  Apparently, someone had ordered it, but never come to claim it.  I now know why and my buddy has attempted give this movie away no more than 12 times.  Here's the plot, in case you almost want to see this:  Jesus Christ is brought back for the rapture, but before that he has to kill all the vampires who are killing lesbians to wear their skin so they can walk in the sun.  He does.  The end.  This is the only movie I have ever said would be better with nudity, because at least then there would be something you would like to see on the screen.

 

5. The River Wild 

 This is the first movie I ever walked out on.  Plot? According to IMDB: "Meryl Streep takes on a pair of armed killers while navigating a spectacularly violent river."  Here's a little tip, if a great actor or actress is in a wildly dumb premised movie, don't go see that movie.  Unless it has Nicholas Cage.  Only Nick Cage can pull that off.  I will see any movie with a plot that starts, "Nicholas Cage..."  He is the only actor alive that can navigate those waters.

 

4. Cool World 

 This Roger Rabbit on crack might as well have been filmed while it was being drawn.   Nothing about this movie is enjoyable, from the erratic acting to the poor animation.  When Brad Pitt is your straight man against an animated Kim Basinger named "Holly Would," you did something wrong, movie.

 

3. Hostel 

 This movie has everything I hate about these so-called "horror" torture porn movies.  #1, Scary is not the same as grossed out or uncomfortable.  I do not have the fear that weirdos will kill me for sport if I go to another country.  I DO have the fear that a shark will eat me if I go swimming in the ocean (thanks, Jaws.) #2, I have to like someone if you want me to care when they die.  Why is that hard to understand?  #3, If a death is on screen and you don't care what I think about the person dying, make it memorable.  I've watched Freddy, Jason, and others kill lots o' folks and had a good time doing it because it was meant to be fun (slashers are more comedy than horror).  If I want someone to die in a realistic way, I will watch your mom's wedding night video, Eli Roth.

 

2. Garfield 

 I hate Mondays and Garfield.  I heard "Bill Murray as Garfield" and was there.  Then I walked right the hell out of the theater, the second of only three movies I have ever walked out on (River Wild, this one, and the next one).  Milo and Otis had better CGI than this.

 

1. Catwoman 

 Fuck this movie.  Last movie I have ever walked out on, only movie I ever walked out on twice.  I walked back in, saw Berry licking milk or Sharon Stone in plastic face or something and walked right back out.

Honorable Mentions

I include a few honorable mentions because there are movies I hated based on either the pretention involved or the mis-use of the license but do not consider them among the "worst movies I have ever seen" if only because I had a good time watching them.

The Wall - Good in arty way but I can not sit through it.  Even on the best liquid LSD I ever had, I still disliked this movie.

House of 1000 Corpses - A re-tred of Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequels.  There was no fun in this movie to be had, but the gore and characters were very 70s/early 90s horror, which I can respect.  Plus I hated Halloween remake but I can not talk about that movie because it was a remake so I am venting my frustrations on H1KC.

Twilight - I took my exgirlfriend (who was totally on Team Edward) to this moive.  She got very mad at me for laughing during the entire thing.  We broke up.  I regret nothing.  This movie and book series is a horribly awful phenomenon which would have been on par with Airplane! and Not Another Teen Movie if it had meant to be a comedy.

Bebe's Kids - They should die, not multiply.  There are very funny bits of this movie centered around a horrible cast of unlikeable assholes.

Spice World - This craptastic movie came out in a very sensitive part of my childhood.  They had boobs.

"Go the F(moon)k to Sleep" Optioned as a Movie

Variety reports that the adult child rearing book Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam Mansbach has been optioned as a movie by Fox.

Self help books and twitter feeds, those make great film, ain't that right "Sh@t My Dad Says" and He's Just Not That Into You?  (Actually, I kinda liked that movie.)

Variety

Top Ten Movies for Libraries Because That's How Many The Oscars Nominate Now 2011

This tiny gold man will up your circulation

That time of the year is upon us when a bunch of actors, directors, and movie making people tell us which movies are best at stuff in the whole wide world.  Because of this, lists are created and people pay attention to these lists and because librarians are supposed to be all "with it" and "groovy" with the "peeps," we have to pay attention to this crap, too.  

What follows is a list of movies that will be the most sought after because they are in the top 4 categories, Best Picture, Actor, Actress, and Director.  There are a host of other awards on the list, but I will only mention a couple when necessary either because the category has been split or because the only people who care about who gets the cinematography or screenplay awards already own the damn movies.  

So, here they are, the Top Ten Movies for Libraries Because That's How Many The Oscar's Nominate Now 2011, in no particular order:

 

Toy Story 3
Toy Story 3 is up for Best Moving Picture, Words on Paper, Animated Thingy, and Original Words to a Tune.  Let's face it folks, Pixar not only makes great movies as well as fodder for kids and adults.  Your patrons will not only love you, but they will tear these discs to pieces, so buy lots o' copies.

True Grit
True Grit is up for Best Moving Picture, Dude, Dudette in Background, Guy With Camera, and lots of others.  Yeah, this remake is not out yet on VHS, but you can stock up now on a couple of copies of the John Wayne version and the elderly folk will not know the difference.  Go to town pushing up your circ numbers!

King's Speech

King's Speech is up for Best Moving Picture, Dude, Dude in Background, Dudette in Background, Guy With Camera, and lots of others.  While I cannot recommend this one personally, as someone who once stuttered I am all about watching some guy who did learn not to and relive that tiny, dark closet where Speech Therapy class was.  Preorder today?

Social Network

Social Network is up for Best Moving Picture, Guy with Camera, Words on Paper, and others.  Again, I cannot say I have seen this one and therefore cannot recommend it, but the kids are all about the Facebook.  I could see the appeal, as two to three hours is about all the entertainment I can get out of Facebook.

127 Hours

127 Hours is up for Best Moving Picture, Dude, Words on Paper, Cut and Paste Movieing, and others.  See the movie even James Franco's grandma liked.  I am a bit of a wuss, but I may give this one a watch if it comes on the watching movie site thing I use on my game box / computer toy / phoney phone.  Get it for all your patrons who like hiking.

The Fighter

The Fighter is up for Best Moving Picture, Dude in Background, Dudette in Background X 2, Guy With Camera, and others.  This movie is for all those people in your library who like old Calvin Kline ads, Dark Knight, and cans of whoop-ass.  I have not seen this movie.

Inception

Inception is up for Best Moving Picture, Words on Paper, Guys with Lights, Guys with Instruments, and Guy with Photoshop.  This movie is for that guy who liked the Dark Knight and always comes in with another strange dream he just has to share.  Does he have friends?  Really, am I his friend?  That's sad...

Black Swan

Black Swan is up for Best Movie Picture, Dudette, Dude in Background, Guy with Camera, and others.  This movie is for all those patrons that really, really wanna see ballerinas suffer.  I cannot comment on the movie itself, but you know who the people who want to see it are.  Be warned.

Kids Are All Right

Kids Are All Right is up for Best Moving Picture, Dudette, and Words on Paper.  I have some idea about what this movie is about, but my mom really wants to see it sooooo..... Basically I really do not want to think about how I was conceived so I am skipping this one.  But the ladies will love it, I hear.

Winter's Bone

Winter's Bone is up for Best Moving Pictures, Dudette, Dude in Background and others.  If I wanted to watch a movie about a poor family in a bad way, I would look at your family albums.  Burrrrrnnnnnnn!  Kidding, I am sure you never had to beg for food.  

Honorable Mentions, AKA also got awards but were not good enough for best moving picture:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:  Like Toy Story 3, get lots of copies cause they are gonna get wrecked.  Broken, not drunk you frat boys.

Iron Man 2:  Is popular enough to already have 1,000 circulations.

Salt:  It has Angelina Jolie kicking ass.  

How to Train Your Dragon:  Not as good without the 3D, but the kids, man.  Do it for the kids.