5 Vices in the Library to Give Up for Lent

Happy Fat Tuesday, every body!  I am not a practicing anything (maybe pastafarian), but even I can see the reason for the season.  Mardi Gras, the end of which is tonight on Fat Tuesday, is a time for celebration and indulgence where we enjoy life to its fullest and celebrate our continued existence.  Lent is all about sacrifice, putting behind those celebratory feelings and getting a little perspective.  So when you go out and get wildly plastered on wine coolers tonight, remember that tomorrow and the next 39 days (or until Easter, personal time tables aside) are all about atoning and thinking about what you could give up.  With that in mind, I give you 5 Vices in the Library to Give Up for Lent:


Special Note:  Most workplaces, including libraries, have rules against booze and handguns on the premises.  I am not going to talk about such mundane vices because, well, you are really not supposed to do that anyway.  Also, breaks and lunches are often state mandated, so you do not get those either.


1. Snacks

Put'em down, Jimmy

Oh, how we love a soft drink or bag of chips on break or at lunch.  Chomping down on that sugary, fatty goodness is sometimes the only relief we have in a day.  But think of what it would mean to give that up.  To spend your break sitting quietly reading without Jimmy from IT chomping down on a Dorito three feet away.  Heaven.

2.  Social Networks and Blogs

I'm your friend...

Most libraries have rules about how their workers use the computers, but come on, most of you are reading this right now at work, am I right?  That's okay, like the snacks this little pitstop can refuel you to go out and deal with that guy who has made 32 copies of his hand and wants his money back.  Giving up all the Twitters, Facebooks, and blogs will give you a little more productivity, though.  Plus, you can always read us on your break instead of getting down with a bag of chips.

3.  Cellphone

Seductress, you are...

Again, jobs really do not like it when you use your cell at work.  Again, most of you have it with you right now, though, huh?  The gentle vibrate of a text or notice in your pocket comforts you, makes you aware that, "hey, you're not alone."  Well, lock that thing in your desk while you are on the clock.  All your "followers" and "friends" can wait, and if they can not, go old school and have them call the library.

4.  Chairs

Not for library attire.

Give up your chair when you are at work.  One of the greatest pieces of advice for constructing a library I ever heard was "Make every desk chest high."  When people are standing, they are more likely to be active and helpful.  Yes, your feet will hurt at the end of the day.  I apologize if your shoes do that to you.  Possibly, it is time to get better shoes for working in.  Plus, they make some real stylish walkin shoes, I hear.

Ambrosia

5.  Coffee
Now is the time for a real sense of sacrifice.  Possibly to others.  Coffee, that sweet nectar of the gods, Mr. C, all that is great about the morning.  Give it up.  Cold.  More than anything else on this list coffee should show people that you are serious about what you will and will not sacrifice in your life.  If you can do this, you are a stronger soul than most, a divine one.  Go to it, you golden god.

Now, for those of you sitting in comfy chairs sipping a cup of joe, munching on biscotti and reading this on your iphone, for shame.  You have much to atone for and should start from the bottom up.

Beware Librarians Bearing Gifts

As this is the season of giving, we must remember one important fact: The office secret Santa swap is fast approaching.

"I'm coming to get you, Barbara from reference."

Here are a few gender neutral tips for buying in different departments of the library.

Circulation Department
The circulation department sees thousands of books a day, often cherry picking the best new and old items as they move through the building.  The best place to shop for them is the book sale.  This hive of scum and villainy is the only place to find an item that these vultures have not seen before.

Look down low for the wookie books.

Reference Department
One would first think about many things for reference: a new phone cradle, a hand-decorated post-it dispenser, or a box of mints for Steve's raging halitosis.  Nope, these are horrible gifts as they remind them of their patrons. Find something randomly from the lost and found, cover it in newspaper, and leave it in their locker.  They will thank you for not questioning them.

You don't even have to identify it.

Processing/ ILL Department

This department is much like circulation, except they are much more on a grander scale.  There is nothing they desire that they cannot receive, nothing possible they cannot track down.  Therefore, your gift is a simple one: look away.  When that box of new Harry Potters comes in already open; look away.  When the Twilight book catches fire in a freak laminating accident; look away.  When the Internet histories begin reporting searches for "questionable" ordering sites; Just.  Look.  Away.

Don't ask why this computer is so happy.

Administration
If your admin is anything like mine, they live on grants and that weird green tea.  They can afford way cooler stuff than you, so give them what they really need to thrive: tears of a broken para professional and the blood of the innocent MLIS student.

They even got a bucket for it.

Children's Department
More glitter, construction paper, or other craft stuff.  It is like crack for them.  Alternative gifts are more of the same, just make it shiny or colorful.  Go nuts with the craft materials, but do not make anything for them.  These are the professional crap makers, just give them the supplies and stay away.

Yeah, man, just give me one more button, I'll pay ya tomorrow.

IT Department
Just tell them it is the holidays and that they can go home.  This is sad, but they will appreciate someone telling them anything other than problems for once.

 

Jimmy, uh, time to... Jesus, man go home to your family.