7 Reasons Porn Should Be Allowed in the Library

Some unholy, disturbing things happen right in the public view.  I am not talking about beatings, murders, rapes, and riots either.  I am talking about the silent oddities and eccentricities that set off the Somebody Else's Problem Drive in our brains and allow us to turn away unscathed.  Two elderly pimps on a tandem bicycle, a man with a snake weaved into his weave, cats dressed as people, it never ends but it is part of everyday life.  Even in the smallest of towns there is always someone a little "touched in the head," as my grandmother used to say.  How come consensual sex is not part of this list (outside of New Orleans)?

Everybody does it.  It is literally why we are all here.  And like everything, some individuals fetishize it.  Some abuse it.  Some downright worship it.  Is this because it is still a taboo topic in modern society?  Is it because there are still laws on the books about "irregular" sex such as sodomy, oral and, well anything except the puritanical makin'-baby lovin' of the missionary position?  Are we backwards or is the system backwards or are we backwards because of the system?  I am not here to answer any of those questions.  I am here because of a debate that is now on simmer but could boil over at anytime: porn in the library.

Earlier this week, a lawsuit was filed against the Birmingham Public Library by one of its library assistants.  In the suit, the worker claims that administrators allegedly did nothing to stop the use of pornographic images and video on library computers by patrons.  I suppose displaying such material is against library policy and even state law.  This comes on the heels of the New York library allowing porn to be looked up on its own computers.  These are not isolated incidents, just a way of life in the world of public information.  Should we regulate what information people have access to, or just patron behavior as they access it?  I have "reported" on this kind of stuff before, but now I feel it is time to play devil's advocate.

What is the upside of porn in the library?  Well, I thought of seven reasons.  Check them out after the jump.

1.  1st Amendment

Allowing "Fixing the Cable" everywhere

Information should be free.  That is not just a chant for hackers and those weirdos online that like to download every season of "My Little Pony."  If information is freely spoken, then that information should be freely obtainable within copyright law.  Some will argue art and entertainment, vital news vs fluff news, but when it all comes down to it, it is information freely spoken.  Ideas, beliefs, man on woman on man on donkey action, whatever, are information that can be freely found online.  Denying information is wrong and is censorship, pure and simple.  This should not be "American," this should be a global truth.

2.  Identify the Creeps

Exhibit A.

What can a privacy screen show that a middle-aged man in sweatpants hanging around the children's department at noon not tell you?  Not much.  But all the weirdos do not look like Lester the Molester.  Some have ties, slacks, and a basic knowledge of hygiene.  If staff see pornography being viewed in a public library, they can file those people away in their brains.  The "normal" people can be silently filed away as potential problems simply by what they are viewing.  Remember, this is a public library.  What you are doing is not private and will allow others to make judgement on you.

3.  More Tame than Literature (and Better than Twilight)

For Kids!

Ever heard of an author named Zane?  This author makes Cinemax blush.  They are also fairly well written books that never fail to entertain.  I am only singling out her because she is one of many erotic authors that is present on library shelves across the nation.  Erotic, violent, and subversive fiction and nonfiction populate the shelves and are heavily checked out.  Even the Twilight series, a series for young adults, fetishizes lust and carnal desire in the absence of common interests and conversation.  One could argue that by reading these scenes and causing your own mind to come up with the emotions and visuals could be more damaging and changing than the dirtiest porn or the most violent video game.  I know several books that changed my life by introducing themes and emotions I would not otherwise had access to, let alone a quasi dialog with.  I love video games, but I really cannot think of one that caused that in me.  And as far as porn goes, it does not hide what it is.  Like Animal Planet, porn on the internet is often a documentary of two or more animals going at it with little story or need for investment by the viewer.

4.  Allow Staff to Concentrate on More Pressing Problems
Budget problems, patron disputes, lost materials, these are library problems.  Worrying about what people are accessing on the internet should not be.  If someone is reading a book, I do not care why.  I should not care why another person is online.  As I librarian, I have other concerns.  Will we be staffed tomorrow?  Is the HVAC system working in the middle of summer?  Are all the computers running correctly?  Do we have enough change in the money drawers?  Will the summer reading program be done before the book club gets here because we read the killer clown book this month and those old ladies can not take the shock?  If I know Lester the Molester is safe at a computer terminal, then that is one problem off my book for the day.  Every little bit helps.

5.  Healthy Alternative to Animal Mating Videos

Rule 34: Slash Fic for all occations

Imagine if you will, a normal library day.  A cry of a baby from the children's department.  A cough from the silent reading room.  The reek-reek-reek of receipt printers.  Then one of the staff calls me over to the computer lab.  A teenager, fourteen or so, has been causing problems in the lab.  Not loud.  Not talking back.  His parent signed the access form, so he is there with no recourse.  Nope, it was because he was viewing horses doin' it.  And doin' it well.  And urinating.  And a myriad of other acts that I did not know horses could do.  No people, because YouTube will not allow that.  Just horses.  Here's a link, spoilers: horses doin' it.  No choice but to let him continue because, well, that is not covered in the "doin' it" policy or the state indecency laws.  We all get curious when we are young, but come on.  Please do not let this be your child.  Porn is not that bad.

6.  Won't Have to Replace the Art and Exercise Materials So Often

National Pornographic

Walk into the public restroom or all the way in the back to that lonely quiet corner of the library.  What will you find there?  The Joy of Sex, Shape Magazine, and The Art of Drawing.  Like the National Geographic before them, these books and their ilk show boobies.  Those boobies make them a target for stealing, not returning, and hiding in the dark recesses of the library, so much so that some libraries make them request items.  If porn was freely available on the library computers, no one would even think of actually looking for the stuff.  Just Google it, am I right?

7.  WiFi Already Lost Us The Control
Look around your library.  How many smartphones, laptops, tablets and video game systems can you count?  I carry at least four WiFi-enabled, internet capable devices on me just cause that's what I have.  Our library's WiFi, like most libraries, requires no key to gain access to it.  Hell, even outside of libraries there are at least 10 WiFi spots within a two minute drive, and we are not even that big a city.  Now think about all that access, free and relatively unfiltered.  Someone is already used and/or using your library for porn.  Not just the bikini pics of girls in Cosmo, either, real-funky-cold-Medina porn.  So, sorry to tell you, libraries are already allowing access.  Even the most advanced filter can not catch everything.  It is okay if you do not see it, though, right?

Have something to say? Leave a comment or email at evan@bannedlibrary.com

6 Books You Should Totally Read Next Story Time

Summer reading has graced our presence once again.  As we reach the midway point, everyone is getting just a little bit tired, a little bit complacent with the whole ordeal.

So last year.

Kids are thinking, "Reading, woo hoo.  You mean if I read for six straight hours I can get one of those weird Chinese paper yo-yo's that break after a second?  Awesome."  Parents are thinking, "Can't you just make one more macaroni banana cozie so mama can farm her watermelons on Farmville?"  And librarians, well, we stopped thinking.  Autopilot has stuck in and we are all reflex, "Book there. Please stop run now.  Who want hear tale of cat and hat?"  The librarian brain also has a cool Russian accent.

I'll pause while you re-read that last bit and say, "Moose and squirrel," to get the accent right.

I say we spice up this whole affair with a couple of shocks to the system.  Something to get the parents saying, "You learned WHAT at the library!?"  You know, community service.  Hit the jump for the 6 Books You Should Totally Read Next Story Time.*

Summary

Yeah, this may be the least inspired choice due to its sudden popularity, but that's why we get it out of the way first.  In "Go the F(moon)k to Sleep," author Adam Mansbach tells his small child to slip into slumber land with rhyming vulgarity.  Hilarity ensues.

Why read this?  

This book does not talk down to children.  Hell, it talks right at them.  More books should give this message.  Other titles in the series could be grow with the children, including  "Money Does Not Belong in your A$$" "Stop Saying S@#t on the Internet" and "Don't F(moon)k the Neighborhood Boy In My House."

Summary

"Joined at Birth" is the life story of two children that... If you need the explanation then stop right here and go hit yourself over the head with a dictionary until your eyes bleed ink.

Why Read This?

This book totally teaches children that if there is a God (s)he is a sick mo-fo with way too much time on his hands.  It also illustrates that mankind will, when faced with diversity, stick our middle fingers into the heavens and live out our lives as long as we can.  Or as long as the antidepressants keep on truckin.

Summary

"It Hurts When I Poop!" is the thrilling story of a young man, a dinosaur with purple spots, and a raging hemorrhoid problem.  Together they learn six uses for Preparation H, why you should not brick up your bathroom, and how to love again.  I think.  The cover says it all.

Why read This?

Kids need to learn young that they are mortal.  My own father had the same type of conditioning toward me and my sister.  He called it "Poke Grandpa with a Stick."

Summary

"I Wish Daddy Didn't Drink So Much" is about a childish view of the effects of alcohol on an adult who worked all day to provide for his family and when he comes home from two jobs is so tired he falls asleep in the chair, beer in hand.

Why Read this?

Some children need to find out the hard way that alcohol is awesome, sometimes more awesome than they themselves may be.  I mean, I know like ten kids who were created by alcohol, but not one child that can brew me a keg.

Summary

"The House that Crack Built" is about a little Polynesian girl named Crack living in Chicago who inspires a community to build a house for her impoverished family by making everyone play "The Glad Game" in which they find the good in everything, even cocaine, naming the new substance "crack" after the awesomely happy little girl.  I think.  I stopped reading a while ago and am just going on pure instinct.  You go, you little minority Pollyanna!  Watch out for cars and stay happy!  Crack fo life!

why Read this?

Because anyone can build a house, but it takes a special little girl to build a house on drugs.  Kids need inspirational messages like that because drugs are cool and will get them accepted in college.  Start young, not smart.

Summary
FTW.  For.  The.  Win.  All the way.  The book is titled "The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories."  I do not care if this is for kids, it looks like it should be and that counts.  If you have the cajones to story time this bad boy, I bow to your librarian badassery.  Your book cart runneth over.

why read This?
Dude, LESBIAN HORSES!  I did not even know there were horse romance stories, much less homo... wait... is it still homosexual if it is a horse?  I guess so.  Eh, words.  Although "equusexual" sounds kinda... there is no real way to end that sentence without sounding weird.

It sounds nice.  There, now I am the weirdo for saying what we were all thinking.

Twitter me the word "#equusexual" if read all the way down to here.

*The author and website of this post assume you are not crazy and will not actually read any of these books at any event where children may be separated from their parents or a responsible adult.