How to Get Banned From a Library

Becoming banned is somewhat of an interesting notion.  Every day you read about video game accounts or blog commenters being banned for inappropriate usage or content.  Hell, Twitter even has a "block" button to just shut someone right the hell out of your online life.  But just as in every other area of life, the "real" world is harder to manage than the virtual.  Here are some ways you can be ejected from a library, based on real world examples.  Hint:  Disrupt library service to other patrons.

1.  Be all stinky.

Last year, Stuart Penman was banned from his local library after several complaints from patrons and staff about his odor.  Unlike others on this list, he will allowed back if his hygiene improved, but I could not find a follow-up, although I imagine the title of the article could be "Man Takes a Bath, Allowed to Stalk Ex on Facebook Again."  

2.  Show some dirty pics and (allegedly) punch a cop

Lawrence Delaney is a Selectman candidate banned from entering a library where a debate was being held. Why?  Because he showed staff dirty photos and created a disturbance at an earlier time.  He was known for his inappropriate behavior, at one point in an unrelated incident away from the library allegedly hitting a police officer.  Remember folks, you get a bad reputation after allegedly assaulting a police officer, even if you are 82 (did I not mention that?).  With that type of reputation, you may be misunderstood even if that Playmate is your granddaughter (it wasn't?).

3.  Go all Jesus on the place.

Caleb Hanson was banned from his library system for telling others about Jesus.  The sixteen year old would approach people as they entered the library and begin going all missionary on their asses.  While most libraries in general do not have a problem with religion and the speaking thereof, they do have a problem with blocking traffic and bothering people.  When Caleb was asked to stop bothering other patrons, he just kept on, so the library banned him for six months from checking out materials.  

4. Be all Jesus on the place

Photo supplied by Lord Jesus Christ via masslive.com
S/He's on the left.

 “I’m black, I’m transsexual and my name is Lord Jesus Christ."  'Nuff said. 

Actually, his name is Lord Jesus Christ III and he was banned for disruptive behavior from the Clapp Memorial Library.  I have no comment, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.  

Smells Like Teen Fiction!

Ever gotten off of work at the library and had to go to the grocery store?  I have.  I have to do it all the time.  And while you are there, trying to decided between a great bottle of cooking sherry, a six pack of rot gut, or a screw top bottle of wine made from kiwi, have you noticed people staring at you?  Did they follow you to the frozen foods isle and watched as you picked through the $1 pizzas or the hot pockets?  Ever wonder why?  Well, librarian, just like a chef or garbage man, you carried that bit of work with you: the smell.

Smell the awesome, like burnt popcorn and flop sweat.

Have you ever wanted to feel that special on your days off without rubbing yourself down with a used copy of the Da Vinci Code?  Now you can!  The website CB I Hate Perfume offers a library aroma called "In the Library."  Promising the rich scent of bound books, the perfume guarantees that you will never be able to leave the library.  So go out and get your bottle today, cause god only knows what they will come up with next.

"In the Library" by CBihateperfume

All kidding aside, I like the idea of this product.  The sense of smell is one of the best triggers for memory.  Add the smell of a book to a great piece of knowledge and you retain a tactile bit of that knowledge.  Also, I love the smell of new books and old books, the glue, binding and paper all just seem more there to me, filling me with the hours of joy that I have had in the company of books.  I do not think I would like to desensitize myself to that odor by splashing it on me, though.  Anyway, fun idea for a product.