Ask a Crazy Librarian: How Many Licks Does it Take?

Question:  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a sucker/lollipop?

I'm Gonna Get You Sucka!

Answer:  According to the Food and Drug Administration, the Environmental Protection Agency, NAMBLA, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation, I am completely wasting their time asking this question.  Well, NAMBLA seemed to care for a second, but the North American Miners Bowling League Association just did not seem like a credible source.  So I am forced to pursue other avenues.

Wise Old Owl

The first place I went looking for answers was to the wise old owl that lives in my tree.

Owl intelligence increases when you put an arrow on his head and wires in his eyeballs.

I started by asking him straight out, but he did not seem to give a hoot.  Then I threw the sucker at him.  It hit him in the wing.  He let out an ungodly screech that pierced the night and, I dare say, my very soul.  I dove toward my sucker, plucking it from the ground.  When I looked up, his eyes bore into me, burning my core.  I ran into the night.

My Grandpa

Next, I went and asked my grandpa, cause he really liked sweets when he was alive.

Grandma said grandpa is the little one!

He did not say much.

Yahoo Answers

Just after I posted my query to Yahoo Answers, I was given the immediate answer of "First!" I assume that means that it only takes one lick, but without verifiable evidence I doubt suckerman69's answer.

Tootsie.com

Because the Tootsie Roll company first posed this question about their famous "roll pop," I decided to pay their website a visit.  Low and behold an answer that made sense was found!  It seems such prestigious institutions such as Purdue University, University of Michigan, and Swarthmore Junior High School have conducted independent studies with inconclusive results stemming from wildly varied results. This is after Purdue and UM used machines and SJHS just started licking. Real science, people.  Check it out here.

Forget Hogwarts! Take the train to the school that licks!

Conclusion
I have found that suckers make owls mad, dead men not talk, Yahoo Answers suck, and junior high schools compete with universities if the stakes are high enough. I also learned that we as a country should just enjoy our suckers and stop questioning them.

Images:

Headstone pic here

Owl pic here

Purdue pic here

Sucker pic here

Silent Rave in The 'Brary

Funny video of a Silent Rave.  Dance Party!!!!

Fresno Books Trashed, Patrons Not

Dramatic Representation

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an article about OBGYN (Overblown Bullshit that Gets on Your Nerves).  Then I waited.  It only took a week, but I found a news article to illustrate the point.  In Fresno, Ca, residents are pissed  because the library is throwing away thousands of useless books.  After taking pictures of a dumpster teaming with items, residents flew to the news places and cried out.  Now there will be a board meeting or hearing or something.  Bastards.  That's like saying, "Holy shit! The hospital is tossing out all those needles that could be used elsewhere!"  An outdated, poorly written book can be as dangerous as a dirty needle.

On a side note, I would kinda like a holiday book burning party.  Take all the weeded, unsellable books from the past year, throw'em on a pyre and drink some punch.  Good times.

Here's the original story.

Image from here

What Do You Think Google's Gonna Do Tomorrow Night, Pinky?

So, earlier in history Google unveiled a new trending tool.  But we have already seen this one, you say.  No, no, silly one.  That was for the Internetz.  This one is for the bookz.  Yep, using their newly released catalog of ebooks, they trended every word and phrase for the last 90 years or so.

Why should we care about this?  Well, this will help people who care about how ideas are exchanged and move through our society care even more about that.  What it will help crazy people do is create more crazy theories.  Like my idea about the correlation of the popularity of cheese, pirates, and bears.  Yep.  Confirmed!

Books Ngram Viewer


Here's a real article about it

End of Days Upon Us: Oprah's Bookclub Sells "Less than Expected"

Biblical scholars the world over are searching texts for mention of this, the first sign of the apacolypse: Oprah's Charles Dickens book selections have not sold well. As it states in the book of Golashes: "Oh, there will be a day wince the mighty list from the great provider will be turned asunder, and the Earth shall weep and the people will have the dickens scared from their breast."  See! It's all there people! Just cause you snubbed Tale of Two Cities and Great Expectations! Oh, the poop is really gonna hit the fan now! Next month, when O magazine reveals someone other than Oprah on the cover, you will see! The signs are there!



Check here for the full story

Image Credit: Daniel Boczarski/FilmMagic.com; London Stereoscopic Company/Getty Images

Reach Out and Google a Library

Like most people, I use the Google search engine for just about all of my web searching.  This has gotten so dumb, I found myself typing my own website address into the google search bar to get to it.  That is not even how I log in.

Shit, how do I spell my own name?

 Well, I got to thinking, how does Google, and by extension the world, view libraries? Why is it important to look at Google's results from the "library" search term?  Because Google's results are the popular results, the collection of human interest and knowledge.  The results reflect what people think about a word by presenting the most popular choice.  In essence, what the collective choose as the idea becomes the what the word means.  Or the rich pay to be at the top.  However cynical you choose to be.  At least I did not use Yahoo.

The following is my totally non-scientific, non-bibliographic, and nearly non-pornographic findings about what happens when you type "library" into the search bar.

1. Web

The first 10 findings under the web search are your basic hits.  There are physical addresses for local libraries, internet addresses for Internet Public Library and publiclibraries.com as well as large library websites, such as the New York Public Library.  Two things here bother me. First, no porn sites.  There was a time when a Google search on "paper clips" would get you at least three hits on the porn site whitehouse.com.

History for that joke:  whitehouse.com was once a porn site.  whitehouse.gov has always been the real site.

 The second is one of the highest hits on any Google search:  Wikipedia.  I will spend more time on Wikipedia later, but for now I will say it saddens me that one of the top three sites on a search about an information institution is an untrustworthy information site.  That is... well, that is what whitehouse.com was to whitehouse.gov:  a mockery of the institution.

2.  Images
Google image search of "library" fills me with pride, sadness, and a little regret.  Here's the first image I found:

I do not want to get to serious on this site, Banned Library takes no real stance on any subject.  We make dick jokes about most library subjects, in fact.  Looking at all these pictures, though, I am seeing the public perception of the library while I live in the crappy reality.  Take a look at these pictures.   Count how many computers you see.  I saw about 5 images with computers within the first 5 pages.  Out of around 125 images from across the Internet, most showed shelves and books and people reading to shelves and books.  For the most part, these images were of stately manner libraries, with columns and shit.  Look around your library and listen to your patrons.  Hell, I am doing this whole thing about a Google search.  Computers, ebooks, all that crap, are libraries now.  These grand institutions have already given away to Internet cafes, yet the public at large seems to have an alternate image in their minds.  And yes, I know people like pretty things and that there are gorgeous libraries out there.  There are also 15,000 item collections in fucking mobile homes and the patrons still demand wifi access.  But I digress.

3. Videos
Here's Mr. Bean in a library:



4.  News
Google News search is actually a pretty good source of news.  I have gotten several of the articles on this site from there.  However, library news is often pretty boring and repetitive.  No, I do not think the library director who stole all that money is interesting.  If she worked in a bank it would not hit the library radar.  The same goes for the book sales, hirings, firings and budget crisis.  I am not saying that those are not worthwhile and meaningful topics, especially when taken in scope and context, but they make for boring news individually.  Of course, right in the middle of writing this, I find the Mysterious Case of the Urine.

5.  Shopping
Why include shopping?  It tickles me.  Check out this great deal on a book case!

3 Shelf Storage Shelves Cabinet Bookcase Bookshelf Bookshelves- Light Cherry Finish

Harvard Books Peed on by Accident, not Hate

So, a couple of days ago at the Lamont Library at Harvard U., an employee was skipping willy nilly through the stacks when he/she knocked a bottle of urine off the shelf and onto some books.  Happens every day.

Especially in the Lamont Library Cafe

These books just happened to be about/featuring/all-up-on gay and lesbian topics.  So, because the library staff can not say, "We do not pee on books on purpose, for any reason, and we try not to let our patrons/cats do so, what do you think we are, a public library?" people started whispering, chanting, and writing that it was a hate crime against gays.  The campus has been the center of at least two hate crimes against the LGBT community, so I guess it is not so much a stretch.  Finally, yesterday the truth came out:  the jar of urine was not filled with hate, just with urine.  I guess they are into that kinda thing.

I really want to know why it took so long to say, "Hey, not a hate crime."  Approximately 40 books were damaged, which means there was a lot of pee flying about.  In my library, thats about a shelf of books, two if Brenda shelves them.  Was there not an employee covered in pee somewhere in this equation?  I suppose he/she went home to change, but still, who did not notice Jamie covered in pee at some point and thought to speak up?  

Here's the original article, and the update.

Photo from Lamont Library Cafe, which I am sure is urine free.