News! We're Gonna Live Forever! We're Gonna Learn How to Fly!

San Francisco Library might extend their hours.  When asked, library directors said "To hell with 60 minutes, we can do the same level of service with 75 minute hours."  The board of directors dodged questions pertaining to salary increases to hourly workers.

UW libraries say the bedbugs have flea-ed.  Get it?  Fleas?  It's a Chili Peppers reference!  Whatever, you people aren't cool.  Goddamn bedbugs.

In a staggering feat of reporting, the Chicago Tribune says the Niles Public Library is getting a $5.5 million dollar renovation for "study and meeting space, use technology to check in and keep track of books and improve energy efficiency."  Fucking technology.  What will they think of next?

Arlington librarian will dress as dog if people do not sign up for library cards.  City residents said, "we can make that happen."

Guys, the Emmet O'Neal Library book sale dates have been released!  Wine and cheese will be served and the shit is gonna be tight.  Pack a bag, motherfuckers!

Controversial drawing in Newark Library uncovered from the zebra print cloth that had been draping it.  The drawing, depicting controversial racial and sexual tones was found to be better than a giant zebra print cloth.

COLUMBUS LIBRARY TO PURCHASE DEAF SCHOOL.

Huntington Beach homeless organization has 60 days to leave library.  The organization thinks it has a brother with a couch he can sleep on.

Two books banned from Denver middle school after student gets hold of them.  Cause, yeah, shit, we can not have the kids reading books that would challenge and broaden their minds.  Let's just pretend bad things do not happen and everything is supposed to be okay and nobody will freak out when they realize the world is a scary and frighting place rather than the candy coated dreamland you want them to think it is.

Buy some Kellog's and Scholastic will give you cheap ass books. Here's how you do it:

1. Go to the grocery store
2. Get any two Kellog's products
3. Tear off the proof of purchase right there in the aisle.
4. Put them in your pocket and attempt to hide the items on the shelf.  Make sure Dave does not see you.
5. Buy some grapes and a hot pocket, the food of the innocent.
6. On your way out, wave the proofs of purchase in the air and yell, "I'm gonna be rich"
7. Run from security.
8. Go to the library to throw off the cops trail.
9. Access the public access computers.
10. Yell at the librarian when he/she can not remember your password.
11. Show the librarian your proof of purchases and your grapes.
12. Eat grapes in computer lab.  Spit seeds behind computer for the computers nutrition.
13. Tape the proofs of purchase to the computer screen.
14. Eat the hot pocket cold.  Leave wrapper and heat sleeve under computer table as compost.
15. Take the "spacebar" key off the keyboard and tape it to the monitor.
16. Proclaim "fuck this," make a lewd comment to the librarian (male or female) and go home.
17. Watch something about housewives and sleep fat dumb sleep.

(The Banned Library does not recommend you do any of the above.)

News, It's What's For Brunch.

Can we stop using the "last chapter" statement when something in a library closes? Bookstore in Las Cruces library closes.

The Brooklyn Public Library is threatening to close Carnegie Buildings, reopening buildings after Sandy repairs, and gonna modernize.  I'm down, I'm up, I'm whatever... Congradusorry?

Ann Arundel library system being sued for racial discrimination.  No joke here because I watched The Wire and Baltimore scares the shit out of me.

The George W. Bush Library and Museum is receiving materials for its collection.  Insert recycled Crayola collection and vacation pamphlet joke here.

The Iowa City Public Library has banned sleeping.  Along with eating and defecating, the library plans on being devoid of life by 2014.

The Huntington Library is receiving 1.6 million in stocks from a man named Munger who is obviously hiding the fact that he is a super villain. Think about it. His name is Munger.

GOP Congressman Walter Jones warns that Muslim culture library books threaten both him and his bright and sunny Jesus.  Jesus was unavailable for comment but his assistant said he would be back in three days.

The Friends of Forks Library, the library not seen in the famous Twilight books, has received a $100 donation to fix the Forks Library roof.  The money will be used to buy a cartoonishly large umbrella.

The Chicago Public Library has unveiled a portrait by artist Steve Musgrave of The Audacity of Hope author Barack Obama.  Good luck getting people to come see that when those book sales go down.

Chicago Fires Library Custodians

A controversial $99 million janitorial contract has lead to fifty-four custodians charged with cleaning Chicago Public libraries getting their walking papers, effective Friday.

This is a city wide controversy, but think about the implications for a moment.  Sure, this effects some pretty large parts of Chicago life, like O'Hare airport, but to take away janitors from the library?  That's like taking away the Rosy the Robot from the Jetsons!  Sure, the show can limp along and George can take care of his own damn self for a hot minute, but sooner or later he's gonna wake up, find he can't get out of bed and start jumping off the platform into the dark abyss into whatever lays beneath those sky houses.

Yep, I just put suicide into the Jetson's universe.  Good luck not talking about that today.  That planet would make the Golden Gate Bridge look like a trampoline.

City lays off library custodians - Chicago Sun-Times:

CBS2 Chicago

City lays off library custodians Chicago Sun-Times City library custodians are laid off at the City of Chicago Department of Fleet and Facility Management on Friday, November 30, 2012. Secretary of Treasury Matt Brandon, who represents all public employees, confirms that over 50 workers will be laid ... Chicago Library Janitors Laid OffCBS2 Chicago all 3 news articles »

Not So Sexy Library Peoples

Okay, let's point out how fun it can be to work in a library by turning a flashlight on two wonderful patrons:

An on-duty firefighter caught a Cambridge, Mass man looking at porn and masturbating in the Waterton Public Library.  The firefighter was in the fire station and just happened to look through his window and noticed the man in the library that is adjacent to the library.  He called the police and the man was charaged with open and gross lewdness.  bostonchannel.com

In Chicago's Northside library, a man was reported with looking at child pornography within the library.  Now, mostly he was looking at pornographic video games and cartoons, so maybe the pornography was meant to be for children instead of of children...  I dunno and do not want to speculate.  chicagotribune.com

So, forward that to your friends that think working at a library would be a cushy job.  Welcome to public service.

Shouting for a Library!

Apparently the Chicago area really likes their buildings to become useful. 

"A group of Chicago parents and community members have staged a round-the-clock sit-in at a field house adjacent to Whittier Elementary School in Pilsen, demanding that the dilapidated building be turned into a school library." -- School Library Journal (Link to full article)

Leading with chants that "[They] want a library" I have to wonder if they know what they are getting into.  Do they know that if their plans succeed, this will be the last time they are able to shout in that area?  Can they handle that? 

Either way, I applaud them.  Not many people sit down and shout for what they believe in.  Doubly so when that cause is libraries.  Bravo, Chicago!