Helping someone on a computer who is not familiar with the Internetz and all its glory is daunting. From basic
copying and pasting to navigating the land mines of garbage out there, patrons without much experience are almost doomed to fail. Here is where we come in. Librarians, physical search engines and masters of PEBKAC*, must help our patrons the best we can.
After the jump are the most common patrons that I know of and how to deal with them.
1. Entry Level: We can help you set up an email, first put the mouse back on the table.
Your entry level computer user will have no idea how to do things you take for granted, such as navigating the GUI**. He or she will not understand how the mouse works and honestly, does not need to. Simply explain what it does and have them play with it. Best practice when working with entry level users is to not do the work for them. Tell them what to click and what the clicks mean. Tell them what to type and why they are typing there. Do not do the typing and clicking for them. The best way for computer users to learn is to simply do the work. They will get better, just keep encouraging them and telling them that everyone makes these mistakes at first. The worst thing you can say is "You are not doing that right." This is a computer, no one does it right.
2. Wikihounds:
I am sorry, but just because Wikipedia claims Obama is Canadian today does not make it so.The next person up is the almost competent "Wikihound". This person has just enough knowledge to be a danger to himself. The Wikihound is the person that came up with the idea of "Just Google It." He or she finds information from sources when only the best will do. When researching a paper on ancient Roman mythology, the Wikihound flies right by the ".edu" sites and copies and pastes the entirety of
www.ancientromekicksass.com. Beware this user as he or she will attempt to help other patrons. The best way to handle these users is to explain to them how Wikipedia works and use the word "plagarism" a lot. Other than that, not much anyone can do.
3. Job Searchers: I guess your tractor experience would help you get into flight school.
The Job Searcher could be either an Entry Level or a Wikihound. The Entry Level Job Searcher takes tender care, as he or she will have endless questions often pertaining to delicate information you may not wish to be priviy to, such as references and other personal information. The Wikihound will simply search the wrong sources and become lost in a quagmire of websites charging for resumes and others that ask for social security numbers. The best way to help these people is to give them books on the subject and steer them toward simple websites that will guide them through the process. In this economic times, treat these patrons with kid gloves as their need is one of the strongest.
4. Unsocial Networker: I do not know why your daughter does not join your "I love Great Danes" group.
Now we begin to delve into the horror of patron assistance. Behold as we attempt to help those that take your time simply because you offer it. The first is the Unsocial Networker. The next step past Entry Level. Most issues with social networks are easy to solve, how to upload a picture or how to "invite" someone. The Unsocial Networker will attempt to drag you into his or her personal issues, asking why someone has not replied to an email or why no one cares that Fluffy, the family Great Dane, is sick with a broken heart. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do with this patron besides listen. That is probably all they need anyway.
5. The Unsocial Gamer: I am sorry, but I cannot join your Farmville.
Beyond the Unsocial Networker is the Unsocial Gamer. Fighting to keep their crops growing at all costs, these patrons will monopolize computer time until they grow into the chair. Most problems exist when they have not finished running through all their games before time is up. A subset is the poker player, who often has money riding on his terrible, terrible hands. The Unsocial Gamer will stay until the librarian pulls the plug on the machine. I recommend doing that.
6. Unwary Public: Probably not the best idea to read your SSN into your cell in the computer lab.
The Unwary Public are often not aware they are in public at all. They will use public computers for every unsecured, dangerous and stupid task in the world. Not only will they use the public computers with wild abandon, they will say aloud passwords, PIN numbers and even Social Security Numbers as they type or, more often, talk to tech support on their cell phones. The public library should be an identity thief's favorite hangout spot. Again, there is no real way to protect people from themselves besides warning them of the dangers.
7. Quizzeteers: I am not sure why it says you should be in Slytherin, you are obviously a Griffindor.
While not the most obvious computer lab patron, the Quizzeteer can be multitude of things. He or she could ask you ten times in a row how to find contact information on the same website within an hour. They could ask you how to bold something when you just showed them. They could also be crazy and sit doing Internet quizzes over and over again. Fun to hang out with if you want to know what kind of ninja you would be (Hint: Silent but Deadly.) but soon the questions would just come right back out.
8. Target Demographic: They want your money. All of it.
Yet another aspect of the Entry Level is the Target Demographic. This is not the same as "white she-male, age 12-92." No, the Target Demo for Internet ads is generally, "dumb enough, able to click on flashy flashy advertisement." These are the people who sit in casinos all day feeding machines nickels waiting for the big pay out. Poor, naive souls that believe anything the flashing lights tell them, without contemplation of where the message is coming from. The message is They want your money, all of it.
In conclusion, computer lab patrons work like the brakes on your car: when they are good you do not notice them, but when they are not you will crash into a tree that was hanging over the overpass and get run over by a train. A big train. Called Interwebs. Super highway. Enjoy some Tom Cochrane.
*"Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair" also known as an "ID-10T error"
**"Graphic User Interface" Using a mouse to click on stuff on a screen.
Google+ announced this week that not only can you beg your friends to join the new social network service, but you can play games and share books with them while they are not there (yet). 
How do you really mess with not just poor people but old people, too? Try to fundamentally change anything. How do you do that more effectively? Change the taxes. Hooooeeeeleeeeee Sheeeeeet! This is the best tax season ever!