Beware Librarians Bearing Gifts

As this is the season of giving, we must remember one important fact: The office secret Santa swap is fast approaching.

"I'm coming to get you, Barbara from reference."

Here are a few gender neutral tips for buying in different departments of the library.

Circulation Department
The circulation department sees thousands of books a day, often cherry picking the best new and old items as they move through the building.  The best place to shop for them is the book sale.  This hive of scum and villainy is the only place to find an item that these vultures have not seen before.

Look down low for the wookie books.

Reference Department
One would first think about many things for reference: a new phone cradle, a hand-decorated post-it dispenser, or a box of mints for Steve's raging halitosis.  Nope, these are horrible gifts as they remind them of their patrons. Find something randomly from the lost and found, cover it in newspaper, and leave it in their locker.  They will thank you for not questioning them.

You don't even have to identify it.

Processing/ ILL Department

This department is much like circulation, except they are much more on a grander scale.  There is nothing they desire that they cannot receive, nothing possible they cannot track down.  Therefore, your gift is a simple one: look away.  When that box of new Harry Potters comes in already open; look away.  When the Twilight book catches fire in a freak laminating accident; look away.  When the Internet histories begin reporting searches for "questionable" ordering sites; Just.  Look.  Away.

Don't ask why this computer is so happy.

Administration
If your admin is anything like mine, they live on grants and that weird green tea.  They can afford way cooler stuff than you, so give them what they really need to thrive: tears of a broken para professional and the blood of the innocent MLIS student.

They even got a bucket for it.

Children's Department
More glitter, construction paper, or other craft stuff.  It is like crack for them.  Alternative gifts are more of the same, just make it shiny or colorful.  Go nuts with the craft materials, but do not make anything for them.  These are the professional crap makers, just give them the supplies and stay away.

Yeah, man, just give me one more button, I'll pay ya tomorrow.

IT Department
Just tell them it is the holidays and that they can go home.  This is sad, but they will appreciate someone telling them anything other than problems for once.

 

Jimmy, uh, time to... Jesus, man go home to your family.

Beasts of Burden: Animals in the Library

Ever wonder what it would be like to hear the pitter patter of little feet being chased by some unholy abomination for which your library is legally and morally responsible? 

Except mice.  Every library has those, even if you don't know, you do.

Well, if you are having trouble deciding what creature can't get a library card but is okay to expose itself in your stacks, look no further.  Here are the six best animals to have in your library:

6.  Snakes.  Dude, snakes are cool!  Harry Potter talks to them, so they must be okay, right?   Plus you can feed them live things, like mice and koala bears.  They are also good pest control.  Just do not feed them and let them go at night.  They may even take out some of those transients that keep hiding in the bathrooms after hours. 

No caption needed.

5.  Iguanas.  Could you not imagine the comic sitcom senerio?  We could call it "Librarian and the Iguana" and the opening sequeince would be Rachel Lee Cook pulling a book from the shelf to reveal... Iggy the Iguana!  Set that to a pop synth choir soundtrack and buy a rake for all the money.

Note:  Iguana in photo is not Iggy.

4.  Dogs.  Are the patrons not filling the quota for beggin and sniffing other patrons?  Do you need a quiet work horse and protector?  Try a dog.  Imagine how exciting shelving will be with a team of sled dogs carreening down the stacks with Brenda from circulation cracking that whip as she often does.  Mush!

Brenda likes to make'em little booties.

3.  Fish.  How cool would it be to have a shark tank in the library!?  Or a school of trained piranah that could catalog?  The posibilities are endless.  Sure, you could have some boring aquarium of angel fish, or a dopey coy pond, but how many visitors would you get if you had them cross a shakey bridge just inches over a horrible fishy death to reach that new Stephen King novel? 

You want that new Thomas the Tank Engine?  Work for it!

2.  Cats. 

A little kitty poking out of the shelves to grab a patron.  How cute is that perfectly average scenerio? 

How about that lion sitting on the steps of the New York Public Library?  What a symbol of power and strength? 

Now imagine the smell.  Yep, all pee, all the time.  I like cats and I like New York, but keep them away from my books.

1.  Muppets! 

Nuff said.

Editorial Note:  We here a Banned Library from time to time allow our patrons to write articles.  This article was written by John "Stinky Pete" Smithdersonenton, a rather eccentric but well meaning soul.  Plus, he is rich.  Like crazy, giraffe-having, carries-bags-with-dollar-signs-to-the-bank, won't-tell-us-his-real-name kinda rich.  We just collect the $100 bills he blows his nose with and let him write.

One More Librarian Gift Card to Choose From

For those of you not in the know, Google launched its ebookstore yesterday to, well, I guess it had acclaim.  Most everybody I know was all, "Sweet, brah."  And I was all, "Cha" cause my friends and I went to the Keanu Reeves School of Linguistics.  What?  Too soon?  Anyway, I am now taking bets on Google getting into the lucrative "ehand sanatizer" market that will soon sweep the library nation.

Check out the bookstore here.

Pimp-ass image from World News Insight.

I'm Listening to Tales from Library Land

I do not know how many folks out there listen to me, but those who do, listen up!  There's this bitchy librarian out there that put me up on her site and it got me some traffic, so I am paying it forward.

Check out Tales from Library Land (or TLL if ya feeling saucy and/or lazy, or sazy as i call it) over at wordpress.  You won't be sorry!

Here's a funny video that has little to nothing to do with TLL (yeah, I'm sazy)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Motivating the Staff: Sugar, Spice, & Flamethrowers

Too often in the library the staff becomes complacent.  Either because of repetition or plain boredom, they begin to give off that not so fresh feeling to the administration and to the public at large.

Not so fresh staff smell like not so fresh oranges, tangy yet mangy.

 Here are a few things you can do uplift your staff:

Bring in Treats

The oldest of work bribery tools is food.  Unfortunately, you must disguise this blatant attempt at bribery lest the staff become entitled.  You yourself may be come indoctrinated to the idea of a “Taco Tuesday” or a “French Toast Friday.”  But hold strong!  This is a reward system not a policy change.  Making rewards a regular thing can turn “Marzipan Monday” in to just “Monday” again.

Marzipan Monday is like two pigs kissing, fulfillingly awesome.

Spice it up

Food is often not enough.  Sometimes you have to bring a little more into the library.  Start with roleplaying.  Pretend you are a naughty patron and the staff needs to punish you and deny you services.  Toys can be fun as well, especially when choosing whose turn it is at specific task.  Special dice can be used.  Or, if you like, learn complex arrangements to shelve to from books like the Cutter Sutra and 30 Positions to Please Your Patrons.  Remember to stretch before and after to stay limber and reduce cramps.

These books know the value of the Cutter Sutra.  Oh yeah.

Strike Fear in Their Hearts

Much like prison, the library can be a trying place.  Also like prison, you often have to shank someone to show them whose boss.  The best way to make a shank is by taking a ballpoint pen and melting it into a hard point.  Then, while it is still hot, stab them just below the rib cage near the back or under the arms.  Make sure to get at least three good thrusts, then walk away, dropping the shank. 

Or leave the shank in.

Next month, submit an article in the newsletter praising the assaulted staff member, but place in “except that time he stepped out and I had to shank him,” to show everyone you mean business.

Burn the Mother Down

Sometimes good help really is too hard to find.  That’s when you need to start over.  Call a staff day and close the library.  Then prepare by filling a single room with barrels of gasoline. Next, tell everyone there will be waffles in the morning in the gasoline room.  But do not call it the “gasoline room.”  That is crazy.  If they ask about the barrels, tell them they get them for free.  If they ask about the waffles, light them on fire.  Teach them to be greedy gas guzzlers.

This guy knows the value of gasoline.

Da Vinci's Ancient Spam Recipe Possibly Found

A script of writing believed to be Leonardo Da Vinci's was found in Nantes, France.  The message, written in Leonardo's usual backward mirror style, is now being decoded, but we all know what it says.  First, it is going to drone on and on about some girl named Lisa who dumped him cause he was not funny.  Then he is going explain how he really thought that flying machine would work and not kill another assistant.  Next he will talk about helping the assassins fulfill their creed before finally finishing up with a really kick ass recipe for spam.  Yep, big spam lover, old Leo was.  Ate it on crackers.  If you look close, he painted it in the Last Supper.  It may look like bread, but that's my mamma's spam loaf if I ever saw it.

Click here to get the real scoop

5 Stages of OBGYN

A chipper young librarian opens the doors for the day.  One hour into a six hour reference shift, the librarian begins getting calls, first from the local news paper, next from the public at large.  Then the director calls for a hushed meeting of the professionals while a large crowd forms outside the building.  What has happened?  Well, chipper young librarian, you are about to get a lesson in "Overblown Bullshit that Gets on Your Nerves" or OBGYN.

This is a walk in the park compared to OBGYN.

OBGYN is a situation where a member or members of the public or media have targeted and institution like a library and demonize an otherwise ordinary practice. At the beginning of an infant career, the young chipper librarian will go through the five stages of OBGYN.

Stage 1:  It's Fine.
The young chipper librarian will immediately try to deny the allegation and comfort the offended party.  This stems from the librarian's still naive belief that the library and its staff are infallible.  The librarian will deny the issue at all cost.  Responses like "It's supposed to be like that" and "Don't worry, its not the size of the book, but the diction in the fiction" are common.

You said it was a good size!

Stage 2:  It's Not Fair!
The young chipper librarian will become angry if startled with little details like "facts" and "figures."  Somewhere deep in the lizard librarian brain lies a truth that everything anyone says at first is bullshit.  The instinct to begin reference interview is suppressed as red rage floods in and the young chipper librarian cries out like a bitch, possibly injuring others.

Librarian rage

Stage 3:  Just Let It Be Over...
The young chipper librarian will  begin the process of bartering with the OBGYN.  As if attempting to trade with a demonic entity was not bad enough, the librarian will believe so much in this system that when the trade does not work, they break down once more, often publicly.  Most professional and some very personal items are put on the block, such as first in line for new releases, free ILL's, and first born and/or virginity.

I just wanted the graphic novels updated, but okay!

Stage 4:  It's Doomed!
The young chipper librarian implodes.  A crying mess in the corner, bundled in the fetal position and moaning about how nothing is real, this librarian is no more.  No comfort can be found, nor should it.  This is the make or break time.  Pull through this and the young chipper librarian will have the stripes to be an old jaded librarian.

I eat title pages and crap MARC records.

Stage 5:  It's On!
Old jaded librarian feels no pain, knows no fear, and has it on good authority that OBGYN is full of shit.  This librarian continues because to worry about one OBGYN is to ignore thousands of legit problems.  While some will experience amnesia and revert several times back to the young chipper librarian, all true librarians soon grow thick skin and are hunted for their pelts.

This bison has been serving the public for 60+ years.