Dinkytown Changes, A Library Burns, and Other Newsy News

Hershey Library turns 100.  Chocolate joke.  Possibly with dark...

Caroline Kennedy in Seattle told libraries they are special.  Our hearts grew 10 times.

Curious what happens when a book is overdue.  This Maine investigative report finds out.  Hint: Librarians won't be surprised.

Area librarian retires so the newspaper breaks out the "closing the book" line.

Dinkytown Library is planning some remodeling.  Let's all pretend I'm not sharing this because it's called "Dinkytown."

Islamist Rebels Burn Timbuktu Library.  Historic manuscripts are burned.  This hurts my heart.

San Francisco library gets into puppy shit business because of lack of training paper. I am so not kidding.

Newark school librarian to be retried in decade old sex scandal case.

The New York Public Library is set to archive menus back to 1840.  Com'on.  This is just a bunch of librarians cleaning out the drawer in the office with the take-out menus.

Some awards were put out there.  You know'em.

Library of Congress has power over cell phones.  Taking time archiving twitter, but can lock down your cell phone.

Sunday News is Nearly No News

The Greenburgh Public Library closed this week after its heating unit broke and templates became unbearable.  Global warming is just getting sneaky and it knows basic A/C repair!

Miami Public Library statue is stolen in what can only be described as "a theft."  via LISNews

The Waterville Branch Library unveiled a glass mosaic this week.  The mosiac sizes in at thirteen feet by six feet, probably weighs more than a hundred points, and both floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee.

Heidi Hyre, 52, a school library assistant, was sentenced to two years for misconduct and boinking male students among other stuff.  This is a most disgusting violation of an adult on formative minds, and this librarian hopes they throw her in jail until she forgets what her lady bits feel like.

The New York Post is putting out its first ebook full of sex tips from a former prostitute.  Hooray?  

News for a Saturday. You could read it Monday, But Nobody'll Care.

Scientific and Technological Research Council of Turkey have seemingly removed all books on evolution and other subjects from their for sale list.  The group denies censorship claims, instead claiming copyright and the fact that the books all needed to be translated to "Gobblese," the official language of Turkey. *

A bunch of kids at the Charlotte Central School made some really poor sculptures of book related shit.  I am no art critic, but these kids better not throw away those Burger King applications just yet. **

Penguin books is producing an app of Anne Frank's diary.  I wonder if the digital book will have any hidden Easter eggs? ***

Michael Panzer has been selected to be the 10th Editor-In-Chief of the DDCS!  Panzer's first notion will be to bring back section 104, formally Philosophical Essays, as a new section: "104 - Bullshit Said In Barbershops."****

A new exhibit by the National Archives of Australia shows all the books Australia has banned over the years.  It also starts out with a comparison to the Nazis.  I am not joking. *****

*This sentence is to apologize for that "Turkey" joke.  I do not know what the hell I was thinking.

**Wow, I just read over this and that thing about the kids and the sculpture was pretty harsh.  Sorry about that, too.  Man, this no smoking thing has made me pretty mean.  

***I don't know what the hell that Anne Frank thing was about.  I admit I might be going to hell for that one.

****I'm standing by the Panzer joke.

***** Feeling better after that article compared Australia to Nazi Germany.

Lance Armstrong Gettin Sued and News!

Genesee Valley Center Library water main bursts after eating pop rocks and drinking soda. Kidding, it was just cold.

Brook Park Library has announced that sometime in the next year they will just start renovating the hell out of stuff, but they are not telling when.

Readers are suing the crap outta Lance Armstrong for defrauding them with his books.  No offense, I know the guy cheated with stuff, but he was still one of the best racing bike guys in the world.  He might know something about what he was writing about even if he was lying about his personal life.

Columbia University got some stuff having to do with superheroes in its rare books collection.  Yay. (via LibraryStuff)

Salt Lake City library security guard accidentally discharged his weapon in the library.  Cause we all need a reason to listen to "Safety Dance" today.

Macmillan will be lending its ebooks, starting with its Minotaur imprint, for two years or for 52 checkouts whatever comes first.  Welcome, this is the bandwagon, feel free to have a soda.

Aurora library received $10.8 million grant to build a library.  Cause they needed a new one.  Or they just decided to say "eh, let's see" and then were like "what the fudge?" and now they have to build a library.

Ferndale Library has decided to start using a collection agency to get overdue items back.  The collection agency, "Three Knee Breakin Fools and a Pizza Place," is excited to be apart of library stuff.

News! We're Gonna Live Forever! We're Gonna Learn How to Fly!

San Francisco Library might extend their hours.  When asked, library directors said "To hell with 60 minutes, we can do the same level of service with 75 minute hours."  The board of directors dodged questions pertaining to salary increases to hourly workers.

UW libraries say the bedbugs have flea-ed.  Get it?  Fleas?  It's a Chili Peppers reference!  Whatever, you people aren't cool.  Goddamn bedbugs.

In a staggering feat of reporting, the Chicago Tribune says the Niles Public Library is getting a $5.5 million dollar renovation for "study and meeting space, use technology to check in and keep track of books and improve energy efficiency."  Fucking technology.  What will they think of next?

Arlington librarian will dress as dog if people do not sign up for library cards.  City residents said, "we can make that happen."

Guys, the Emmet O'Neal Library book sale dates have been released!  Wine and cheese will be served and the shit is gonna be tight.  Pack a bag, motherfuckers!

Controversial drawing in Newark Library uncovered from the zebra print cloth that had been draping it.  The drawing, depicting controversial racial and sexual tones was found to be better than a giant zebra print cloth.

COLUMBUS LIBRARY TO PURCHASE DEAF SCHOOL.

Huntington Beach homeless organization has 60 days to leave library.  The organization thinks it has a brother with a couch he can sleep on.

Two books banned from Denver middle school after student gets hold of them.  Cause, yeah, shit, we can not have the kids reading books that would challenge and broaden their minds.  Let's just pretend bad things do not happen and everything is supposed to be okay and nobody will freak out when they realize the world is a scary and frighting place rather than the candy coated dreamland you want them to think it is.

Buy some Kellog's and Scholastic will give you cheap ass books. Here's how you do it:

1. Go to the grocery store
2. Get any two Kellog's products
3. Tear off the proof of purchase right there in the aisle.
4. Put them in your pocket and attempt to hide the items on the shelf.  Make sure Dave does not see you.
5. Buy some grapes and a hot pocket, the food of the innocent.
6. On your way out, wave the proofs of purchase in the air and yell, "I'm gonna be rich"
7. Run from security.
8. Go to the library to throw off the cops trail.
9. Access the public access computers.
10. Yell at the librarian when he/she can not remember your password.
11. Show the librarian your proof of purchases and your grapes.
12. Eat grapes in computer lab.  Spit seeds behind computer for the computers nutrition.
13. Tape the proofs of purchase to the computer screen.
14. Eat the hot pocket cold.  Leave wrapper and heat sleeve under computer table as compost.
15. Take the "spacebar" key off the keyboard and tape it to the monitor.
16. Proclaim "fuck this," make a lewd comment to the librarian (male or female) and go home.
17. Watch something about housewives and sleep fat dumb sleep.

(The Banned Library does not recommend you do any of the above.)

News, It's What's For Brunch.

Can we stop using the "last chapter" statement when something in a library closes? Bookstore in Las Cruces library closes.

The Brooklyn Public Library is threatening to close Carnegie Buildings, reopening buildings after Sandy repairs, and gonna modernize.  I'm down, I'm up, I'm whatever... Congradusorry?

Ann Arundel library system being sued for racial discrimination.  No joke here because I watched The Wire and Baltimore scares the shit out of me.

The George W. Bush Library and Museum is receiving materials for its collection.  Insert recycled Crayola collection and vacation pamphlet joke here.

The Iowa City Public Library has banned sleeping.  Along with eating and defecating, the library plans on being devoid of life by 2014.

The Huntington Library is receiving 1.6 million in stocks from a man named Munger who is obviously hiding the fact that he is a super villain. Think about it. His name is Munger.

GOP Congressman Walter Jones warns that Muslim culture library books threaten both him and his bright and sunny Jesus.  Jesus was unavailable for comment but his assistant said he would be back in three days.

The Friends of Forks Library, the library not seen in the famous Twilight books, has received a $100 donation to fix the Forks Library roof.  The money will be used to buy a cartoonishly large umbrella.

The Chicago Public Library has unveiled a portrait by artist Steve Musgrave of The Audacity of Hope author Barack Obama.  Good luck getting people to come see that when those book sales go down.

Old Ass Sex Manuals! Bells! Swing Classes! More News!

200 hundred and thirty year old sex manual goes on sale in the UK. It comes with a free pack of 200 year old condoms and a copy of Debbie Does Stratford upon Avon.

Israel's National Library has released Afghan manuscripts found in a cave in Afghanistan that reveal the presence of a Jewish community in that area around the 11th century.  The Afghan documents will be on display later this year on the back of a couch.

The Library of Congress has a lot of tweets.  170 Billion, to be inexact.  They don't know what to do with them.  They will not let researchers see them.  End of story.

The Madison Public Library has announced they are taking over the Wisconsin Book Festival.  Boom.  Deal with it.

A man donated a bell to the Rostraver Public Library.  It has historical significance to a cannon factory in the area and is in honor of his mother.  The library had asked for the video game Assassin's Creed 3 but pretended to like the bell bunches after being prodded by its mother.  The library's mother said later that it will appreciate the gift when it was older.

Swing classes are now available at the Clinton-Macomb Library for ages 18 to 29.  Sorry, 30 year olds, you don't get to look like jackasses.

The Eugene Public Library is recording patrons to use as the voice of its automatic check-in service.  Except for that one kid who kept saying, "Welcome to the Eugene Public Fart. Place farts here one at a time. Fart you."  Little jerk.

The North Carolina State University's James B. Hunt Library has a robot that retrieves books for you.  The robot declined to comment on the amount of stress in its job.