Library Vending Machine

Ah, man.  I wanted a Snickers but got a Grisham...

In Polk County, Flordia, patrons are using an old piece of tech in a new and boring way: library vending machines.  The vending machines despense books and DVDs to patrons who want the satisfaction of self-checkout and the promise of never interacting with humans.  I find this an encouraging endevour, sefishly because I too do not wish to enteract with other humans.  Also, I hear books read better when they have been dropped often. 

There is a downside to this, however.  As one more step to the global robotic apolcalypse, these machines represent an awarness that literature and film is disposable as a candy bar.  Soon, carnivals nation wide will be littered with the tattered remains of Steinbeck and Twain as we quickly comsume fattening fiction to otherwise sate our non-existant lives.  I do not wish to rant, but I feel these machines will trivialize the most important calamity in our great nation:  fast fiction addiction.  Quickly pumping fiction from a machine instead of walking into the stacks and searching is the first step in allowing libraries to be nothing more than a wasteland, a laundrymat of convience where knowledge is not earned, it is purchased.  Nature will reclaim the stacks, wild animals running free in the reference section until one lone hunter stands tall in the computer lab, searching over the hunched backs of his bretherin to find himself wanting.  Where will it end?

This gibberish has been brought to you by the Society for Homogeneous Instant Teaching.  If you would like to know more about S.H.I.T., contact us, if you can find us.

Photo and original article here via CNN

The Prepared Speech

In every librarian's life, one must create The Prepared Speech. Despite the name, there are multiple prepared speeches, from the "I am sorry that book is not in" to the "Yes, you must leave the building during the fire alarm." I hope to show you a quick and easy method of creating a prepared speech in just, eh, a few steps? How many is a few anyway? It could be several, I dunno. ON TO THE STEPS!!!

1. Determine the Meaning of the Speech. Just what are you trying to tell the listener? The message of your speech must be succinct and to the point. Cut any confusing terms or jargon from your speech. If possible, make the speech one long sentence that wraps around itself to verbally beat the message into the patron's head. Ex. You bring book back late make computer mad it give you wallet-pain cause you bring book back late.

2. Think about the Target Audience. Who is it you are trying to reach? The Meaning can greatly determine the audience, and vice versa. Is it a snotty boy testing boundaries? Is it a feeble old man with no boundaries left? Is it the crazy cat lady whose boundaries are marked by the scent of her feline companions over every item she returns? As you approach the person, tailor the speech to them and their sensibilities. And always remember to call big tattoo covered biker dude a he and not a she.

3. Fight the Urge to be Right. We have all been there. You are in a position where the patron argues up and down that they have returned all their materials and that page stuck to their shoe was torn out when they got there. You have paperwork, print-outs, surveillance footage, signatures, and Melvil Dewey as an eye witness. They are dead to rights wrong, and yet, so are you. Respectfully, acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and the library is happy to eat the fines and wasted effort and property loss. All because you realize that the place you work, your livelihood, is the biggest pile of matches in the whole city and this may be the person to finally light the fuse.

4. When in Doubt, Bring Up Authority Figures. At some point, even after giving in to all the demands you can, some arguments have to be held onto. A danger is present that is more important than one single patron's personal vendetta: several other patron's personal vendettas. This patron has been talking on a cell phone while ignoring a screaming baby and eating something smelling akin to old socks in a dryer. Now it is time to go legal, bring in the director, lawyer, cops, fire department, National Guard, the FBI and possibly zombie Abe Lincoln himself to deliver a Four Score and Seven Brains Ago bureaucratic ass-whoopin.

5. Have Several Stopping Points In Case of Emergency. Finally, last but not least, plan stopping points in your Prepared Speech. You never know how long it may take to convince the other person to leave the library, and many things can happen in the meantime. Heart attacks, blind fits, hurricanes, fires, and infestation of locust may break up what would otherwise be a five minute "this is how it is" treatment. Plan accordingly.

We hope that you have enjoyed this small yet helpful look at planning Prepared Speeches. For more on this topic, see someone who gives more of a damn. I just work here.