7 Jackasses That Lead To the Demise of Modern Libraries

A recent article pointed out that the academic library is no more.  It has passed on.  Ceased to be.  Libraries have expired.  Bereft of life, they rest in peace. Their metabolic processes are now history, kicked the bucket, shuffled off their mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible. THIS IS AN EX-CAREER!

So sad.  But we as librarians should have seen this coming.  History tried to tell us this was the way, but somewhat ironically for those that chronicle history, we did not not listen.  Hell, history even tried to halt these psychos all together by stopping their immortality, but librarians did not see until it was too late.

Hit the jump to see the one's who doomed us all.

1.  Ptolemy (I, 323–283 BC; II, 283–246 BC)
With the creation of the Library of Alexandria, this guy (or his son) stole knowledge from the scholars and merchants of the time and decided all on his own to place it in one of the greatest depositories of knowledge of all time.  The notion of collecting information has never really been a new concept, but this grand, government-sponsored project spelled the beginning of the end for the modern library.

2.  Johannes Gutenberg (1398-1468)
With the creation of his "moveable type," Gutenberg (no relation) took the power of the written word away from the rich and the clergy and put it in dirty, lower-class hands of the poor.  This mass production of books created cheaper and more quickly-made reading materials, spreading information faster than ever before.  Somebody should have kindled a fire underneath him.

3.  Charles Cutter (1837-1903)
Oh, here's a rich one.  Charlie Cut here decided that the library was too haphazard a place and started just lumping things together into a formula that would be used to form the Library of Congress cataloging system.  Then, he took over a little public library and, like the Zach Morris of his day, he started in on silly schemes such as creating early bookmobiles, theorizing inter-library loan systems, and letting the public roam free in the stacks.  He even wrote a little article where he predicted the OPAC. If he had had his way, he would have a "Max" in every lobby, too.

4.  Melvil Dewey (1851-1931)
From the ashes of a goofy name comes Melvil Dewey, or "The Dew" as the girls called him.  This micromanaging ball of fun formed not only a more simple way to subjugate knowledge to human control but the idea of an association of information professionals that could standardize information management procedures.  Oh, he didn't do all that on his own, Charlie Cut up there helped, but he's the one with his name on the system.

5.  S. R. Ranganathan (1892-1972)
This high-horse mounted dude formed the Five Laws of librarianship and proposed collecting library materials into environments designed to make information more accessible.  This brainwashing of his colleagues spawned the "user friendly" era of thought throughout librarian brain-sponges everywhere.  "Every book, its reader" indeed.

6.  Alan Turning (1912-1954)
Are there more well known names in computer science? Maybe.  But this is the guy that theorized that machines could organize and collect information on massive levels, even do so by themselves, allowing for more complex information management through complex machines.  This is the architect of computer science, the Duke of Databases, the King of Kilobytes.  Turning is the reason our overlords might like us one day, then kill us because they cannot find their Father.

7.  Steve Jobs (1955-2011)
Are there more well known names in computer science?  No.  Just N-O.  Co-founder of Apple computers and the guy that opened up the world to the idea that not only could machines be used in the patron's homes to access and create information, but that it could be done in a simple and user friendly environment on cheap machines.  Jobs is what would happen if Cutter took Ranganathan and Turning and played "Will it Blend?" with their mind sponges.

There they are, seven jackasses that taught humanity that they could store all their knowledge in an automated environment that was well organized and accessible to all.  Oh, there are more jackasses of information out there being celebrated and stuff, but these bastards of bookishness should have been stopped before they got going.  Then I would not have to think about getting an IT degree along with this MLIS.

Chronicle.com via LISNews

The Prepared Speech

In every librarian's life, one must create The Prepared Speech. Despite the name, there are multiple prepared speeches, from the "I am sorry that book is not in" to the "Yes, you must leave the building during the fire alarm." I hope to show you a quick and easy method of creating a prepared speech in just, eh, a few steps? How many is a few anyway? It could be several, I dunno. ON TO THE STEPS!!!

1. Determine the Meaning of the Speech. Just what are you trying to tell the listener? The message of your speech must be succinct and to the point. Cut any confusing terms or jargon from your speech. If possible, make the speech one long sentence that wraps around itself to verbally beat the message into the patron's head. Ex. You bring book back late make computer mad it give you wallet-pain cause you bring book back late.

2. Think about the Target Audience. Who is it you are trying to reach? The Meaning can greatly determine the audience, and vice versa. Is it a snotty boy testing boundaries? Is it a feeble old man with no boundaries left? Is it the crazy cat lady whose boundaries are marked by the scent of her feline companions over every item she returns? As you approach the person, tailor the speech to them and their sensibilities. And always remember to call big tattoo covered biker dude a he and not a she.

3. Fight the Urge to be Right. We have all been there. You are in a position where the patron argues up and down that they have returned all their materials and that page stuck to their shoe was torn out when they got there. You have paperwork, print-outs, surveillance footage, signatures, and Melvil Dewey as an eye witness. They are dead to rights wrong, and yet, so are you. Respectfully, acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and the library is happy to eat the fines and wasted effort and property loss. All because you realize that the place you work, your livelihood, is the biggest pile of matches in the whole city and this may be the person to finally light the fuse.

4. When in Doubt, Bring Up Authority Figures. At some point, even after giving in to all the demands you can, some arguments have to be held onto. A danger is present that is more important than one single patron's personal vendetta: several other patron's personal vendettas. This patron has been talking on a cell phone while ignoring a screaming baby and eating something smelling akin to old socks in a dryer. Now it is time to go legal, bring in the director, lawyer, cops, fire department, National Guard, the FBI and possibly zombie Abe Lincoln himself to deliver a Four Score and Seven Brains Ago bureaucratic ass-whoopin.

5. Have Several Stopping Points In Case of Emergency. Finally, last but not least, plan stopping points in your Prepared Speech. You never know how long it may take to convince the other person to leave the library, and many things can happen in the meantime. Heart attacks, blind fits, hurricanes, fires, and infestation of locust may break up what would otherwise be a five minute "this is how it is" treatment. Plan accordingly.

We hope that you have enjoyed this small yet helpful look at planning Prepared Speeches. For more on this topic, see someone who gives more of a damn. I just work here.