Quick, Steal the Free Stuff!

A woman in Anniston, Alabama has been charged with a felony after allegedly stealing 222 books totaling over $5,000 from the public library.  What the hell?  Apparently, she got around the quick-witted staff by wearing wigs and thwarting every security precaution available.  I imagine she hummed the Mission Impossible theme as she ducked and dived around the shelving units, using only her wits to survive the twists and turns to safely leave with the Twilight series stashed under the false bottom of her travel bag.

I always wondered why folks stole from a library.  This stuff is free people!  In a world of digital piracy, identity theft, and plain old credit card fraud, simple shoplifting is kinda boring.  Does the thrill that comes with taking from the library equal that of taking from the dollar store?  Because that is the next step, first the free stuff, then the one dollar stuff, and next the world!  I have no hope for this planet.

And this one, and this one, and that one over there!

Here's the original story.

Is It Okay to Kill Your Friend In the Library?

Recently, the Sacramento Public Library has become the center of protests over their video game tournament "Nerd Fest" which features "Call of Duty: Black Ops."  The game has some rather violent images and scenarios in the single player campaign and the multiplayer (the version I assume will be featured in the tournament) is not too different in that you are maiming, shooting, and blowing up both your friends and online strangers.

Pictured:  An online stranger getting pawned!!!  Lolz gramps!  Take that to the Vietnam flashback and smoke it!

Here's the fun thing, though:  The multiplayer element is often if not always left unrated by video game watchdogs because people do and say the darnedest things.  I know what you are saying, put a gun in a child's virtual hand and he/she will start blowing away anything that moves.  Kids are silly like that.  But they could also just run and jump and play in their virtual worlds, as long as all parties agree not to fire.  So the question is not "Is it okay to have violent gaming in the library?" but "Is it possible that little Jimmy and Johnny can be taught not to shoot me after I am dead and teabag my corpse while screaming about what they would do to my mom in the library?"  And is that not the better question?

Link to the original article.

How to Manage a Power Outage

From time to time, disasters are going to strike a library. I do not mean to say that tornadoes and volcanoes will rage through the stacks, no I am talking about power outages. Here are a few helpful hints at what to do when your library goes dark.

Example: Dark

1. Comfort the computer users. When the power goes out, the first people to notice are the computer labs, mostly because shit just got real for them. Thy will not be able to comprehend that facebook is not run by magical fairies, but instead by papa power and papa got drunk and passed out. These patrons will panic, blindly accusing you of causing their virtual crops to wither and their friends and families to think them dead because they could not post "powers out at the library lol @ashtonkutner" to their twitter feeds. Hold them and tell them to be patient, cry with them and let them know that everything is going to be all right. Keep them from attempting to attatch their car to the library in the hopes that they can give the library a jump.

Remember, it's black to ground and red to library.

2. Call the power company. This seems like a no brainer, but often the company that supplies that high voltage life blood will not know they have screwed up. Let them know, with a kind and forceful tone of "we are about to be murdered. Send help."  That will get them running.  This is especially important because the patrons will get restless and rioting/looting will ensue.

Holy Crap?! The power was only out for five minutes!

3.  Bust out the flashlights.  Use the flashlights to scour the library for all those teenagers who find their lust sparked by darkness or their appetite for stealing amped up (see what I did there, with the electrical talk?  amped...).  If you do not have a flashlight handy, grab a blind person.  They already know how to get around in the dark.  Then, guide any well meaning crotchety old person away from squinting at the large print.  Gather everyone into the biggest open space you can and begin dividing up into teams of "kill" or "be killed."

Example:  Kill

4.  Kick everyone out.  Move those flashlights toward the entrances and those patrons will flock to them like ferrets (true story).  Any who resist the first push will be trampled or given a stern talking to.  After the majority of the people have fled into the bright, shiny world, the librarian must go back in to get the rest.  Who would stay in a creepy, dark building filled with frightening angles?  Weirdos and freaks, that is who.  Be prepared for anything, and I mean anything.

Like Johnny Applescreamer

5.  Prepare to reopen.  Many of you know, reopening is nothing like opening.  An unscheduled closing and reopening during the middle of the day causes imbalances in people with already little in the way of "balance," much like introducing a shark "imbalances" a beach.  Apologies will not cut it this time, buster.  You will have to reign in the crazy that is "patron."  Preparation to reopen rests on two principles:  turn everything on first and prepare for stupid.  

What do you mean it didn't save when everything cut off?!

Best Nation in the World? Donation

Alec Robinovitz started a small effort to donate books to his local children's hospital a few years back.  As he waited to find out about his sick sister, he found he had nothing to do in the waiting room.  So he got some books and gave him to the hospital.  This effort has grown into nearly 10,000 books being donated to the cause, from friends, family, strangers and authors.  

I have endorsed my charity of choice and before this holiday season is out, I will do so again.  And again.  Why?  Because.  That's why.  There need be no reason.  As we move into the holidays, the best of us can lose that "holiday spirit" crap that Hollywood and special episodes lead us to believe is out there.  So do not think about that.  Donate something to a cause that makes this crapshack world a little better, even if it is a little time for your fellow man.  Hell, just put on a smile and hold the door open for someone.  Don't cost nothing.

Click here to learn how little Alec is making little kids smile.

Smells Like Teen Fiction!

Ever gotten off of work at the library and had to go to the grocery store?  I have.  I have to do it all the time.  And while you are there, trying to decided between a great bottle of cooking sherry, a six pack of rot gut, or a screw top bottle of wine made from kiwi, have you noticed people staring at you?  Did they follow you to the frozen foods isle and watched as you picked through the $1 pizzas or the hot pockets?  Ever wonder why?  Well, librarian, just like a chef or garbage man, you carried that bit of work with you: the smell.

Smell the awesome, like burnt popcorn and flop sweat.

Have you ever wanted to feel that special on your days off without rubbing yourself down with a used copy of the Da Vinci Code?  Now you can!  The website CB I Hate Perfume offers a library aroma called "In the Library."  Promising the rich scent of bound books, the perfume guarantees that you will never be able to leave the library.  So go out and get your bottle today, cause god only knows what they will come up with next.

"In the Library" by CBihateperfume

All kidding aside, I like the idea of this product.  The sense of smell is one of the best triggers for memory.  Add the smell of a book to a great piece of knowledge and you retain a tactile bit of that knowledge.  Also, I love the smell of new books and old books, the glue, binding and paper all just seem more there to me, filling me with the hours of joy that I have had in the company of books.  I do not think I would like to desensitize myself to that odor by splashing it on me, though.  Anyway, fun idea for a product.

All Aboard! The Desert Bus is Rolling Out!

Well, tis the season for charity, so everyone hop aboard the Desert Bus For Hope and raise some money for children's hospitals.

This is gonna be a loooonnnggg drive.

For those of you not in the know, Desert Bus is one of the worst video games of all time.  Created by the magic/comedy duo Penn & Teller for their SNES video game, you get to drive a bus from Las Vegas to Tuscon.  In real time.  At a top speed of 45 mph.  With nothing exciting at all going on what-so-ever.  See that screen shot up there?  The bug happens about 4 hrs in.  Well, 8 hrs of staring at that later and you get exactly 1 point, then the bus turns around and you get to do it all over again.  So what?, you say, just tie down the controller and walk away.  Nope, the bus always moves slightly to the right, making you pay attention.

Well, here comes the charity part.  For the last several years, the comedy troupe LoadingReadyRun has put on marathon sessions of Desert Bus, collecting donations for Child's Play Charity.  They drive in shifts and only call it quits when no more donations have come in.  

I say, let us kill these fools this year!  Donate all you can and help some sick kids.  Go on.  Do it.

Desert Bus For Hope

Child's Play Charity

The Library of Rock!

In a move to have the loudest library ever, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland finished construction on their new Library & Archives building.  Set to open January 2012, the building will house thousands of documents and research materials for use by scholars and folks that dig just smokin a bowl and reading about Zepplin, man.  Cue the inspiration music followed by a shusshing sound here.

Check out the Library & Archives website.  

Why am I always compelled to use the ampersand in rock & roll and library & archives?  Woah, that just blew my mind.  Turn up the Zepplin, bra.