Learn To Be a Zombie at the Cumberland County Library

"Melissa Lang, as the assistant youth services coordinator for the Cumberland County Library system, developed a program last year to teach teens how to apply their own zombie makeup in time for Halloween and the annual downtown Zombie Walk."

Well, well.  Two stories in one day featuring librarians exhibiting talents and bringing them into the library.  The first guy just sang, this lady creates frickin' zombies.  What's next?  Librarian Frankenstein, that's what.  Some book pusher out there dabbles in anatomy/physiology and is dreaming up a way to reanimate the dead so he can recreate that scene from Young Frankenstein where he and his abomination put on the Ritz.  Well, I got news for you, you depraved seeker of the secrets beyond life:  The community ain't gonna put up with that shit.  No, sir.  They are gonna show up at your library's front door with pitchforks and torches and they will not be there to burn books.  They gonna burn you and your hell spawn.  Think about that before you act.

I like how in my delusion Librarian Frankenstein reads this blog.

Cumberland County Library system offering zombie makeup workshop - Fayetteville Observer

Porno Set In the Cornell Library

When Cornell students this weekend were doing some self-surfing, they noticed a particular video had a setting that seemed fairly familiar.  It seems over the summer break, a lovely blond young lady used the library to... um... have a little fun.  Know what I'm saying, wink, wink, nudge, nudge and all that. Or she was paid for the act, as several Internet dwellers feel they have located the woman in video as a model from a local town.  Anyway, the video was recently posted on the Cornell message board EzraHub and still appears to be working.  So I have heard.

On the subject of sex in public in general... Well, you are only young once, am I right?  Do stupid shit and learn.  And, apparently in this lady's case, get paid.  Just be careful and do not do anything in a way that will harm or hurt yourself or others.  That being said, I cannot condone this.  Academic library or not, this is a public space and if I were running the library, I would have to turn you in for indecent exposure.  So keep that in mind, the librarian is not on your side when it comes to hanky panky in the stacks, but we were all young once and did dumb shit.  The library forgives but the library does not forget.  And clean that shit up.

Colleges Still Good For Something: Cornell Library Serves as Setting for Porn ... - Gawker

Swedish Library Bans Tintin, Then Does Not

The Swedish library of SomethingIcantpronounce banned the books of Tintin for issues of "Afro-phobic" and other race issues.  During Banned Books Week.  Needless to say, a media poopstorm from around the world zoomed in and they redacted the decision.  Librarian Steve Clickthelinkforhisrealname said that while the issues were relevant, banning the book was a bad decision.

Sooooo.... Yeah.  You really can not do that anymore.  Banning books, I mean.  You can disagree with them, you can not read them, you can even put them so far back in the library that it takes a road map, GPS and a Sherpa to find them, but you cannot ban books.  As much as I dislike the Twilight and 50 Shade books, I still check them out to any and everyone that asks for them because that is what a library is for.  Intellectual freedom, even if it is stupid, should be a library's goal.  Taking materials away from your patrons, researchers, students, and crazy teenage girls is wrong.  I hope that's the last time I have to say that, but probably not.

Tintin OUT, then IN at Swedish Library

Library's Need a Pirate Mentality

Getting an MLIS would be so much more fun if it were more like how you Joined the navy back in the day:

"I went out drinking with these librarians... Next thing I knew I woke up in the stacks with nothing but a cataloging manual and a cart of books.  A disembodied voice yelled out 'Shelve or die, page!' 

Over the next couple of months I would run across a new cart with more books and I would shelve those, too.  All I had to eat was stale popcorn and juice boxes. 

Then, slowly, I learned the way of the Dewey and found my way out of the stacks.  I learned I was the only one of my group to do so, making me worthy of the title 'library assistant.'  After a few more years, battling incoming patrons and manning the computer lab, I made friends with The Director.  Less and less was I told to go out to the desk.  I was made a part of the institution.

One day she bid me into her office.  'I am not the true Director' she said, 'The real Director has been retired for years and living quite comfortably in Florida.  The next shift change, I too shall retire and leave you the library.'

Good to her word, she retired and I took her position after we found a new crew.  Every once in a while she would pop back in, all the while calling me Director.  And that's how I became The Director of the library."

Yeah, I wish it was that way.  I wish it was so that when the Director retired, they moved a worthy soul up and hired from the bottom.  But looking at library job postings can tell you this is not the common practice.  Why would you want to get new blood in the profession, anyway?  Might as well only advertise for director positions, it is not like those new graduates know anything useful. 

And going out drinking after work would be so much more fun if we could kidnap people.  Just saying.

Library President Quits After Selling His Own Books to Library

The president of the Middletown library has resigned after signing invoices to sell his own books to the library.  After a career total of about $750, the president feels he can do no better and retire before he hits a slump.

We imagine his last statement to be something like, "In the book market, it's all about who you know.  With the landscape changing to ebooks, I don't think i could keep up my conflict of interest much longer.  I want to thank all the fans and Friends that supported me along the way.  It's better to burn out than to fade away."

Well, I guess he is correct and we wish him a long and storied future as we have not heard from a named source that he plans to sell needles to nonprofit drug counciling centers.

Middletown library chief resigns over selling his own books to library - Asbury Park Press

New Library Announces The First People to Go Inside

The Los Gatos Library announced the first five ticket winning children to enter their newly opened library. 

I will not make any "golden ticket" or "The Cats Library" jokes here.  This actually brought a genuine smile to my face and happiness to my heart:  People vied for the opportunity to be the first to enter a library.  Not a club, not a Wal-Mart, a library.  Five children get to be in the history books as library supporters.  This is important and interesting as proof that our culture is not completely devoid of genuine excitement over knowledge.  This is a contest I can get behind in an era where the majority of stories I read are about library closures.

Los Gatos Library Grand Opening 'First to Enter' Ticket Winners Announced - Patch.com

Seattle Library Allows Man to Be Glowered to Death

So the debate continues as another library allows a man to watch porn while others look on and glower.  Despite complaints, the library upheld the man's constitutional right to information and be creepy, even though other people did not want the man to be creepy.  When asked, the man said, "Hey, if porn were bad they wouldn't put it on the Internet, right?"  The library denied to comment through psychic connection.

Seattle library lets man watch porn, despite complaint - Seattle Post Intelligencer

Hipster Was Into Print Books, Libraries Before They Were Retro Cool

Bay area hipster Jeremy Potter, 23, claims he has been going to the library for years and reading print materials way before anyone else.

"Man, I was all about going to the Hot Topic, then rolling to the 'brary for some Encyclopedia Brown when I was a kid," Potter said, "When I grew up I did all the Dickens, Shakespeare and Kaufka then everyone was reading them.  I went back to my roots, a little underground industry called graphic novels.  Then it was like everyone was getting them.  So now I've gone really underground, back to the roots, a little guy named Gutenberg, maybe you heard of him.  He made his own Bible."

"Yeah, everybody reads them, but I think they're cool.  I guess," said Potter.

Potter showed off his vintage collection of books he's been collecting for the last 10 years:

The shelf is of a bygone era.

"Yeah, the top shelf is all about the old school comics.  There's some Ultimate Spider-Man, Batman, Powers, Scott Pilgrim.  Yeah, I got the rabbit guarding those. (laughs)
Then the next shelf is all Dresden Files and Christopher Moore.  I don't really read them now that there are so many of them, but they look good with the decor.
Finally, there's just a hodge podge of stuff at the bottom.  Some Stephen King next to Dave Barry next to Wicked.  That's before they made that musical on Broadway, bee tee dub.  It was a book, man."

Potter claims he got a lot of the items from the used book sale at the public library.  The public library, a place many use to download ebooks, access wifi, and use public access computers, also collects print materials.  The print materials, once a popular medium, are being sold off wholesale as they become redundant to the digital formats now owned by the library.

"You can get some good sh** there," Potter says, "Sometimes I take some books back and trade them for older ones.  It was a groovy place till all the norms found out about it."

Crying Baby's Mama Goes to Court

An Atlanta mother who was asked to leave a library because of a crying baby is facing trial on obstruction of a police officer.  The incident happened when the mother was asked to leave a Dekalb County library because her child was being too loud.  As she left, she allegedly became irate and began cursing in front of children which lead to her being arrested.  If convicted, she faces a 12 month jail sentence. Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Do I believe a mother was asked to leave a library because of a crying baby?  Yeah, I have done it myself.  Do I believe the mother would become upset?  Yeah, I have faced that dragon before.  What I cannot believe is that the police would become involved if this was a simple screaming match.  I can only assume someone went all nuts somewhere in this but I can not speculate how.  I will assume Facebook was somehow involved, however. 

Let me 'splain.  No, too long, let me sum up.  The only parents with unruly or overly loud children I have ever asked to leave the library where the parents that were not watching their children.  I have bent over backwards for a single mom trying to fill out job applications, dads that need to get in and out with a cart of DVDs, and new parents that just do not quite know how grandma gets the rugrat to calm down so quickly.  But the parents that refuse to parent, the ones that sit on Facebook while Junior unplugs equipment like an IT tech and checks every room in the library for an echo factor.... They do not last long.  

I am not saying that this was the case with the DeKalb County lady.  I am just saying I understand.

Update: Mom gives her side which contradicts police report. Also, the title of this story is incorrect, the baby was only laughing, not crying. Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Food in the Library

There is a monster in the library.  The monster can range from two inches to seven feet tall, spreads like mad, and has a curious sound reported to be "munching or paper rustling, I dunno kinda like a garbage truck with a hemorroid."  I am talking about food in the library.

The following are some of my favorite excuses for food being in the library:

"This is my birthday cake" (it was a two foot by three foot strawberry long cake)
"My blood sugar's low" (a bucket of fried chicken)
"If my son doesn't eat, he gets hyper" (bag of potato chips ground into the carpet)
"But it's diet" (can of soda)
"It's okay, they are communion wafers" (they were, whole bag of them)
"I am checking out movies!" (bag of cheddar cheese popcorn)
"They have bunches of vitamins!" (whole raw carrots)
"But they sell it next door" (venti mocha latte with low fat foam and a dash of cinnamon)
"Because it was here and I am a termite" (wood)
"I am a mouse" (random crumbs)
"I am a snake" (mouse)

5 Exercises You Can Do In the Library

Time to Pump. (Clap) You Up!

Getting exercise this time of year is difficult.  The holiday weight is still there, the gym is calling, but the cold says, "Stay at home under this warm quilt and spread disease to your loved ones."  Well, I am here to tell you that you can get in shape just by doing chores around the library.  Here are the five exercises you can do in the library:

Exercise #1: Stretch in the Stacks

As you shelve those books that seem to appear from nowhere at every table, take the time to do some basic stretches.  If the book is low, do not bend your knees but attempt to lean all the way down and feel the burn.  Low books can also give you a reason to squat to stretch out your thighs.  If the book is up high, do not use that stool!  Reach for it!  Make sure to keep your own spine straight as you straighten those book spines!

 (Also remember to keep an eye out for Moe the Hobo.  He may enjoy watching this too much.)

Exercise #2: The Book Cart Push

Here we begin the whole body workout.  Legs, butt, back and arms can all be utilized when pushing and pulling a book cart laden with heavy volumes.  All you have to do is find a cart, a bunch of books that do not have to be shelved right away, and start pushing and pulling it around the library.  Remember when starting to use your legs more to push.  The best part is you can always take off or add books to target the amount that makes you most comfortable but still gives you that burn.  Also, you can always refuse to help another staff member by saying, "Sorry, got this cart." 

Avoid carts with big wheels, they will give you no resistance.

Exercise #3:  Book Pumping

Now let's target those hands and arms.  Again, we will use books to establish those grips and guns that will make the ladies swoon (or make the men feel uncomfortable shaking a woman's hand).  This one is also easy, simply carry a lot of heavy books.  No reason to be stupid about it by hauling a cart's worth of books in your hand, but a stack of ten or twelve volumes should give you a good work out.  As you get more comfortable carrying heavier loads, begin to lift them up and down as you go.  Also, for heavier books attempt to hold them in one hand, downward.  By adding more, heavier books, your grip will grow stronger, allowing you to eat walnuts at the circ desk to warn away potential problems.

This library director could hold five volumes of Britannica in one hand.

Exercise #4:  Child Crying Wind Sprints 

This is the cardio portion of the exercise routine.  Every time a child begins screaming bloody murder, take off in that direction as fast as possible.  Even if you know the child is fine, annoying, but fine, take off.  Not only will this give you a faster reaction time, but you will get that heart pumping and the blood moving.

This big baby will nearly kill you with his drama.

Exercise #5:  Start a Bookcart Drill Team

Not only will working with others be fun and rewarding, but you will have others to push you when you slip.  Remember, health is rewarding, but not as rewarding as this:

Do you have any library exercises?  Let me know on @bannedlibrary for twitter or email at bannedlibrary@gmail.com


Images (all images copyright their respective company and website):
Hanz and Franz
Library Shelver
Book Cart
Godfather
The Dawson

25 Reasons to Close Down Your Library

Action Figure Not Included

Sometimes you just need a day off, yet you feel you need a reason to close down, to justify the tax payers expense verses that one crazy person who might complain.  Here are 25 reasons to close down:

1.  Snow Day - tried and true, in three feet of snow no one can blame you for closing

2.  Power's Out - In the Digital Age, without power to light the monitors you may as well give up.

3.  Not Enough Staff - Even on the prettiest of days everybody else can decide not to show.

4.  Dangerous Animal Loose in Library - Two words: rabid wolverines.

5.  Bookworm Infestation - Also gives you the chance to cloth the library in a circus tent.

6.  All the Books Are Gone - Not as unlikely as you would think.

7.  National Holiday - Nothing like President's Day to sleep in.

8.  Invented National Holiday - Nothing like Day after President's Day Sale Day to sleep in.

9.  Spontaneous Holiday - Nothing like Teenager Checks Out a Classic Without Being Forced To Day

10.  Director Has a Boo Boo - Generally only works if you are the director.

11.  Ghosts - More likely to work if library was built on Indian burial ground.

12.  Simple Illness - Yep, sometimes the whole library can get the flu.

13.  Supernatural Illness - Yep, sometimes the whole town can become zombies.

14.  Apocalyptic Illness - Yep, sometimes the whole world can be decimated by plague.

15.  Stigmata - Really anything to call the church in for, but blood especially.

16.  Global Apocalypse/Rapture/Ragnarok - Think of the rush in the 200s.

17.  Internetz/Facebook/Twitter Is Down - see #16.

18.  Spontaneous Human Combustion - If people are burstin aflame in the library, no one is safe.

19.  You Must Beat the Last Boss on Halo - Gamerz 4 Lif

20.  Building Implodes Due to Indian Burial Ground - Possible consequence of fighting #11

21.  Catalog Becomes Sentient, Attempts to Catalog Staff - You are either "kill" or "be killed"

22.  Exestential Crisis Stemming from a "Print is Dead" Argument - self explanatory.

23.  Crazy Person Attacks Staff - Real tragedy is the ticket home.

24.  Exestential Crisis Stemming from a "Paul is Dead" Argument - self explanatory.
25.  You Just Wanna.

The Library of Rock!

In a move to have the loudest library ever, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland finished construction on their new Library & Archives building.  Set to open January 2012, the building will house thousands of documents and research materials for use by scholars and folks that dig just smokin a bowl and reading about Zepplin, man.  Cue the inspiration music followed by a shusshing sound here.

Check out the Library & Archives website.  

Why am I always compelled to use the ampersand in rock & roll and library & archives?  Woah, that just blew my mind.  Turn up the Zepplin, bra.