The Onion Starts Online Subscription Fee called "Donate or Fuck Off"

Joining the ranks of other online news agencies such as the New York Times and Wall Street Journal, satirical newspaper The Onion today announced they would begin a donation policy called "Donate or Fuck Off" for the use of their website after the reader has read nine and three quarters articles a month.  The media hobbit has tested online subscriptions in other markets and has maintained a print subscription fee, but this is the first time they have attempted this particular method in the U. S. of 'Merica.

Onion, Inc. chief technology officer Michael Greer explains the new plan: 

"We know our readers will read us. It's what they do. Hell, most of them expect to pay something anyway. So in a way, we are giving them what they want. And people keep throwing around buzz words like 'subscription' and 'newspaper.' That's not what we do here. We just offer internet content for free in an Internet fashion, with ads. All we are asking is a little kickback now and then or maybe we stop giving you content. That's all. We even got a nice JPEG that tells you to fuck off. It's not really funny."

Long time reader of The Onion, John 'Whiplash' Williams had this to say: 

"Eh. If they start making me pay, I guess I'll try it out. Maybe I'll get a deal for the print and online. Bird's gotta shit somewhere, right?"

The Onion was not contacted for comment. 

Monsterfest 2011: Visit from a Viking Ghost

I have always told new hires that when shelving, one of the best lessons you can learn is “Let the book take you there.”  Even though you may have shifted and re-shifted the collection yourself for 10 years, the collection can still surprise you about where it wants books to be placed.  Each book has its own place, and you must trust that it will find it.  You are only its vessel home.    

So it surprised the shit out of me when one of the books leaped from my hands and went running down the aisles on its own.  The shelving thing above is only supposed to make the new kids concentrate on accuracy and sound a little new-agey zen, not be true.  But there I was, after years of shelving, watching my first book find its own way home.


The book, a copy of Shirley Jackson’s short stories, walked open, wobbling back and forth and pivoting on the spine.  The tome skittered around the “I-Ka” section and disappeared from sight.  

I looked around.  No one but me was on the second floor.  The reference desk sat empty.  The usual coughs and foot shuffling were absent from the stacks.  

I thought about calling down, hell, going downstairs if only to tell the staff that their director’s mind had finally snapped.  They would buy that, especially after the recent budget cuts.  I could take the day off.

But I had never seen a walking book before now, and who was I to tell the new folks to let the books lead them if I didn’t follow one myself.

When I turned the corner, I gasped.  All the books on the last third of both sides of the stacks were gone.  The shelves were bare, even of the dust that usually outlined the collection when you removed all the books from the shelves.  The Shirley Jackson book sat in the middle of the aisle, closed.

A cold wind came from behind me.  The Jackson book opened and the pages started to flutter, never settling on one page.  The wind grew stronger, chilling me to the bone.  The book’s pages fluttered faster and faster.  The howl and flutter mixed louder and louder until it sounded like a projector feeding film in a gale.  I closed my eyes, put my hands over my ears and bent down to huddle as ice began to form and a small snow flurry whirled around me.

Then everything stopped.

“Mr. Banned?  Get up,” I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, “Evan, it's all right, get up.”

The voice was... impossible.  She was dead.  But when I opened my eyes and looked up, Brenda the Viking Librarian stood before me.

“Brenda?” I asked.

She nodded.  Her face was just as I remembered it, but more.  A homely woman in life, death had granted her color and vigor.  Color radiated on her cheeks and almost lit the mane of blond hair.  A great smile played on her face.  That smile was hearth and home, warmth and mirth, but a little dangerous.

A striking bronze plate covered her broad and expansive chest.  A wolf fir draped over her shoulders like a cardigan sweater.  The leather skirt was pleated, stretching down to the tops of fir-lined, stylish heels.  At her waist was a broad leather belt studded with runes, a small hammer hung.

She knelt down to me, “Mr. Evan Banned, I have been granted leave from The Fields to give you a message and a gift.  Listen now.  A great evil is coming threefold.  One will arrive behind you, one from within, and one will save you.  Take this to help you.”

She took the hammer off her belt and handed it to me.  I looked at it.  It was a stamp.  A small, stone bookstamp with the letters “Banned” carved into it and leather wrapped around the handle.

“This is the Stamp of Mimir, the knowledge guardian,” she said, “It is used to banish forbidden and useless knowledge from this world.  The Stamp must not be used lightly and only by the worthy.  Hear me, Evan Banned, one will be behind, one within, and one will save.  This is all I can tell you.”

Brenda stood.  I stood.

“So, um, what’s it like?” I asked.

“Death?  Cold and warm.  Free,” she laughed, “I remember you on your first day, all gangly, smelling of those cigarettes and with a fresh MLIS.  When your mom asked us to give you a job, I was almost sick... But you did good, boy.  I was lucky, I died doing what I loved, where I was happy.  That counts for something on the other side.  Remember that.”

A sound of clapping came from downstairs, and I turned to face it.  The under-10 storytime had just ended.  The children’s librarians voice rose over the crowd as everyone began shuffling around.  

“That job’s cursed, broken.  She’ll cause trouble, just you see.”

I turned to ask what she meant, but Brenda the Viking Librarian was gone.  Everything was back in its place, books on the shelves with no hint of water from the snow.  The Shirley Jackson book was in my hand.  The small hammer was in the other.

5 Things to Make Sure of When Banning Someone from the Library (Plus a Form Letter)

Getting banned from a library is no easy task, as we have already seen.  Cunning, skill and perseverance reward you with the knowledge that you cannot enter one of the only places in town that accepts everybody.  But what goes on behind the scenes?  What do your faithful librarians do when you have spilled your soda in the fifth computer this week while whacking off to male goat embryos?

Lend an ear, cause I am going to drop some knowledge on your crazy ass:  They make sure they have you dead to rights with proof and then kick your ass to the curb, that's what they do.

Here's some steps for librarians to make sure your dumbass never comes near the hallowed stacks of knowledge ever again (and an example letter)

1  Make sure to get an accurate account of the actions that proceeded the decision to ban.
Librarians, incident reports are your friends.  I know that after a mini-nuclear explosion that can be the problem patron you just want to rest and regroup, but do not.  Fill out a report with the time, date, persons involved and everything that happened.  These reports will keep an accurate record of not only what happened, but when.  If one patron becomes a problem, the reports build up real fast and the decision to save public time and property is so much easier to make.  Also remember to add any police or emergency services reports to yours, as they could become valuable information later.

2  Make sure the professional staff are in agreement with the decision to ban.
The professional staff, and the para-professional for that matter, should always be on the same page when it comes to problem patrons.  Everyone should be able to identify the problem and agree that it is a problem.  Talk over the issue and reason.  People have bad days.  Hell, in this economy people have bad years.  That does not excuse bad behavior, but it does make the difference between an elderly man that has been laid off getting frustrated with online job applications and the weirdo licking the screen because he thinks that is how Scarlett Johansson likes it.

3  Make sure the governing body and legal council of the library knows about the ban
This goes along with the incident report section.  Part CYA and part "what had happened was," including the board of directors (or like assembly) in the loop causes this to be official, a good thing when what you are effectively doing is saying the person is trespassing on public property.  This allows the police to be called and gives legal reasoning for displacing someone from the building the next time his crazy ass shows up.  Also, it allows you to refer the person to a lawyer to do lawyer stuff instead of you the librarian doing police/lawyer stuff.
 
4  Make sure the patron being banned knows why they are banned
This is where it gets dicey.  A patron having a bad day calls the librarian on duty a "lying bitch that knows there are three more fucking copies of Veggie Tales in the back" and gets thrown out on his/her ass.  If he/she comes in the next day and nothing happens, eh, these things happen.  For some societies, getting thrown out of the library for the day is a test of manhood for teenagers.  But when you really need to toss someone out for good, you have to let them know.  The best way to do that is through a letter formally banning them from all library privileges and outlying the local trespassing laws.  Make sure it has pretty letterhead on it and signatures and what not.  If need be, have the letter notarized, delivered by police, and/or stapled to their forehead.  All the easier is if the police were involved, as they have a file all ready for your letter. A note on the letter:  Be short and direct.  Discussing the issue will only invite argument or more problems.  If the letter is being written, the decision has been made and nothing can change that.

5  Make sure to make copies
When you file your reports and letters, make copies of everything and keep them in a separate place, file or folder.  This is especially true for anything official, such as an incident report or a letter of bannedhood.  That way, if someone says, "Hey I didn't know (I, my brother, my child, my brother-child, etc.) was banned" you can show them that, yes, he was banned from the library for X and was told on DATE that we would fire him from a cannon if he ever showed his face again.  If they claim they never got the letter, make them a copy and show them the door.

Example Letter of Bannedhood:

 Dear Abraham Lincoln,

This letter is to inform you that your library privileges have been revoked by decision of library staff and the Board of Directors due to failure to comply with library policy and rules.  These privileges include access to all library materials, buildings and events.

Failure to comply will lead to legal action under the Galactic Trespassing Code of Stardate 65269.9.  For further information, contact our Old Timey Space Lawyer, Seymour Cratersnatch & Spawn. 

Librarian
Library Director
Head of Galactic Library Board
Important Guy #4

thanks to @bitchylibrarian cause she posed a question and gave me the idea

New Book Claims Some Punk Shot Van Gogh

The new book Van Gogh: The Life by Steven Naifeh and Gregory White Smith postulates that instead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the chest, Vinny VG may have been shot by some punk kid.  The authors acknowledge that while Van Gogh may have been institutionalized off and on throughout his life and had a death wish, on the day he died he did not behave as if he was going to kill himself, taking his paints and easel into the field and then staggering over a mile back into town.  He may have lied to protect the juvenile from prosecution.  NBCNewYork

Ooo, ooo, now there's a slasher movie idea that just needs to be made.  Can somebody say I Know What Famous Painter You Killed Last Summer?  How about Ear for an Ear?  This winter, Vin Deisel is Vincent in Fast and Van Goghne.

Dave Barry Stole My "Big Bird" Porn Joke Before I Could Tell Him Who I Was

Somebody hacked the Sesame Street Youtube page and posted porn on it.  And by 'hacked' we probably mean to say the hackers probably guessed the answer to the secret question guarding their password ("How do you get to Sesame Street?") was "your mom."  CNN

Columnist and overall funny dude Dave Barry noted on his blog

NOW WE KNOW WHY THEY CALL HIM 'BIG BIRD'

which is totally what I was gonna say.  You win this one, Barry.  Actually, you probably win most of them.  Seriously, why are you guys reading this when you could be over at his blog?  This is why I drink.

This post was sponsored by the letter "O" and the number "69".

Amazon News: Publishing and British Links

Amazon, Amazon, do you know how not to make waves?  Two stories come to us from that corner of the Internet where items are sold like a really boring wild west market.

122 books will be published this fall by Amazon.com, both in print and electronic format, bypassing the traditional publishing houses that rule the book world like an iron fist rules a dick punching competition.  Will the publishing world strike back like the empire we know they are?  Or will it take a lone orphan living with his aunt and uncle to find the true way of the Force and rescue a hottie that he later finds out is his sister?  We may never know.  NYTimes

The British Library is being criticized for linking to the Amazon market place for book information in its online catalog.  Book sellers and libraries across the land are denouncing the once great king for promoting a giant and forgetting about all the little British ant hills.  May the fires of Arnethor and Bledewindlestick stoke their hearts and not their asses.  Low be unto thee who understands why I started talking like this. Seriously, folks are pissed.  Telegraph

Fancy Pants News: These People Be On the Nets for Books and Libraries

So I been ill for a day or so,
so I'll try to be funny all in one go.
Not trying to rhyme,
not all the time.
This is breaking down.
I feel like a clown.
So here's the news, this time I mean it.
Anybody got a peanut?

Singer lady Taylor Swift donated over 6,000 books to- I'ma let you finish I just need a cheap cameo.  Whine, whine, who's got wine?- the city of Reading, PA. cbsnews

A homeless man in the Evanston Public Library threw a chair through a wall after over a banning dispute for behavior. That'll fix it, hombre. Patch

Librarians turned defacement into an art show when play-write Joe Orton's artistic vandalism of library books was put on display.  Well, way to fix the problem.  Got a crazy notion to write your memoirs in library book bindings?  Hey, we may publish that. Guardian

Pace University has commented on shutting down the Henry Birnbaum Library due to bedbugs, saying, "Yep, we got bedbugs." gothamist

Self-published wunderkind author Amanda Hocking is moving into the world of graphic novels with Dynamite Entertainment.  Write on, ya crazy kid!  PublishersWeekly

Children's book illustrator Sophie Blackall has created a book based on Craigslist's "Missed Connections" section.  "You were in red, I had a gimp mask on.  We were on the subway and you really creeped me out by asking if I wanted to pose nude for the delight of children.  I still do." NYDailyNews

Toronto library staff have proposed to cut staff and hours in an effort to appease Mayor Rob Ford's requests that budgets be trimmed.  Next, Toronto police will buy their own bullets and gas and teachers will... hell, teachers got nothing either.  citytv