Wanna see what's floating around up there?

Check out this video of about 13,000 satellites now rotating around the earth!



Click to see it in real time from the Google Earth Blog

Why Post this? Cause I can

Okay, here's a trailer for the movie Megamind, coming out sometime soon.  I dunno. I am not here to sell the movie, I just wanna see it and this trailer looks funny.  Enjoy!

The Prepared Speech

In every librarian's life, one must create The Prepared Speech. Despite the name, there are multiple prepared speeches, from the "I am sorry that book is not in" to the "Yes, you must leave the building during the fire alarm." I hope to show you a quick and easy method of creating a prepared speech in just, eh, a few steps? How many is a few anyway? It could be several, I dunno. ON TO THE STEPS!!!

1. Determine the Meaning of the Speech. Just what are you trying to tell the listener? The message of your speech must be succinct and to the point. Cut any confusing terms or jargon from your speech. If possible, make the speech one long sentence that wraps around itself to verbally beat the message into the patron's head. Ex. You bring book back late make computer mad it give you wallet-pain cause you bring book back late.

2. Think about the Target Audience. Who is it you are trying to reach? The Meaning can greatly determine the audience, and vice versa. Is it a snotty boy testing boundaries? Is it a feeble old man with no boundaries left? Is it the crazy cat lady whose boundaries are marked by the scent of her feline companions over every item she returns? As you approach the person, tailor the speech to them and their sensibilities. And always remember to call big tattoo covered biker dude a he and not a she.

3. Fight the Urge to be Right. We have all been there. You are in a position where the patron argues up and down that they have returned all their materials and that page stuck to their shoe was torn out when they got there. You have paperwork, print-outs, surveillance footage, signatures, and Melvil Dewey as an eye witness. They are dead to rights wrong, and yet, so are you. Respectfully, acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and the library is happy to eat the fines and wasted effort and property loss. All because you realize that the place you work, your livelihood, is the biggest pile of matches in the whole city and this may be the person to finally light the fuse.

4. When in Doubt, Bring Up Authority Figures. At some point, even after giving in to all the demands you can, some arguments have to be held onto. A danger is present that is more important than one single patron's personal vendetta: several other patron's personal vendettas. This patron has been talking on a cell phone while ignoring a screaming baby and eating something smelling akin to old socks in a dryer. Now it is time to go legal, bring in the director, lawyer, cops, fire department, National Guard, the FBI and possibly zombie Abe Lincoln himself to deliver a Four Score and Seven Brains Ago bureaucratic ass-whoopin.

5. Have Several Stopping Points In Case of Emergency. Finally, last but not least, plan stopping points in your Prepared Speech. You never know how long it may take to convince the other person to leave the library, and many things can happen in the meantime. Heart attacks, blind fits, hurricanes, fires, and infestation of locust may break up what would otherwise be a five minute "this is how it is" treatment. Plan accordingly.

We hope that you have enjoyed this small yet helpful look at planning Prepared Speeches. For more on this topic, see someone who gives more of a damn. I just work here.

How to Deal with an Unruly Patron

Sometimes in the course of a day, a librarian may find him/herself dealing with someone with a problem. Now I know you are saying to yourself, "Self, how can this be real? How can someone have a problem at a place where everything is free?" Well, Self is an idiot. If freedom equals choice, then choice equals entitlement. After all, they pay taxes and you do not. (Unless you do, then they are just crazy.)

Here are a few simple steps to dealing with a patron that, for one reason or another, has gone batshit crazy:

1. Speak Slowly and Confidently. People often underestimate treating adults like children. In fact, the type of people that cannot function in a public setting are often children. If you treat them with respect and calmly explain the situation, often they will not understand you. Talking down to them simply puts them in a better frame of mind to deal with the police later on in the evening.

2. Do Not Move Toward or Away. As in dealing with any animal, body language is key. Stake your ground and hold it at any cost. Moving toward them is an attack, even if you just wish to hug it out. Moving away from them is a retreat, which could trigger an attack from them. By holding your ground, you are saying that this will go no further. Avoid screaming "You shall not pass," though, unless the patron sets him/herself on fire.

3. Feign Eye Contact. Just like body language, eye contact is important in establishing dominance. By staring directly at the patron, you make them feel as if they are being heard before rattling off a preprepared speech. Fake eye contact by staring at some point beyond the person, often letting your vision go blurry as you fade into meditation. Do not focus on a part of the patron's face, as this could lead to finding grody scars and lesions that could distract you for your cue to give the prepared speech.

4. Make Yourself Appear Bigger. Again, dominance is key here. You must establish that you are a bigger threat than the patron. Lift your chin up, stand on your tip toes, or hold your jacket over your head to create a more looming presence. Wave your arms wildly above your head and make a lot of noise. This can scare off even the most determined patron.

5. Keep Something Heavy. When all negotiation has failed, a large heavy object can often be a deciding factor. While some librarians like the heft of the Oxford English Dictionary, I prefer the balance of the Webster's Collegiate. Knowing your strengths and weaknesses in combat can save your life.

6. Run in a Zig-Zag Line. If combat is not your forte or has failed, fleeing is your best option. If a combat hardened patron gives chase, it may have speed as an advantage as well. However, patrons are not good at cornering as the graceful librarian. Running in a wildly erratic pattern instead of a straight line can be the difference between life and death.

7. Cover Yourself in Mud and Go Hand-to-Hand. Negotiations have failed, combat is lost, and fleeing is only a temporary option. Now is the time to get dirty. Because a patron's vision is based on movement and heat, the best option is to cover yourself in mud or any cold substance (hand sanitizer can work in a pinch) and stay perfectly still. As the patron approaches, spring your trap, whatever that might be. I prefer a pit of sharpened golf pencils covered with a fine coating of Twilight novels.

Hopefully, this will never be you. The rigors of public library work can be demanding, and sometimes people just have a bad day. Do not take it personal. Just remember, you are there to help.